Say something or nothing at all

The meaning of this blog to me comes in phases. Sometimes it's my public diary, so I can have the feeling that maybe someone is hearing what I am thinking, sometimes it's a status update. Sometimes I could write page after another on a theme that starts expanding in my head, other times I start with an opinion and after pondering it I come to the opposite conclusion and delete the whole thing, 'cause what was the point of it then?

My inspiration used to come from things I had never said before, but then my life started to fall into patterns, which didn't make meaningful messages anymore. Then the inspiration turned to emotions, which at least the past year or two seem to have derived from either excessive. Sometimes too dark, sometimes too exhilarated. Sometimes just simply too existential to bare to the world.

Now then, what do I write about? I've never minded opening up and pouring my heart out in a written form, granted that it's been in cryptic ways and mysterious tones. But now I feel like I have to hold it back, not let go of it for I might set something free that won't be given back to me repaired. If and when the inspiration emerges in melancholy, I stop and stare at the blank screen; this is not the only side of me, but I cannot create something beautifully meaningful about the regular, the ordinary and the stable. I feel the need to explain myself for the blue thoughts, but I can't and I won't, and I can't write it anymore. What if I did and it didn't solve anything?

Maybe I'm changing. I've relied in people so much that I've been losing the sense of responsibility to myself, and perhaps now I'm taking it back. Maybe a thought is sometimes best valued by hiding it in my own castle.

I admit, even I am guilty of trying to make the change of the year into something special, a magical push of the button rewind or fast forward with no questions asked; I take it back. If we just said what we needed to say, did what we needed to do and felt what we needed to feel at the right time, we wouldn't need the promise of a new beginning or a fresh start. We'd make our own magic by being honest and seeing how the power of it can make the change that we wish over and over again, not really ready to make any changes after all.