Being productive or avoiding the obligatory?

I have no idea what has got into me but today I have managed to do so many (unexpected) things, but nothing that actually would be most urgent. In the morning I did go to the library like I planned, to get my Spanish course book for next week. Also, I thought that since I am required to know the language now again, I'd better refresh my memory so from now on my free time (or the part of it that I don't make excuses to do something else) will be spent with Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal. If I can't write anything else at my entrance exam of Spanish, I can write spells and hope that they interpret it as being creative and enthusiastic.

Anyway, thanks to this day I can look out of freshly cleaned windows (that have weird stripes in them now but I guess it's better than all the dirt). I also vacuumed and wiped the dust of everything in my room. However, all that took me probably less time than the dirt-monster I attacked in the morning: the dark place under the kitchen sink, where the trashcans live. I took everything out and washed and washed and washed and finally it was clean. Nobody probably needs to know the level of dirty it was in there, but I have a feeling that place hadn't been cleaned in years. 

Then I made lasagne. It's ready now. Maybe I'll eat some now, though the point of making it was not having to cook next week. 

All this (and watching the latest episodes of Grey's Anatomy and the Vampire Diaries) kept my busy all day, when what I really should have done was studying for the marketing exam next week or the entrance exams. Well, I have all weekend. And I just made plans to go to the zoo tomorrow... I am so glad I stopped stressing about things long ago, 'cause this situation might otherwise stress me out. Good decision, that was.

 

Between homes

Once again, I am in a train going back to Helsinki after eating my parents' food for almost a week. On the way there I decided that I am never ever taking a bus from Helsinki to Kuopio again, it was like torture. Six hours of pain in the back, legs and everywhere else since I had like 8 cm of space between my knees and the next seat row. What a wonderful experience. 

I wonder how many trips like this it's gonna take until I get used to changing the scenery so completely. A few more at least, since the previous days yet again seemed like a totally different life. Is it normal to feel like you have two lives, two realities that both seem to make perfectly sense when you're in it but instantly feel like a dream when you get out of the train at the other end? It's like this train is the closet that took the kids to Narnia, except I switch from a city to countryside. And the creatures at the other end are a bit more normal than those whom the kids encountered.

About a week ago our teacher said that very soon everything will fall into place and start making sense as far as the company project is concerned. Well, I really hope she was right and that it would apply in other aspects of life, too, since I feel like things keep forming a growing pile of stuff I have to manage to execute during my few hours in a day, everyday. Luckily, I found the best dictionary to help me study my entrance exam materials, my sister, and the articles are starting to make a little more sense than before. 

Yesterday I played the game called Castle, Princess & Earthquake. If only it was that easy to change the castle when things don't work out there, change the princess inside to fit the castle around and sometimes shake the earth properly in order to get some sanity in it.

You don't need gold if you have friends

Exhausted but happy is how I end this day. After a refreshing morning of sweating at the gym and studying for my entrance exam, I spent the evening meeting my dear old friend and a lot of new wonderful people! I knew it was going to be fun, but I had such a nice time that I was really sad to leave. 

Meeting new people can sometimes be really awkward and uncomfortable (especially if they are Finnish) but this time (probably also due to the fact they weren't) it was like I'd known them for a long time even though I don't really know anything about any of them and only remember one or two names. However, it wasn't weird at all to play games and dance and jump around with these people after being in the same room for only five or ten minutes. 

That's what I love about the orthodox circles, we are all so similar no matter where we come from. It is almost like our brains are adapted to the same wavelength so that it is effortless to spend time with each other from the first minutes on. And these guys... damn, they can sing! I could have kept listening to them for so much longer, but I guess it was better this way since even now it was already dark when I got home (real home? previous home? parents' house? what am I supposed to call it now that I live in a different city?).

I didn't even know that tonight was exactly what I needed. I have been hanging out with friends a lot, yeah, but this camp-like social cohesion and the funny four-language translations of the game rules made me forget all the stress and hurry I've felt lately. I needed a hug more than I thought, and luckily, I got plenty of them tonight.

So, in case any of you ever read this, thanks a lot again for a wonderful evening, I hope to meet you again some day!

 

Inexplicable weirdness

I don't always go deep in my thoughts to ponder the reasons that make me act or the events that affect my life. At times, then, I notice I am not satisfied with any form of existing. I keep questioning the world and I get paralyzed when I want to do something the most. I'm frustrated, happy, sad and calm at the same time.

I talk, I walk, I live my everyday life and every once in a life I freeze and wonder if I am making any sense. What am I doing this for, why do I spend my time like this? Do I have a purpose or am I just spending some free, meaningless time waiting for something? What am I waiting for?

I keep holding on to the self-image I've built but too often I think I forgot the updates. I am not who I was a year ago, and that person was not who she was a year before that. And that confuses me so much that I stopped defining it and lived instead, got stuck in the mixture of present and dreams and now I find myself in the big city having no idea who I am supposed to be and which parts of me I want to preserve. I need to let go of the ancient thought patterns that slow me down each day, I need to embrace the new sides of me I keep finding.

The most haunting feeling in the world is waiting for your life to start. I wait and then it hits me: this is it. Why do I always forget it? It goes away whenever I live in the moment, do something impulsive, follow truly my instincts regardless of the judgements of others. If it comes from my heart, I feel alive.

I am constantly looking for something more, to feel something more, to find something that makes me complete and gives a meaning for all of this. All of what, I don't even know what I am talking about. I just know that I am angry at myself when I waste a moment in life and that there's nothing better than a brief moment of happiness, dancing alone to your favorite song until a tear falls down your cheek.

I don't know what the hell is going on in my head these days, but this very flowing stream of thoughts is the best description I can make of it. I sound totally messed up, I know. Tomorrow, though, I might look at this through eyes of clarity. That's what makes it so weird.

No more excuses

Now it's official, I am starting to work out again. I decided that this damned flu, that's made me stay more or less still for the past month, is over. I went for a walk yesterday and even that made me feel so good that I said to myself: no more laziness. Or sickness. It's time for a change.

I just did a 7-minute workout that my sister recommended and I realized I am starting from the very bottom. Long gone are the days when I was strong and fit, I thought lying on the floor breathing heavily. Now, on the other hand, that my breath has become even and I feel the endorphins rushing through my body, all I feel is determination. I know I have to start slowly, since I don't want to stress my body too much for the flu to hit back. I am gonna need more patience and willpower than in a long time, since I am not planning on failing this time. Yeah, I am blaming myself for wasting half a year doing nothing when I could have spent all my days exercising, but it does no good to get stuck in the past.

I can do this. I remember how good it feels after a weekend of trainings when every single muscle in your body is sore and you're wondering if you manage to drive home since your legs are shaking so much. I want to feel that exhaustion again. I wanna drive a car, too, it's been quite a while, now that I thought of it.

All the time I've been wondering why I am so tired all the time and now that I did even a bit of sports I feel extremely energetic. It has been so easy to stay in, blame it on the freezing weather or a sore throat. Now it's above zero and I'm finally healthy, so it's time.

And the reason I wrote about this here is that since now someone might know I am trying the exercise, I really have to do it. Because if they ask about it, it'll be pathetic if I have to admit that I gave up. 

 

The city never sleeps, I have to

When you start a day when you're already tired, there is a certain pattern how it is going to go. This happens every single time and today, for example, I experienced all these stages of tiredness.

 In the beginning of the day you're feeling extremely energetic and good, which is a little deceitful since in reality you are just a little too tired to actually fall asleep. This is the best part. Today it was sunny, felt like spring and I was feeling good.

However, it only took about an hour or so that the next stage took over. My eyes literally shut down at a very random point in English class and my brain (that had just been overworking) was switched off.

That stage isn't much longer than the first one, though. The next stage seems hilarious to you, but to others it seems idiotic. This is the hysterical part and I am a little ashamed I had the same teacher for the last two lessons 'cause he even commented my ridiculously cheerful state of mind. He probably thinks I am never serious since it is always his lessons when I am like this...

When the tiniest things stop making your belly hurt from laughing, you become the archetype of a Finnish person: not a word unless absolutely needed. And if someone makes me talk then, even one word that made their sentence too long or an annoying comment (tip:do not comment how grumpy I am) can make me unwanted company.

When that stage starts to fade away, it is usually late enough that you can go to sleep or at least you can leave all the mood changes 'cause you know you'll get to go to bed soon. In the end, though, at this stage you know what you've known all day (or at least those parts when you had some brain activity): it was totally worth it.


 

Maybe, probably, definitely -- or maybe not

Do I go straight home or to the grocery store first?

Do I want apples or bananas?

Or do I go at all?

Do I vacuum my room or do the dishes? (hah, I'll watch TV and we all know it)  

Black shoes or brown shoes?

Pricy and good or cheap and average?

Laundry today or tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow?
 

Should I or shouldn't I?

That's the question. Everyday. Why is it so hard?

 

Everyone's a bitch until proved otherwise

Like my friend put it a few hours ago over drinks. We were talking about tolerance and prejudices especially from our views as girls from outside the Ring 3. It was funny to go back to the first moments we met each other and to see how our thoughts have changed. With some people, the preconception has only grown stronger but with others it has totally changed. 

I have a pretty good idea of what kind of a first impression people get about me and what they think of me after only a little time knowing each other. The funny part is, though, that I know there's a lot more to me than people guess at first and I have the ability to change their conceptions by opening up. I take a little time with it, since I like to find out what kind of people I'm dealing with and I need to make sure they are worth opening up to. Luckily, I have found reliable people so I can really get to know my friends and tell them who I am. And what better way to bond than good food and Disney movies?

The title is a little provocative, I know, and not how I usually operate. However, it highlights the question: do you find new people threatening and have a reserved attitude towards them or are you curious to see who they are? That is exactly what first impression is about, if you get a vibe that someone might be annoying, you keep looking for the annoying qualities until you've reached the conclusion if they are only a little or really annoying. Negative attitude before forming first impressions makes you look for the negative and the other way around.

After moving to the capital I have noticed qualities in myself I had never noticed before. For example, my blood was almost boiling when on a lesson on Friday some girl basically said that Finland consists of the capital area and the countryside. I get that some people haven't traveled much within the Finnish borders but come on. I have started to defend living in the countryside and find myself sometimes even objecting to some things that can happen or be found only in cities. Also, the lack of common sense I've noticed in some people is something I don't have much patience for. 

The perfect sunshine this morning made me miss summer a lot so here's a little summer feeling for everyone! 

 

Magically realistic

Gotta love the Disney movies.