New beginning, once again

"...but these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one to tell them to..."

Basically, it's just a normal day. Nothing special, I don't even feel different. But it's the last one of the year, tomorrow it'll be another year and another beginning.

I'm not doing anything special this new year's, just hanging out at home. We'll go to sauna, eat, watch ice hockey and shoot some fireworks. Simple, and I like it. I don't have to really do anything, which suits me well. My brain is totally on a vacation mode, especially since on Sunday I gotta start cramming for a book exam on sociolinguistics, yay!

For the past few years this time of the year has been filled with excitement, and this year is no exception. Once again I'm thinking that the next year will be the best of my life, and it is, and then I top that with the following one. I just hope this pattern can keep going on like this, that there's no limit when it can't get any better. But with what's coming in two months, I have a feeling that the one to come might just be number one for quite a while.

2015 has been full of experiences, good and bad. Emotions, trips, friends, memories; I'll remember them for a long, long time. I am grateful for this year, as it hasn't been among the easiest; however, it's been a good thing. I've learned a lot, among other things that I still have a lot to learn. But above all, I do have people to tell my stories to, and that's really all I need to start a new year.

One more day...

...and I can go home!

This has been somehow a crazy fall, time seems to have disappeared in a blink. But now that I think about it, I've managed to do quite a lot; Spanish studies, board game day at my old primary school, two great concerts, Mom's surprise birthday cottage weekend, my own birthday party, organization work, meetings, events, a cruise, exams... So much everything in a few months, and so much everything in the past two days, that my brain is literally stuck. No wonder I'm having trouble producing this text, even though I've been wanting to write something for a while now.

Anyway, all the work of this semester will be rewarded tomorrow when I have the final task of this year. We'll go to a nearby school to organize a language workshop of Spanish, for which we today made some posters with animals, numbers etc and it was so nice to talk in Spanish for a few hours again, I kind of missed it even though the last time was about a week or two ago.  Funny how you can miss a language, although I assume I'll get used to that feeling in a bit over two months (!!!).

I cannot wait to start my vacation and do absolutely nothing but relax, have fun with my family and recharge my batteries. I am also looking forward to the spring, as I've got many things coming up before I go. As I left the subject organization board I took no time in getting myself the subcommittee chairperson post and very likely I'll join a committee of youth work at my parish, which is just like me. "I will not join anything for a long time now!" Yeah right. Anyway, it's gonna be super fun as there are nice events awaiting as well as the choir I promised to join. I have to say, it was almost accidentally and sort of as a bribe, but now I gotta live up to the promise. We'll see how that goes...

I cried a little inside when I set my alarm for tomorrow as it will cruelly start ringing at 6:15, which is the earliest I've probably woken up all year. But, after a few hours of speaking Spanish to kids I'll get to take a bus ride home. Countryside here I come!

The sweetest dreams

I'm totally a sucker for fairy tales. I cannot explain it, I don't know why I have such a strong reaction to them, but I do. It can be a book, a film, a song, a story someone told me or pretty much anything, I'm sold. The pattern is always the same, and I know exactly how it's gonna turn out in the end, but I cannot help but fall in love with the stories. 

The films I might watch again and again and the effect is never any duller. Every hardship is just as sad, every moment of anxiety is my moment of anxiety, and every ending is just as happy time after time. The weirdest thing is that these fairy tales make me feel happy, which I know is an illusion. However, I can't help myself, I buy it completely.

And even though I understand that it's not real, that the stories sound and seem perfect when in reality they would be painted with much darker colors as well, I believe it. I choose to believe that it is true and it's possible, 'cause how could something so beautiful not exist? How could such a sweet dream be just a lie?

Romantic dramas, romantic comedies, Disney films; they work each time. Maybe it's because I tend to feel other people's emotions so strongly that I live these tales so deeply, or maybe it's because of these tales that I feel the way I do all the time. But still, I'm mesmerized by the intensity of the words, the faces, the parts that are left unsaid. I'm inspired by emotions so strong that they change people, even if they were just acted.

I am a romantic, and in search of my moments I follow the ones of the others, hoping that someday it will be me under the moonlight, smiling like I've never smiled before.

I know I can, so I will

I am a planner, and I like it. It works in my daily life, it keeps me organized. It drives me ahead and somehow helps me stay sane in my crazy schedules filled with activities. But for some reason, the best, most interesting and exciting things that happen to me are almost without exception been more or less sudden ideas that I've made reality very quickly. Starting kickboxing, promising to take on the post of the camp leader with a two-month warning time, applying and moving to Helsinki to study, deciding to leave that and come to Jyväskylä instead, applying for exchange to Peru, just to mention a few. They've turned out to be among the best things that have happened to me, and I've really just gone with my gut on those. 'Cause really, when you know, you feel it to be right, you don't need to think it over and over and make a plan.


And it works, and I am so excited, and yes freaking out a little bit, but I feel like I am making my life happen. I'm taking chances and doing what I love to do, testing my limits and above all, I believe in myself enough to say yes when I feel like it's the right thing for me.

Say hello to the new chairperson of the Subcommittee of International Affairs of the Student Union of the University of Jyväskylä!

Wow, that's a long title. Luckily I might not use it in that extent all the time.

I'll start only next fall, as we're sharing the chairperson's post with another girl. I'll be away this spring and she will be away in the fall, so I guess the arrangement is kind of perfect. I can still have the break I really need, and then start slowly with something I am really interested in and eager to get my hands and ideas on.

So, that's my news for tonight. Funny how you think the year's basically over and nothing can happen anymore and I hit the biggest bomb of all.

As long as we care

During the past two weeks or so I've been reading these two novels by Fitzgerald for a literature exam, where I'm supposed to analyze the themes of the books. Well, don't know about how I'll get through the exam, but here's a theme analysis for you.

There's a lot of hate in the world, a lot of anger and bitterness. However, there's a force even worse than those; indifference. Towards your spouse, your family, the youngster who keeps getting in trouble all the time, the refugees who have witnessed more horrors than anyone ever should. And we close our eyes, act as if there was nothing in the space that is actually occupied by another human being, and walk away. 

It's unfair, it's cruel but above all it is sad to see, or even read, when someone who used to look at the other with the sparks of their soul now stares blankly ahead, barely acknowledging. How someone can turn from a lover to a stranger, a ghost while still alive. The most painful hit comes in the form of not caring, and when that flame dies out, something is lost for good.

And I admit, I get it on some level. I remember wishing I could just not care, when something has been hurtful or unpleasant to deal with. But in the end I don't want to, since it would be losing something. Whether the indifference is towards yourself or others, the consequence is the still same.

As long as we feel something, there's still hope. The scary thing is that this is a phenomenon present in our daily lives and it's way too easy to look to the other direction. Schools suffer from it when bullying takes the form of intentional indifference, so do work places and even the world of politics, in my opinion. As for schools, it is one lethal disease that can haunt you behind every corner. Maybe coming from a home where caring isn't a priority, to a school where the teacher sees you just as a trouble during a class instead of a human being, where other kids treat you like crap, the pressure from it all is just too much for anyone to handle. Wanna make an attempt at solving the issue of social exclusion? Start caring, start looking, start listening. 

That's where the book ended, not giving me any reassurance that it might not be the end of it after all. But I still believe, since I believe in the world, that we might be able to pick ourselves or each other up from the rock bottom, and start to care again. If we couldn't, this would be a pretty damned dark place, wouldn't it?

¿Ayer, hoy o mañana?

Últimamente he pensado mucho en el pasado y en cómo las situaciones anteriores de mi vida en realidad han influido mi presente. Las decisiones, las personas y mi concepción de mí misma, los libros que he leído, los cuentos que les he contado a mis amigos. Y cómo, a pesar de haber decidido en ese momento que ya basta, tengo que pasar a la parte siguiente, estos recuerdos vuelven en momentos imprevisibles. Y empiezo a preguntarme si lo que decidí entonces, lo que hasta ayer creía que era correcto, era necesario, bien o algo que realmente quería.

Conversamos sobre este tema con una amiga hoy caminando por las calles oscuras mientras copos de nieve enormes estaban cayendo de las nubes y me aseguró de que toda la gente piensa a veces en estas cosas. El problema es que me molesta que estos pensamientos y recuerdos me distraigan aunque estoy segura de que si pudiera hacerlo otra vez, no cambiaría nada. No repetiría ninguna parte de mi vida, ni las más perfectas ni las peores.

Como me dijo ella, quizás es normal sentir así a veces. Con casi todo, siempre hay una verdad que no se puede negar; había un tiempo cuando eso era todo lo que quería, y todo lo que jamás podría querer. Y cuando estaba en este momento cuando lo tenía todo, ¿qué hice? Me preguntaba si ese fue lo que quería. Empezaba a tener otros sueños y otras cosas que quería, que necesitaría para ser totalmente contenta. ¿Por qué no podemos quedar satisfechos con lo que tenemos, o es una cuestión de no haber sabido qué hay tanto más que somos capaces de conseguir? 

Volviendo al pasado en los recuerdos, hay que recordar que la cabeza no es objetiva; te puede mostrar los recuerdos bonitos, las risas felices y los éxitos, o te puede prohibir todas las partes buenas. Y en este momento aquí y ahora hay que tratar de ver la realidad como es, recordar el pasado con todos los aspectos y pensar si es posible ganar algo con estos pensamientos en el futuro. Y muchas, muchas veces he llegado a la conclusión que no vale la pena pasar demasiado tiempo en el pasado, ni siquiera en los momentos perfectos. Las personas cambian, y yo he cambiado, y eso es la razón porque lo que quería entonces ya no me va bien.

Me calma un poco que hay ciertos planes, sueños y ideologías que son permanentes, que sé con certeza que no van a desaparecer. Sí pueden cambiar, pero los cambios complementarán lo que ya he construido. Sé que parece muy inocente decir que no van a cambiar mis ideologías con mis 21 años de experiencia de la vida, pero creo que mi edad es exactamente lo que me permite decir así.

When the nights get a little bit colder

I wrote something.

I wrote something, and I read it, and I flinched.

How could I have written something filled with so much doubt, so much hatred and so much suspicion towards people?

I am not that dark. I  do go there, but I live in the light, still.

 I wrote something, and I erased it.

A bit embarrassed, a bit scared. If I don't believe in people, and tomorrow you don't believe in people, and next week she doesn't, soon there will be nobody left.

'Cause all that really matters, is that we hold on. 

Hold onto each other.

Hold on

Sometimes I wish I could take a peek into the future and see how things turned out. If the decision I made a year ago proved to be the right one, if the same people are still in my life and whether there is someone totally new. It would be reassuring, somehow, to know that I'll reach something. Not so pleasant if it turned out I hadn't, but still. 

Then I think that it would take the excitement out of it, of the moment of here and now, and I'd lose the element of not knowing what's going to happen. After all, not having a clue is what makes it so magical, but what if the magic just fades away and it's dull all along? Would I look back on right now and do something differently, would I see my life as a series of accomplishments and moments lived to the fullest or a stream of situations and actions, the significance of which more vague than it ever was?

I keep wishing I was already there, I can see it in front of my eyes. The whole picture of all the things that have led to it and how I'd feel. Not perfectly happy, 'cause that's a utopia. I would have found out that happiness is a decision, like love is a construction. And still, in spite of it I'd love, I'd laugh and I'd smile because I chose to and it wouldn't be all the time, but it would be enough. 

Then I come back to right now, and realize that even though I keep myself busy, I feel like drowning under expectations set mostly by myself and responsibilities taken on mostly by myself, I shake my head and let out a little laugh. Silly girl, you are already there, and even though the dream is still there too, like the most perfect glittery sticker of all of those that I used to collect, I can lift my eyes up to the reality. And say that I already know that happiness is not a permanent state, not a goal or a reward; it's in feeling and living and laughing and in the eyes of the other people. And I fall in love with being alive, since even though it's dark, cold and raining, I am here. I am here, I am me, and it's magical now. And it will keep being magical, not all the time, not every day, but it will, if I believe so.

Who knows when the moment of "being there" comes, who knows if it'll ever come. I can only think of every day as my "there" and look back on the things that brought me there. And so have a few more reasons each day, a tiny bit of more experience, a little more understanding and a lot more to find out.

Refreshing for the spirit

A brief change of scenery can be surprisingly good for you. It's been a crazy week, but a memorable one also. Celebrating mom's birthday on Monday will continue today with a surprise cottage-weekend with the entire family, which is why I've spent the day in the kitchen basically. It was a tiny bit more challenging than usually, as I am really tired from the student cruise we were at from Wednesday to yesterday. Ships are funny places, I gotta say. But what happens on the ship, stays on the ship... However, we had a blast, and now despite the coma I feel kind of reborn. Somehow I needed that, now I can concentrate again on finishing the studies for this year.

It's unbelievable how fast this fall has gone. It feels like it was just a while ago that the summer ended, and now we're almost halfway through the academic year. And, it's Christmas soon, can't wait!

Again and again

I wonder whether one of these times it'll finally sink in. I keep having the same realization over and over, just to notice that the previous one took me nowhere. The idea is so right every time, how do I keep still messing it up?

I need to change the concept of selfishness in my head. Now, I almost feel like it's pretty much the worst thing I could do, when in reality I should have a lot more of it to be normal. I matter, what I think and feel should matter in the decisions and promises I make, the actions I take to move forward in life. I should feel my own emotions before anyone else's and I should take my own chances instead of holding myself back to give the space to someone else.

I keep waking up to the thought of me, someone who doesn't really speak up. I have always relied on a figurative partner in crime, a confident, a second opinion, that I've let become the first voice that matters. I have no idea how to let go of such a concept, how do I loose the guilt that keeps asking for other people's opinion and punches mine to the ground before even I know what she was going to say?

The surface says I have it all organized, hey, I'm a camp leader and a teacher student and all that. And for many parts I do, have it together and organized in perfect order. But sometimes, which nowadays isn't that rarely, I accidentally sigh and all the flower petals I just arranged nicely fly away. 

Faces

He started to take off his mask, and everyone gasped of surprise; he had another one underneath. Was it really a surprise, though, don't we all conceal our faces with masks and painted emotions day after another? Hunting for pray, we hide ourselves behind a costume, the real creature hungry for affection.


Status, hierarchy, agendas. When did we lose the one that truly matters, how come we forgot? Friendliness fell to the ground when we ran forward with the pursue of power and personal gain, genuineness died when we willingly put on the disguise. 


And no matter how scary he looked, how people flinched when he approached their group constructed by social pressure and expectations, he still reciprocated with kindness when greeted with it. 

And I see through it, I witness the game of conditional pleasing and deliberate indifference, and I know they might see through me too, and I'm afraid they do.

Painting the canvas with imagination

A while ago in a class we watched a video of a speech about how school kills creativity. After spending almost four hours on perfecting a presentation that we refused to do as a boring generic PowerPoint slideshow, moving half of my friend's furniture to create perfect settings for photographing hand-written papers functioning as slides, and several ideas that started to get too extravagant, we finally created an elegant, creative and different presentation.

I know it took about five times more time than a really basic presentation would have, but it is partly due to the fact we haven't done anything like this before. Doesn't that already sound alarming? I feel like this and any kind of creativity should be encouraged a lot more in education. Damn, if I don't remember the points of the article the presentation summarized after all that work, I probably have a serious medical condition. There are tons of ways to present an idea, why settle for the same exact thing everyone does every single time? Besides, our presentation looks awesome and we had so much fun making it.

It might not even be about school killing creativity; I think it's more about the lack of opportunities to express yourself in artistic ways. If you had a task of presenting a novel you had to read for a class, why couldn't you make a sock puppet story, a song, a music video or a role play out of it instead of a slideshow presentation? I'm so gonna try to incorporate such methods in my teaching someday. I'd love to hear a subjunctive song or see a play demonstrating the prepositions.

In the end, we don't remember the sentences following the bullet points after some time has passed, we remember the things that made us laugh, the ones that impressed us and the ones that we couldn't take our eyes off. 

Wow, I think I should start writing about educational themes more often. I feel like I'm bursting with ideas and enthusiasm to shake up the traditions of teaching, which I understand to be also a bit naive and idealistic. I just hope I won't ever lose this enthusiasm, 'cause if I do I will be guilty of killing my own fire. And that would be just dumb, since that's the flame where my passion for teaching comes from.

Random thoughts make a story, don't they?

How do you know you're really a student? You're preparing to leave for a wine-tasting. On Monday. Yep, that's it. Only students can so sneakily organize a fancy-sounding event (which I'm sure will actually be quite fancy) that includes wine when the week is just starting. Well, on Thursday we won't even try to cover it, it's our subject organization's Halloween party.

What else is new? I'm getting back at my gym routine and I love it. It is so energizing. Plus, I'm gonna bake gluten-free American chocolate cupcakes on Wednesday. Hmm, I see the contradiction here...moving on.

What is the point of this post? I don't really know. 

Also, I found a girl who's been to Lima a year ago in the same university I'm going to, so we had lunch and I asked her everything I could think of. I can't even describe how excited I am about it. And, to make the lunch even better, there was a flash mob in the university restaurant. Seriously, how cool is that?
 

It's turning against me

I'm really starting to wonder whether I really like responsibility or if I've just got myself into such positions just because I could and I was expected to. The thing that bugs me so much is that sometimes, when you share the responsibility, other people fuck up or totally unrelated factors create obstacles and I feel all the weight of that. 

I know it's not my fault that things don't go as planned  but hell, if we're organizing something and there appears to be a throwback around every corner and it seems like nobody gives a rat's ass, I am not really left with loads of motivation to encourage people to have fun with us. 

They are little things, and not even that serious, but when they pile up and it just keeps on going and I feel like I'm alone in the mess that is just hanging there really messy, I feel like all I want is to raise my hands and deny having anything to do with it.

I'm so irritated that I'm struggling with keeping the text more or less reader-friendly. I'd really just like to curse. A lot.

And the thing is, that I've been here before. I've felt this same irritation before, knowing that I've brought it on myself by gathering all these responsibilities and I hate it. I'm like a junkie addicted to something that they don't even like.

Yeah, I don't even like it. Why the hell do I keep signing up for it?

Hey it's still light outside

Somehow I feel like my posts recently have been pretty dark and mysteriously sad. I don't really know what's up with that, I guess the emphasis comes from the fact that in those moments I've felt the most inspired to write, to get it all out of my system to make myself feel better. Anyway, I haven't been all depressed lately, I've had really great time as well. Last weekend, for example, was perfect! I visited my sister in Helsinki, went to see an amazing concert by the most popular Finnish pop-rock band, spent some quality time with my wonderful friends and then came home to my family. It's sort of a fall vacation for me, since I don't have any exams that would normally take place this week.

However, I gotta admit, this fall has been a lot about soul-searching and puzzled feelings. I am more confused and emotional than before, but I think I'm already starting to get some sense to it all. Acknowledging certain issues and starting to think outside the box, for instance. I think I still battle with the same questions I've been dealing with for years, and as I move forward in baby steps, I find myself tripping over the same stone I already thought I had jumped over. Like one of my favorite quotes says, "it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply".

But for now, I only hope the near future holds some happy feelings to be felt deeply. So it should, as I finished one course so, hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym or long walks around the lake, color my coloring book, write, read, see my friends and my sisters and everything else that will make me happy.

From the shady side of the heart

Bark, and I will flinch. Show your disappointment, and I will bow under the weight of the failed expectations. But when you are hurt, I will be too, I'll take the anxiety and fear and the thing you feel when you have a lump in your throat and I'll feel it and I'll try to make it better but I'm afraid I can't. I'll cry 'cause all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy so I could be happy, but how can I be happy when you're not? I'll scream for all the times I was strong when all I needed was a little bit of comfort, I'll shout for all the hugs I pretended I did not care for when I just needed someone to know.

It's funny how you see clearer looking down from a hill. Funny how you look at the tree leaves that glow golden against the sun and you feel as cold as the air.

I realized that every morning I stare at a mirror, but I can't remember the last time I really looked.

Wait, what?

I just bought plane tickets!! The most expensive thing I've bought in my life but it'll be totally worth it. I'll have to make my way through London and Dallas before I get to my destination but I'm sure I can handle that, especially after all the weirdness that went down while booking the tickets. Damned website maintenance projects. However, I got to practice my English skills on the phone and finally, everything was sorted out, though I'll probably have a huge phone bill. Anyway, all is well and I've got the key to flying away, literally, and I couldn't be more excited! Peru, here I come!

In a bit over four months, but I'm coming!

Travel jitters five months early

Ever since I got the final acceptance for my exchange from the university I'm going to, I've started to try to understand that it is really going to happen in a few months. Somehow it seems impossible to grasp; I'm the person who dreams, not the one who lives the picture-perfect adventures, right? I guess it's not true anymore, or at least it won't be. 

I just looked at flights (which are cheaper than I expected) and read another girl's blog who is doing her exchange in Peru now and I needed to stop to catch a breath. It is totally overwhelming, and while I have never been this excited about anything, at times I feel somehow paralyzed. I am the kind of person who finds comfort in routines, and also someone who might explode from feeling too much and I am concerned about how I'll survive there. Language-wise, studying-wise and living-wise yes, with a little adjustment, but emotionally or psychologically, that's another thing. It might be really hard, but it also could feel like exactly what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, I feel like it is almost ridiculous how amazing an opportunity I've been given.

In my world, a trip to the city was something super exciting when I was a child. In my world, seeing a sunset takes my breath away. In my world, traveling to all kinds of exotic places happens only in imagination. So, I'm trying to say that I do not take this lightly.

Dreams have always been these fairy tales that end when you open your eyes or turn to the last page, but this time it's different. I know it will be the experience of a lifetime, and it is scary as hell.

Circles

And I hear it and I am sad, because it is so beautifully appealing to the words I did not even think yet. How can you miss something you haven't lost yet, how can you fix what haven't been broken yet?

A word after another and I imagine it, the feelings are lost in the blank film. But then I find them in the unsuspecting second of jumping, laughing, singing out of happiness, the tears start trembling behind my eyelids and I squeeze them shut.

I believe that music and emotions dance on the same frequencies, and when they meet, true beauty is found.

What's up?

I always say that "next week it'll get easier, I'll have more time to just hang out", and I'm always wrong. Well, this week I have three whole days when I don't have anything planned yet (although one is reserved for...the day after), so that pretty much counts as keeping the promise. I've been super busy with stuff, most of which is really nice, though. I had a party to celebrate my recent ageing, and my friends baked me a llama cake. How amazing is that? I think nobody's ever done anything that cool for me. 

Having lots of activities is nice and it keeps life interesting and changing, but somehow after a while even varying activities can start feeling numb. I hope I won't lose the thrill of participating in all the planning, schedules and responsibilities. I've been feeling somehow restless lately, and I can't quite figure out why. Do I miss something in my life, do I need something more? Am I making myself happy or just getting through life? Besides, I've had really bizarre dreams, which are too weird to even tell. However, it makes me uneasy to recognize in them needs or wishes that are not so nice to recognize, and although they present themselves in weird or non-literal ways, they are still there. Damn my dreams, I'd rather not think about that kind of stuff. Ignorance is a bliss, they say. Don't they?

One of the amazing birthday presents I got was this super popular mindfulness-coloring book for adults. When I first heard about them I thought it's crap, but when I tried it once I loved it. And now I can color as much as I want, which is actually really therapeutic. You just simply don't think about anything else while you're trying to fill each teeny tiny tree leaf with color, which is perfect for me. Speaking of perfect, the coloring book is killing my perfectionism. I don't know what's up with it, but my patience and hand-eye-coordination is just not sufficient to be excellent at it, I am having major trouble staying within the lines. It's a coloring book for adults, and my work looks like it was done by a 5-year-old, but I don't care. It's my therapy. Or, a really bad influence on my neurotic part, I haven't decided yet. Somehow I always feel a need to do it logically by some weird definition, to finish a certain stage in each image before I can take a break or quit for the day. I'm so weird, I know.

I feel like change is coming in one way or another. It makes me excited but also causes me flashbacks of the past, of the moments when I felt comfortable, happy, safe. And I know going back is not the answer, it would be a mistake to hold on too tight. Letting go on some abstract level, letting go of something I can't even grasp in a concrete sense is what I need to do. Maybe I'm just being sentimental, or scared of the unknown. All I know is that it's really hard to analyze something you can't even verbalize, but I'm staying optimistic and I'll try to get some sense into these thoughts.

To live or not to live - that is the question

Yesterday I got a good laugh when I opened my mail, as I received a document that I had ordered for some student grant application which stated my current status to be "alive". I'm glad that's been cleared now and made official. Anyway, as I was granted a life yesterday, I thought why not help someone hold onto theirs today. So, I went to donate blood, which was a nice experience just like the last five times I've done it, though I'm always questioning my decision when they take out the needle. However, as the recent theme has been living, I started to wonder what it really means. I am breathing, thinking, speaking and moving as do all the other people walking on this earth, but what does it really mean to be alive?

Repeating a day after another according to a routine is not the answer. Not even when the activities change, there could still be something missing. Writing it down, being organized and having a schedule might make it easier, but you go to bed left with a feeling of emptiness, a silent restlessness. Did I live today, did I feel one with the universe?

We sat down, drank way too many cups of tea and talked about life and love, trying to solve the mystery of existence. 

We stayed up all night talking when we were really tired but did not want to break the magic, waste the moment.

We finished a day of hard work, looked up and were greeted by a billion lights. 

I let it in, I let the feelings fill me up and I smiled, pure and lost for words.

That's when I've lived. I've lived in many other moments, too, but of the 21 years I've existed I'm afraid I haven't lived quite as many. All I can do is to remind myself to live at least one, tiny moment every single day. Because if I live every day, I must be alive, right?

Momentos pequeños

Cada vez que empiezo a escribir algo aquí, pienso un momento en la posibilidad de elegir otra lengua para el texto. Normalmente gana el inglés, pero esta vez, para variar, no. También porque, primero, pasó algo hace una media hora de que quiero escribir y segundo, he desarrollado un miedo tonto de escribir en español. No sé porque soy así; después de resolver el problema de hablar, de repente no me atrevo a escribir. De todos modos, ya es hora de que empiece a creer en mí misma, particularmente ahora que tengo un curso para que tengo que escribir cinco textos bastante largas.

Antes el problema fue mi actitud hacia los errores que hago hablando, y aunque he podido dejar de fijar mi atención en ellos cuando hablo, es diferente con textos escritos. Es como en mi texto el error sería más evidente, como revelaría mis debilidades, las que en conversación se puede olvidar o pasar en silencio. No sé, quizás son solo cuestiones de hábito y experiencia.

Entonces, la cosa que pasó. De hecho, no fue nada muy especial y para algunos quizás hasta sin importancia, pero tuve una conversación excelente con mi padre. Claro que normalmente hablamos de muchas cosas, de su vida y la mía, pero por una vez hablamos en serio. De su trabajo, de gestión de recursos humanos, de nuestras experiencias del liderato. Y no muchas veces he oído mi padre explicar tanto de un tema con todo detalle y un entusiasmo grande y evidente por lo que está pensando y contandome. De alguna manera me sentí orgullosa de él y me di cuenta de que somos muy similares. Compartimos experiencias, principios y intereses; creo que por sus palabras empecé a entender de donde vienen ciertas características de mi personalidad. Y por una vez, no fue solo un consejo de él a mí ni una explicación de mí a él; fue una conversación recíproca y por algún motivo, me derritió el corazón.

Together

It is funny how people can be connected. Connected by an event in the past, merely by a brief, shared moment that unites you in a look exchanged or an apology stuttered. Or by time spent together that has come to an end, binding you together in the memories. Or in an agreement never spoken, which unites you through distance, silence or time.

In secrets that can never be told, which are the hardest ones of all. Knowing too much, aware of the fact that ever saying it aloud would damage the other, willingly or not, can haunt you. Being caught between people's lives while they haven't got the faintest clue you are stuck in there, it tests your loyalty. To them, to the greater good, to yourself.

In an imaginary world that has yet to come true, in the stage of dreams and hopes. And even though it has never happened, and might never happen, you're tied together in a thought and you feel the connection already beginning to grow. 

It could be there for real, or it could be just a fantasy. It might unite you, it can drive you apart. After all it is only a hunch, a feeling of belonging in some strange level. But the thing is that once the connection has been made, it never goes away.

Under a sky full of stars...

... last night, after a long day of activities, being organized and in charge, surrounded by noise and laughter of the youngsters, I was feeling good. Tired, relieved, successful, small compared to the universe. I had my last camp maybe ever this weekend, and I have to say that this really is an end of an era. Six years and countless camps later, as many as seven only this year, I can honestly say that I've learned things I couldn't have anticipated when I started all this.

A camp is an organized, sweet chaos that consists of the total scale of emotions, operating with and for people, challenging yourself and being active and responsible twenty-four hours a day, up to nine days in a row. It doesn't even really matter who it is aimed at, though I've mostly done those for youngsters, it is always a very comprehensive experience. No matter how hard I try, I couldn't describe it exactly, or even if I could, you wouldn't understand, not if you haven't done it. Of course there are people who work on camps and might wonder what is so special about these ones, but I really believe that the orthodox camps have a special feature like no other. The religious aspect of the camps is the part  I have never really pondered in this blog, but I don't feel the need for it; it is personal, and that sort of  personal conversations people must earn.

This past camp year has been probably the most educating one, mainly because I have spent so much time in that environment. I already wrote some things after the last longer camp in July, but I feel like this part of my life with all its lessons is something I need to talk over to process and cherish everything I've gained. The reason for this year's significance is not only the high number of camps; it's also a stronger aspect of reflection in relation to my previous experience as a leader, as a part of a team and as a woman.

I find my flaws more easily, for example. Not in a self-loathing way of blaming myself for everything that went wrong, but I feel that I am more capable of admitting that alright, this is where I could have acted differently or that this speech I gave was not sufficiently informative or clear. I am more aware of what kinds of features I appreciate in people and what gets on my nerve, regarding others as well as myself. I've also learned how important it is to look deeper than the surface to understand people, and even though one might judge, make assumptions or doubt others merely based on actions or appearances, there is always, always something more. Something, that makes the person who they are for real, and often acknowledging that might be just what that person needs.

I am grateful for all the opportunities I've been given in this field and I will surely be able to exploit this whole experience in my future profession. I will hold dear all the memories of laughing hysterically after a few not-so-well-slept nights, improvising a play that keeps changing, sitting by the campfire gazing at the stars, immersing in conversations about everything and anything and going to sleep at night with a smile on my face for a job well done. And anywhere I go, I'll know that there could be someone whose life I've been a part of, which is a pretty nice feeling

When the night falls

The mind is a curious place. It can make you remember, or make you forget. Self-defense and self-destruction, separated by a fine line. In it we can live another life, be another person or just curl up under a warm blanket and stay still.

It can produce words, the keys to the histories so rarely told, however complicated or shameful. The bridge between the imaginary and the real, from the heart to the lips. The answers to the questions, hidden within. Words; the downfall, the salvation. The power, the companion.

The home of emotions, although they always seem to crush your heart instead. The place of reason, of logic, and the nest of memories. Of knowledge, which really is all I have.

And I wonder how I can look into my eyes and still wonder what she looks like.

Busy doing nothing

How nice it is to just chill at home, in the place where I grew up and spent the carefree summers of sunbathing, berry picking and swimming. Now it is just a week of that after all the work and studying, but it is enough. It is even warm, at least for us Finnish people!

On Saturday we saw a bunch of relatives, as we were celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday. It was really emotional to see her so fragile, but I am really happy how she managed the few hours of greeting the family and eating. It was a fun day, I got to wear my awesome dress I bought from Spain and I even performed there playing the piano. I am so proud of myself, I hadn't played for months and after two days of practicing (okay... more like two hours) I did really well. I heard there were teary eyes, even. And afterwards my mom's cousin came to give me a hug and thanked me for creating "a timeless moment", which was probably the nicest compliment I've ever got for playing music. 

Yesterday I helped my little sister pack her belongings, as she will be moving to Jyväskylä next weekend, it is really nice to have her there from now on! This morning I had to get up pretty early as I needed to be in front of the computer exactly at 9.00 am to sign up for this year's courses. So, a new year and definitely new adventures await!

Now I'll go pick up some berries, since I'm still here and it's summer and it's warm and I'm home. And that's pretty awesome.

Back to reality

It still feels so weird to be back home. Not that I was away for that long, but after Spain I spent the weekend at my sister's in the capital so being back in Jyväskylä is kind of strange, especially after such a different scenery I was in.

But anyway, my trip went great and I am so happy. I had been waiting for it for so long and it was more than I could have even hoped for or imagined. It was exciting, fun, memorable, educational and so much more; sometimes even scary, frustrating and exhausting, but I guess traveling always is, especially when you're doing it for a bit longer period of time at once. I got to use my Spanish skills, which I realized to be at a very good starting point for the exchange, which was sort of a relief. 

I could produce half a novel to write down everything we saw and did, but I think that I could just bring up something more significant, as I feel like the trip taught me a lot about myself and gave a much needed break from everything. Funny, how being physically far away also gives you distance from the emotional and mental issues you're dealing with.

I learned to walk a little bit slower, to think a bit more calmly. I took my backpack and went, without a plan, without hurry, without a need to accomplish something.

I let moments to fill me completely; I immersed myself in a beautiful view, in a good book, in a bite of delicious food. Most nights I went to sleep satisfied, knowing I had had a really good day filled with experiences. I could have taken a thousand pictures, but none of them could have captured the experiences I had.

I also learned that traveling requires boldness to say exactly what you want, what you feel like doing, and how you are feeling. It is extremely useful in everyday life as well, but when traveling, it somehow comes up in a more crucial way. And as traveling is a luxury to me, it is so important to make it a journey for me. Not to be selfish, but to appreciate yourself.

And to sum up everything else, I could make this list of words that wraps up the essence of my journey: walking, pavo real, parks, heat, views, exhaustion, wine, pinchos, reading, friends, erizo, freedom.

And when I was in the train coming back to Madrid from Aranjuez, there was this woman reading a book. She started dozing off while reading, leaning her head against the wall. At some stop she woke up, and adjusted her position so that I saw the title of her book, which was "No abras los ojos". I laughed so much.

I had moments of complete clarity when I honestly thought I could even live there someday, and I still think so. But still, when the plane started landing to Helsinki and I started to see the forests and the familiar views, I knew I was home, and nothing could ever beat that.

Vamos!

Sort of hard to believe it, but we're actually leaving tomorrow for Spain! I've packed my bag and prepared everything I could possibly think of and I couldn't be more excited. Though, it's still kind of weird, I don't quite grasp the whole thing yet. Having traveled so few times, I'm ridiculously excited about really basic things even, like planes. 

Looking outside of the window today and seeing a grey sky and the pouring rain I thanked myself for ever having the idea of traveling. Seriously, we've had three warm days this summer, I really need this escape under the sun.

I'm also a little nervous, because this trip sort of steps out of my comfort zone. Not really any plans besides the accommodation (which is kind of depending on whether people are who they say they are online), but I am so eager to face this challenge and see what comes out of it. Relaxation, fun, memories and a tan, I hope.

See you in two weeks! 

One-two-three-relax!

I can't believe it, I'm done. I'm finished with all the work for the summer, both the camps and the studies. After a few hours of furious writing, I finished my essay for a pedagogic course, I returned it and I'm officially on a vacation now. It feels so good.

Actually, it hasn't even really sank in, but still. All I need to do anymore is to return the books to the library and mentally prepare to travel. It's going to be exactly what I need, and we have both so deserved it.

Ah, the feeling of liberty is at its best when you know you've worked your ass off to reach it.

Humility

A challenge after another wears down even the strongest people. Each time I thought it's safe to catch a breath, another incident occurred, another mental earthquake that shook my world a little bit. And I had no choice but to hold on tight to the fragile pieces so they would last as one until it would be over, as I could not fall apart for the sake of those who needed me to be the leader, the strong one, to have the threads sorted out, tightly grasped in my hands.

The glass was so close to being full so many times that even the slightest jolt made it splash all over. My emotions went from zero to hundred in a blink of an eye and the pressure made me scream without a sound.

And when I thought that it's all over now, that this is the easy part, the world hit me with something so unexpected that I questioned everything; my memory, my experience, my intuition, my vision, my belief in people and maybe even in justice. Can one person's nightmare be another one's bliss? I am praying that it is true.

I bend, as I feel the weight that I've been carrying for a long while. I am starting to let it fall down but I am scared. I am numb for feeling so much in such a brief period of time. All I can say is that this week has been a learning experience like no other, and I genuinely hope it will make me stronger and wiser. 

In many ways I succeeded and of those moments I am proud. I found the voice of my morality, and it appeared in a moment I never would have imagined. Despite of everything, I held myself together so the entire community would stay intact. I did my best, but I know it wasn't always enough. There were moments with people who would have needed more support, more encouragement and more time, which I was not able to provide. 

In the speech I gave today I urged the youngsters to be humble towards the nature and towards life. The words did not come from me, but I feel like that is the most hauntingly beautiful lesson that I could take with me from this experience as the one to guide me forward.

Anticipation

Here we go, the last camp of the summer is starting tomorrow. I'm a little terrified, but excited. Terrified for no reason, though, as I know that the people working there are great and I've got it all planned. I had a nightmare about it last night where a bus drove over the camp kids, though, which was not really the nicest way to wake up. 

I'm so relieved that my exam went well on Monday, that's half of the summer's studies finished! And I so had had it with semantics, a few more pages and my head would have exploded. After the camp I'll just need to write a 10-page essay about expertise at a work organization and I'm free. Two weeks in Spain is the most perfect reward I could have picked for myself, besides, I hear that it's really hot in Madrid now. That will be a welcome change to the +15 degrees we've got here.

After the super busy beginning of the summer, I've actually managed to relax a bit as well, which has been great. I've been hanging out with friends; geocaching, picnics, movie nights and walks around the city during those two hot days we had. I've also been able to go to the gym, which I totally love. Really didn't think in January when I started going there that it would become such an important part of my everyday life, a part that I hugely miss when I am unable to go.

I'm really excited about the trip to Madrid and nearby cities, as it'll be different from any trip so far. I have no idea where we'll stay or really so much about what we'll do, but for once it sounds perfect. Time to relax, do whatever we feel like doing in the moment. Hopefully we'll have the chance to try Couchsurfing, it would be great to get to know some new people who could provide us with a couch to sleep on and maybe even a tour around their favorite places. After my best friend returns to Finland, I'm gonna keep going on my own, and I'm pretty sure which cities I'll visit. All in all, I'm thrilled about this chance to test my Spanish as I'm getting gorgeously tanned under the southern sun.

Okay, who am I kidding, I'll be red as a fire truck. But it'll turn brown at some point, hopefully by the time I'm back here.

Strange things

I've been re-watching the O.C. and although I love that show, there are so many things that I find completely odd and unnatural. I don't think it's a phenomenon strictly related to this series but evident in most TV-series, all the most normal everyday activities are either ignored or twisted. Why on earth are we expected to act normal about the weird stuff they do?

Let's take breakfast, for example. Usually they just eat a handful or two of dry cereal straight from the box and that's it. Everybody seems to take a cup of coffee (black, nobody apparently uses milk or sugar) and takes a sip and then leaves the cup. But that's not even the worst part, oh no, the worst part is when they've actually made the effort of setting up a really nice breakfast. Baked pancakes or muffins or whatever. What happens? Everyone gets to the kitchen, glances at the food, claims to be in a hurry or quickly develop a huge, dramatic twist of the events and the pancakes are left on the table. Why, people, why? Breakfast is the best part of the day.

I don't know how the visiting culture is in the U.S, but somehow to me it seems weird that everyone keeps stopping by at each other's places. Isn't it considered rude to show up unannounced? Besides, usually they don't even have anything important to say. Also, it seems to be normal to have no need for planning anything; you might as well drive to work and then back home and then remember you left something at the office and drive back and then come back home and then decide suddenly to make a road trip to the next city and then you come back pretty late at night and all of a sudden you have to pop in to see a friend to apologize for something you did. Seems logical.

Then, birthdays. Years go by, and the birthdays of the main characters aren't even mentioned. Instead, hugely ridiculous commercial festivals like the Valentine's Day gets an entire episode per fictional year. How fair is that?

Moreover, the weirdest thing just happened. A character finds another one dead, and how does he react? A inexplicable look on his face he tries his pulse, sighs deeply and sits down on the bench on which the old guy died sitting. No calls to 911, no rush, no panic. Just a sigh and a long stare at the ocean until the scene changes. What's up with these people?

I get it that TV-series aren't supposed to cover each minute of the characters' lives but still. At least finish your breakfast.

Liberty

The feeling of going to the grocery store, weighing apples and whatever, is something you really take for granted. After almost a month of camps and staying at my parents' place  where everything is ready but not in your control, it feels so good to do my own thing for a while.

Okay, for a week. But still.

Also, studying is a piece of cake after camps. I just read a 200-page book in a bit more than two days and made notes of it. Semantics might be more boring than it seemed, I'm just so thrilled to be doing something else for a change. 

Now I'll continue my evening doing something else that could often be taken for granted; going for a coffee with a friend. Looking forward to it!

Midsummer night's dream

Sipping a glass of red wine, the piano and the violin of Canon in D playing in my ears, looking outside to the brightest summer night, it's a good time for some reflection. Not sure where to begin, though. I thought I'd have time to think, time to take a step back and stop for a minute, but I've been completely occupied by organizing activities, brushing 6-year-olds' teeth and patching up little injuries. Half of my summer camps are over and I am a little frightened by how fast it happened. However, in the midst of socially chaotic and exhausting two weeks, I've still perhaps learned something.

There are certain things I feel that I completely own, I am my most comfortable self with. Then there are things, places, where I feel like I cannot fully exist as I am, not without choosing to leave something out. And the things I felt that were mine aren't anymore, and they don't belong. They don't belong to who I am when I adjust to be happy. It's a collision of contradictions, a harsh revelation of what matters the most, even though I might be too hesitant to admit it.

I think I'm strong, I'm content, I'm determined and then I just freeze. It's like a bucket full of ice water over my head, followed by a few hard slaps in the face. And I question everything, I doubt everything I have ever thought or promised to myself, and I feel powerless. Vulnerable. 

But then I gather the pieces I dropped and try to keep going. And I tell myself that it's okay to be lost and that I'll find the purpose of all this confusion someday soon. But I fear that I am putting my hope to the wrong things, that I might ruin them by expecting them to fix something I can't quite comprehend.

Once again, I feel different looking at the world. I started to realize that you can't just say that you follow a philosophy and expect to internalize its principals merely by making the decision. I guess I tried to skip to the better part, but I can't. Maybe a part of me scraped together so many activities for the summer dreading the time alone, who knows. Nevertheless, I am positive in spite of all the melancholy, as I know there are great things waiting for me as I stumble through the crammed summer of responsibilities. For once, though, I am trying to find the path of unknown, unplanned. The path I haven't followed before.

Alone but not lonely

As I've recently stated, I'm on a self-discovery mission this summer and although it might sound silly and pretentious, I am actually serious about it. I just had a great conversation with a friend about girls' self respect when it comes to men, and it made me think about something closely related to both of these topics, as well as my life for the past two years or so. Independence, what is it really? I claim to be independent, but how does it show? Or am I fooling myself?

The inspiration for this post goes beyond the obvious freedom and practical benefits of independence as in living on your own and finding your own path when it comes to education and career. This is about healthy selfishness, knowing your worth and not letting anyone else dictate your happiness. Although I might be doing really well in the easy kind of independence, I sometimes struggle with it in the deeper sense.

To me being independent and needing to rely on other people's help every once in a while don't rule each other out. It is strength to be able to admit one's own flaws and to ask for help when needed. Asking for an opinion isn't giving up on your own choice either, as long as you're not looking for a direct solution to your dilemma. The thing with asking for an opinion, you know, is that it is just an opinion that you'll get. Nevertheless, I am not ashamed to admit that I need other people a lot. I think it might have to do with my tendency to try to do what's best for everyone, I want to find out how my choices and decisions would affect people. Moreover, I often feel like I need that extra push to actually operate when I'm already pondering about something in my head, a little nudge saying it's okay to do your thing. And I don't think it makes me any less independent.

At the moment I feel like I only have strength to be independent on my own. What I believe is the key to existing in a relationship as equals is that both the people in it are independent on their own first and then share their lives together, but not letting go of themselves as individuals. Every time I've ever had a relationship or even an attempt to that direction, I've immersed myself in it so much that it's become a bubble in my head, a world that only exists with that person but also makes everything else disappear. And the problem with everything else fading into the background is that I've later realized that I also faded. And it is just not okay to define yourself through someone else or their actions.

Before I'll want someone purely for the person they are, I won't succeed. If even a part of me is willing to settle for a bit of affection or infatuates with attention blind from reality, I'm in the wrong. If I'd be willing to sell my independence for a moment of heat, to follow like a sheep, to abandon myself for someone else, I wouldn't be much of a woman, would I?

"Later" reached me

When things pile up, all you want to do is avoid them as long as you can. I usually make a list or mark the things in my phone's calendar and then postpone them several times. Now, after days of dodging the responsibilities, I took a deep breath and did everything I was supposed to. It's fine if the tasks are urgent, then you really do them immediately, but applying for student allowance for the summertime, for example, is something I wasn't eager to do.

Okay, I cheated a bit, I postponed one more task, but only because it's almost too late to make that phone call today. Almost. So, tomorrow it is.

I really do not know why I do this, as I know how annoying it is to have the list burning in your pocket, screaming for the tasks to be done and crossed off the list. However, the feeling of empty confusion after finishing it all is great. Now I think I'll spend the rest of the evening relaxing by exhausting myself at the gym first and maybe watching a movie afterwards. Ah, vacation!

Quest for peace of mind

When I was younger, I used to picture my life ahead, seeing these pretty images dominated by clarity and simplicity. Like a glittery sticker, a fairytale where nothing was too complicated.

I've built a solid foundation for my character, the Maisa everyone knows. Hard-working, reliable, diligent, helpful, responsible, punctual, in control. I highly value those things and I've concentrated on perfecting them so much that I have, perhaps unconsciously, begun to lose the choice. I always say yes, I always agree, I always step up so others don't need to. I like it, but I have lost the moment of deciding, as the answer comes so easily, of course I will.

I don't think I can do it anymore, not like this. I think I'm reaching a breakthrough in figuring out some very basic issues of my personality and my life, finally starting to piece together dreams that aren't for once based on expectation or habituation.

Now the car packed with my life is just ahead of me, and I am holding on to the back bumper. I'm holding on tight, and I know I won't fall just yet. After the next hill I might be able to reach out my other arm and get a better grip.

Then again, I said that after the last hill. And the one before that. 

I'm always working among people, getting to know them and helping others to get to know each other. But now, I think it's time for me to get to know myself. To re-evaluate, to explore what I want, what I need and what I hope for.

For the past year and a half I've been trying to find myself by finding someone else. Now I see that the person I should have been and should be looking for is actually me, and somehow I am a little relieved. 

La conclusión y el comienzo

Tendría que escuchar la voz interna más a menudo. Ahora que empiezo a pensar, me doy cuenta de que cada vez he sabido exactamente lo que quiero, pero he tenido demasiado miedo de admitirlo. A veces ha estado tan vacío mi corazón, a veces tan lleno, que no me he atrevido decir lo que necesito decir, hacer lo más correcto para mí. He pasado horas y horas luchando conmigo misma sobre la indecisión que me paraliza.

La guerra entre lo que es bueno para mí y lo que es bueno para los demás siempre me distrae de la verdad. ¿Pero si no me desestabilizara la contradicción, sería sólo una criatura fría e indiferente? No sé si podría ser yo misma si no me molestara el egoísmo.

La distancia ayuda, es más fácil pensar con claridad. Un momento en que estás contento con sólo tú mismo, nadie más, para recordar que estás viviendo esta vida para ti.

Hay ciertas cosas que sé con certeza. Conozco la sensación que te grita, fuerte y alto, que estás segura que esto es correcto, sabes sin ninguna duda que eso es lo que quieres y necesitas. Lo tengo por mis planes, mis sueños, por quien soy. Y quiero más, mucho más.

Tranquility

Somehow I'm still trying to get to that point of realization that I'm really on vacation. It's always been a huge deal, everyone's made a big fuss about the beginning of the summer vacation but this year it just sort of happened without noticing. And it's a long vacation, I won't have to get back to the normal routines until the beginning of September. However, I won't have much time to slack this summer, as I'll be running from camp to camp and trying to do some studying in between as well. It's all sort of absurd, it's like I have all the time in the world to relax and do nice stuff but still I'll be busy as ever.

I also feel a bit empty. I feel like I have reached the end of an era by finishing the freshmen year, so much has happened. Things started, things ended. People came, people left. I found my place, but I'm constantly learning and I am both excited and a little afraid to see what the future holds. I've got a clean slate now, once again.

Walking along the almost too familiar road at home in the countryside yesterday I felt different. I felt that, for the first time, I'm just passing by. I'm not tied here anymore the way I've been so far, I'm not going to be stuck here all summer. I have things to do, places to go, I have the world to explore. The realization made me appreciate it all a lot more; my childhood, my upbringing in the countryside in a steady environment and among a loving family. Moreover, I felt calm. Yes, I have tons of exciting, new things to try but I am not in a hurry. I have a busy summer ahead, but for now I can just lift my face up to the sunshine, close my eyes, listen to the distant cuckoo of the birds and smile. I am home.

Sense

When I care, I care too much.

I look at you and I see more than skin and flesh.

I listen to you and I hear your words touching me from the inside.

The emotion you unleash crashes into me and I drown in it for a while until I remember how to catch a breath.

When I do not care, it kills me to see you do.

It goes through me, cutting with an edge a bit too sharp around the place my heart was supposed to be.

A shadow of guilt, and then it's empty.

Then there are times when I am calm. Calm like I know that I'll get there.

I look up and I see the sky, and I feel like I am hungry for more. Hungry for more life.

Towards new adventures

That's it, the freshman year of university is now over. Yesterday I had my last exam, all the final assignments are done and it's time to start looking forward to the summer. My summer will be full of camps once again, and at the end of summer I'll get to travel to Spain. Lots of things to do and new adventures to take on! However, before I lock the year in a box labelled the past, I might as well do some reflecting on the things this freshman year has taught me. 

I've been privileged to meet and get to know so many wonderful people, which is what has made this year so incredible. In fact, I think that all the most important life lessons I've learned could be summarized by saying that even though I am a university student leading an academic life, the people you meet will teach you more than any book ever will. I have learned about friendship, empathy, listening, trust, passion and so many other things that I feel like I am a completely different person than I was in September.

I don't have it all figured out, though. Somehow I feel like the more time goes by and the more things happen, the more confused I get by all the dimensions I never knew I would have to deal with. But I have done my best to deal with things, which is also one of the most important lessons learned. Never push aside something that has the power to affect you deeply, whether it is good or bad, you have to go through it, deal with it, and remember to keep that tiara up high along the way.

Moreover, the year has taught me about capability. I can do things, I can decide on a new path, I can make a change if I want to, I can move to the other side of the world, I really can. I have the power to choose between existing and living, taking a chance or staying with the comfortable. This year I've tried my best to break all kinds of previous patterns of not believing that things are possible or that I am capable of doing something. And I'll keep on believing in myself in the future adventures as well.

Combat

A rock might not shine all the time, but it is strong. It can take a hit or two, it can survive through fire and ice.
So can a diamond, but the shiny allure of it can blind you. It can make you greedy, restless for more. Satisfied for now but never completely, as all you can see is the shine reflected in your eyes.

Can they be one or does one always have to choose, I wonder. To hold on tight to the rock that will last no matter what, might glimmer when the sun shines, it would be enough. Still, I might be content with the blindness, as it would be the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

I cannot settle for less than both, but I have yet to find one such a thing. Or then I have yet to see that I am mistaken and I cannot reach for something that does not exist. But how could I have been fooled in such a bittersweet way?

Time for a break

Somehow it feels like the past three days have totally done me in.

I started to write down how they've been but even that made me exhausted. So I guess it's best to just say that I am really glad that the May Day celebrations start tomorrow for real, and I won't have to think about anything for a few days. I will leave all the responsibilities and worries home and just have fun, spend time with friends and have a drink or two. Okay, who am I kidding, a bottle or two. But it's fine, 'cause it's vappu! I've earned some slacking and recklessness.

Little big things

Following the rehabilitation instructions for my sprained ankle today, twisting and turning it very unpleasantly, I started wondering about all the things in life we take for granted. Health, for example, is most appreciated when it is temporarily or permanently threatened or damaged. Such a tiny thing as an ankle can affect your functions in more ways than you'd think but you don't see it before those functions are not possible anymore.

I wonder how many proud moments I would have more if I had accepted every complement sincerely given but thrown away by ridiculous underestimations and disbelieves. I wonder how many connections I have lost for fear of not looking into someone's eyes, allowing them to see inside while accepting the piece of soul they were offering. I wonder how many flowers have bloomed right next to me that I didn't have time to see, how many stars have fallen when I did not care to look.

Every feeling could be so much more if we really took a moment to immerse ourselves in them, letting them fill us completely. Emotions are one of the greatest gifts we are given; they make everything meaningful. We should celebrate them in good and bad, let them take control, bathe in the pool until our skin gets wrinkled and it's time for something else.  Smiling from pure happiness even when nobody's watching, giving room for desire that in all its selfishness reveals your most sensitive, selfless intentions.

I do not want to take things for granted. I want the people in my life to know that even when I am not capable of saying it aloud, they mean the world to me, they are my world.