Whatwherewhenwhowhyme?

Now I am finally free of all studying since yesterday I spent an hour inventing definitions to terms I had never heard. I did know the Spanish parts, though, maybe that will be enough? Well, now that I have nothing to stress about, of course I came up with new activities to keep me occupied. Last night was insane, I was doing a million things at the same time. 

My friends went to check out an apartment for us for next fall, one of them got hit by a car, we had conversations about the pros and cons of the apartment, I tried to organize a trip to Jyväskylä to see the apartment (to smell it, actually, to see if it has some air problems), Dad called four times to ask questions about the apartment so I won't screw something up and make a crappy deal, I started improving my CV for next week 'cause I'll apply to travel guide training and by that time I was completely confused and exhausted.

Yeah. I could take it easy today, then. Started by writing to two websites about our apartment-hunt and talking to Dad on the phone twice, again, about the apartment. I've used the word "apartment" so many times now that I hate it. I cooked, which was finally something I could start AND finish without an annoyingly long wait, like with my entrance exam results.

I guess I got it all out now. This song helps. Channel of frustration or a source of adrenaline, however it helped with nervousness before the exam yesterday.

 

Battle cry and so on

It has been a weekend full of fun! I've been hanging out with friends a lot, it was really nice to see you Emilia, it had been so long! :) I am happy to see that my skin has probably absorbed some of the sunlight already so I don't have to be completely pale when everyone else looks like roasted coffee beans. 

A long morning walk on Saturday was such a great beginning of a beautiful day, that continued with friends and drinks. However, the highlight of the weekend was last night. Yeah, everybody knows what happened: evil big wolf ate little white-and-blue lambs. Not taking the result into account, the evening was great. Never before have I been watching a world championships finale in a bar, and it was an experience totally worth having. Yeah, I had to stand for about five hours which killed my legs but I can't complain. The atmosphere was to the roof, which almost exploded every time Finland managed to make a goal. Also, witnessing the reactions to seeing Mr. President and the throat-cutting head coach (with his wires and mic to give instructions to the new head coach) was pretty clarifying...at least the opinion of the Finnish public is clear.

What else is new? Well, I have really started to like this song and I have some weird interest in getting a tattoo. Never thought I would, but there it is. A little more consideration is needed before I carve something on my skin, though.

When all is said and written

Here I am back in my apartment in Helsinki after two exhausting but fun days in Jyväskylä. +25, sunshine, friends and what feels like a successful entrance exam made my mood jump up to the sky. On top of that, school's over tomorrow!

I hate guessing the result after an exam 'cause even though I want to, I don't dare say that I believe I will get in. This time however, I'll say that damn it, if I don't get in then I don't know who does. There's always a possibility to improve but still, I feel confident that my interviews and essay prove that it is where I belong.

Now all there's left to do is to go check out the Wednesday's Spanish exam and to make someone go to Linnanmäki with me. 

Who would make the time stop?

Damn it, here I am again, wondering what the hell I want to do with my life. Not that any drastic changes are on the way but once again I feel like I should make decisions but even if I would make them, nothing would happen until after a long, anxious wait. Or not at all. And it sucks.

I have had more piece of mind after my conversation with my friend a while back, thank you for helping me by understanding my confusion about being so clueless and messed up! Can't say I've figured it out but maybe I'm not quite as confused anymore. Anyway, another feeling has emerged from the back of my head and it is one of the scariest feelings I know. Time is running out.

Having one exam and one feedback lesson left of school this spring, it is starting to really sink in that this is it, maybe for good for me in this school and this city. I know it is completely my decision when it comes to what I am doing and where I am going, but somehow I feel like time's up here and I am changing the direction of my life again, mostly willingly but a little part of me wonders if I really wanna leave this place. I don't know if I'm finished here yet. 

I am looking forward to the new breezes school-wise, but my social life here is really what I will remember of these few months of my life. I have made so many friends and even the thought of leaving them and this part of my life terrifies me. I am so ready to find what I am good at and passionate about, but what am I supposed to do when I am finally passionately living my life and it finally got interesting? I get the now or never-feeling quite a lot now but in the end I always end up pushing that thought away because the never-option makes me actually a little sad.

To finish this I want to share a song that gives you the feeling only a student knows. Though the education gained in this school hasn't been really my thing, it has been probably the best time of my life so far, even with all the confusion and steps taken backwards. Figuratively and literally, I gotta add... And notice Haaga-Helia coveralls, nobody's got them as cool as we do! I have been proud to wear them through so many weird and amazing moments.

 

 

Nothing to add

After three hours of filling paperwork and gathering documents (I have a tip for everybody: get a job or be rich.. paperwork sucks), I just need something relaxing. This song should do, don't you think?

 

   

Too much but not enough

It's been a while again, but I haven't really been sitting around with nothing to do in a while either. The May Day celebrations are now over (finally) and those ten days will remain in my memories for a long time, I had such a great time getting to know new, awesome people and doing all kinds of crazy things all around Helsinki. I've taken silly pictures, visited plenty of bars, got (asked for) five fake proposals, wrestled in a park and laughed a lot. Thank you all for making this an amazing experience!

After all the craziness, sleep deprivation and the sudden realization and panic that my entrance exams are in a few weeks, it was good to come back home to the countryside to recharge my batteries again. I needed to clear my head and take a look back to see if what I've been lately wondering is really an issue. After I moved to the capital I wrote about finding my place and myself and finally starting to change into the person I wanna be. Well, how do you know when you are going too far? What if you realise that you went past that good place and you want to take a few steps back? How do I know if all I'm going through is a natural part of the process of growing up and maturing or if it's reflecting something that's wrong? I used to feel like I have it all together, now I don't know anymore. Why am I so complex that even I can't figure me out myself...

This very moment, writing this text in my parents' house, in the basement, in the same exact chair I used to sit in every night, the same kind of mysterious thoughts trying to jump from my brain to this blank white space to form a story, brings me back to the time when this was my everyday life. I didn't think it would feel so strange, nor that I'd remember this situation so clearly and vividly from the past. Although everything seems to be the same (I am even wearing the same jacket I always wore back then!) I know that something's different. I am.

Whether it is a good or bad thing, I am not sure. Maybe it's good that it's been bad, or bad though it has been also good. It is possible that the change is good, but how it happened is bad or that maybe the direction of the change was bad from the beginning. However, no matter how I put it and try to judge if I am a better or a worse person than before, one thing is for sure: I am many experiences richer than before. That sentence wasn't what I initially wrote, though, at first I was going to claim that I am stronger than before. I thought of it and decided that it's not yet time to say so. I will say it one day, though, I promise that.