Lately I've found myself using that word way too often. I could study this a little now so I'll have more time later but... I bought that damned television and now it lures me with its entertaining contents so I always end up wrapping a blanket around me and relaxing on the bed. And going to sleep early like every night. I could also go to the gym or some group workout classes and I actually want to go but... I really don't know if it's laziness I learned while staying home for six months or if it's just that the school is taking much more time and energy than I thought so that I really am too tired to go. Today I promised my friend to go to the school gym with her next week, though, so I hope I will manage to order myself to go there. I really should, for several reasons. But.
I guess a part of my inability to make myself do anything comes from the fact that I'm still in the process of finding my place here. I have got used to my new routines and I am not as bothered by the noise from outside anymore at night than I was in the beginning. School is going okay and I have friends that I can be myself around and I love learning French but there's still something missing. I like living on my own and having all the choices, like eating pinaattilettuja with apple jam for dinner and nobody will come and tell me that it's weird or stupid. The downside of this is that since my schedules are quite different to my roommate's, I am alone here most of the time and it gets a little lonely. Not that I'd want roommates at all, being alone is exactly what I need after a long and tiring day, but I kind of miss having familiar people around.
I've learned about myself a lot, though, during these past three weeks. I've realized what matters to me, what I am passionate about and I've learned to trust those little half-thoughts and half-emotions, those that pass through my mind speaking the utmost truth in an indirect form that I am to interpret. Now that finally allow myself to really face what they are telling me, I know that I can have peace with what I decide and that it's okay to choose otherwise. So for now I'm embracing everything around me trying to find the missing motivation and enthusiasm and also warmly greeting whatever the future might hold. No idea what this song is about 'cause I understand like three words but I like it anyway. Bonne nuit everybody!
After the first week of school and the second living in the capital I am a little bit wiser and more experienced. First of all, I've got a better idea of what my studies will be like and well, I can't tell yet if it's a good or a bad thing. Time will show if I choose to stay here or to try again to find what I am supposed to do. I haven't had enough lessons to determine whether I like them or not, though I already like French. I am kind of in a constant panic about it, since I will have to study so damned much independently if I want to really learn it and I don't know if I will be able to make enough time for it. Also our big project for the spring has started and I gotta say I am a little nervous about it since we haven't even agreed on the company we want to research. We'll see.
It has been damned cold the whole time I've lived here. Luckily, it will be only around -8 degrees next week so I won't totally freeze. Anyway, I have used the public transport enough to a. freeze a few times waiting for a tram at the stop, b. (almost) learn how to use it and c. manage to be the only sober one in a metro. On Friday around midnight on the way from eastern Helsinki to the center I got to witness all types of drunk people and I laughed so much in my head the whole way. There were the teenage girls, one of whom was asking another one to please aim elsewhere if she was to throw up, a loud and happy group of youngsters, a small group of 30-ish men coming from a poker night, sophisticated and cool. Desperate immigrant trying to hit on every girl within five meters (not to be racist, it just happened to be an immigrant.. I am a 100 % sure a Finnish man would be the same in case he ever managed to get in a metro in still that good condition) and of course, the typical old-fashioned drunk to whom that state was probably everyday life.
I don't say I'm loving it here but it's not too bad, though sometimes I really miss the peace and quiet.
That was the favorite word of each speaker on Thursday and Friday and I literally woke up one night the only thought in my head being "networks". All this means that it's time to say goodbye freedom once and for all and hello responsibilities, stress, workloads and deadlines. And a lot of partying to balance that, of course. And here I'd like to point out that we have been told even by the teachers that partying equals networking so it is almost obligatory in case you want the connections.
It is here, finally, the real start of school again. After two days of endless speeches and presentations and so much information that everyone have already forgotten most of it it was really nice to reset our brains on Friday night the very typical student way and now after gaining back the energy, I'm excited to start what I came here to do. My schedule is quite easy and leaves time for relaxing (read: homework, projects and essays). I have a couple of long days but then I have only one lesson on Mondays which I like a lot. Too bad for me that I have my hardest day on Thursday and Wednesday is apparently the official day for creating networks in the student world. Great. And on top of our scheduled schoolwork we will be spending the entire spring working on this mysterious project with a confusing name. Everyone's a little scared since nobody has a clear vision of what's to come.
I have lived in the capital for a week now and I gotta say that it hasn't been that bad. I like how close and easy to get all the services and means of transportation are. Coming from the countryside I expected crowds, noises and anxiety but to my delightful surprise I got to take a walk for an hour surrounded by trees and at times even no sight of buildings or roads. Definitely more people and noise than back home but so far I've been fine with it. I still struggle with believing that I really live here, I might smile by myself walking in the center just because I find it so funny that I will spend the next years of my life here. This was so not what I planned that I constantly realize it over and over again how surreal the situation is. Positive surreal, though, and I can't wait for the summer since it will be so beautiful here. I still have some adapting to do when it comes to living by myself and the cruel reminder of it comes for example in the form of no milk in the fridge when you need coffee at 7 am.
I have this kind of a surreal feeling right now. I am sitting by my new desk in my new apartment in my own room (for the first time in my life...) eating breakfast. Yesterday was a fun but also a sad day, since I got to experience so many new things but at the end of it my family left back to Kuopio. My apartment is really nice, especially my room. Decorating it a little in my style makes it even better. I have boxes and bags still covering the floor but today my goal is to unpack everything. And hopefully see who my roommate is, 'cause she wasn't here yesterday when I went to sleep but now she is. The other roommate I saw yesterday, though she was just moving out so someone new will come soon.
I am sure this is going to be great, I just need a while to adapt. I can hear trams going in front of the house, which is really weird for me, a countryside girl in the big city...
If I had plenty of money, I would pack a bag and catch the first plane as far away as possible. Then I'd come back and do it again.
If my endurance was the opposite of the current one, I'd run a marathon. I want the amazing feeling of crashing all the barriers of disbelief in myself.
If
I spoke perfect French, I'd sit in a
little café in Paris chatting to French people, reading a newspaper
while wearing Chanel sunglasses and just enjoying life.
If my life was a movie, I would want the perfect fairytale. If I could choose to be anyone for a day, I'd be someone who is so low and broken that I'd be forever happy that I am myself.
If I was brave enough, I'd always say aloud what I am thinking and feeling. If I really wanted, I could achieve all of that. I could get it all, I could experience what it really feels like to go through the emotions and situations I can so clearly picture in my head. But I don't mind if I won't. Some things are meant to be dreams and hopes and it's okay for them to stay like that.
I haven't really understood it yet, though the empty walls and shelves are pretty strong indications of the end of the life as I know it. Five nights left in my old bed, four days left to prepare myself for the exciting, new life.
And I still haven't found that painting.
I have written all kinds of things here and then deleted them 'cause nothing seems right and I don't know how to express what I'm thinking and feeling now so I'll just end this by saying that I love this song.
