Space

Maybe I am a newborn. I look at this world through young eyes; wondering, absorbing, learning, trying. I think The Moon and the Sun were here, shining, before I came; they saw, they experienced, they burned. My soul hasn't been to many places like theirs have, they say, their stars have lit up and faded away many times before mine even flickered for the first time.

And I asked the Moon if the stars say goodbye when they are tired of shining, she told me no. A star lives within the comforting blanket of the night sky; dancing to its own melody, sailing along the Milky Way, staying a while in a constellation to write down the story of existence. But after a while, a star must rest to be strong for another fall, and when it falls it will be beautiful as ever.

And I asked the Sun if a star is alone, she told me no. A star can find another to dance with, to help it shine brighter, to write down a shared verse in the sky. They might pass one another while reaching for different places, meet at a crossroads choosing different paths. But when they meet again, my dear, they will rejoice, as they have been dancing to the same rhythm all along.

And I asked myself if I will remember the song, if I will recognize the landmark along the river, if I will love the story in the skies after I've awoken from my rest; I could not tell. 
 
Whether a star only falls once or time after time, I cannot say. Whether I believe in goodbyes, I am not sure. All I know is that, for now, my journey is all I have. And I do believe that the star is out there, the one that will dance with me until the song ends. 

Exhilaration

I am sort of freaking out right now. I just sent my exchange application, it is now final, oh my god, this just got real. I might actually be going to the other side of the world in a year. It's so insane! Even more so, as I would leave when it's winter here and arrive to the destination where it is actually summer, which is also sort of messed up and I cannot really wrap my head around it.

I have no idea why I am having this reaction to a few simple clicks in an online service. Maybe it's exactly because it is that easy; only a few clicks can determine the biggest change of my life ever. I am probably overthinking and exaggerating this way too much but I don't care, 'cause I'm actually feeling like I'm about to explode due to the amount of 'what did I just do's going on in my head. Positive ones, this time.

Now all I can do is wait until May to find out whether I'm actually going or not. Fingers crossed, everyone! I really don't know if I've ever wanted anything this much other than to get in to this university. 

Consciously slacking

Do you ever have one of those days when you realize you have three options: to do what you should do, to do what you really want to do or to just give in and do what you most likely will end up doing anyway? Then, a shameful number of hours later you realize that option number three happened, 'cause of course it did, 'cause someone was smart enough to create an online service where you don't even have to lift a finger to start a new episode of the series but the website will just keep on going until you finally manage to press pause after several failed attempts of reasoning with yourself.

I could have done some work for the camps, studied, continued my exchange application, taken a walk or basically anything else, as it would have been more productive. But the thing is, that life isn't always about doing what you're supposed to. This is a terrible example of that, but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow, and this time I just shut off my brain and stared at the screen for way too long. I love it when I don't have to think at all, it's like a mini-vacation from my life and my own head.

Not that things are bad in them, I just needed to be selfish and take a break only for myself. Not thinking about what I am expected to produce or take care of, not caring about whether I am just postponing the inevitable or making a smart choice of organizing my schedule. Besides, I will do everything I am supposed to because that's just who I am. I will finish each task in time and with honorable success, since I am not one for slacking with things that really matter to me.

And I am relaxed now, really. It just stings to hear the tiny voice at the back of your head reminding you that it's all just a facade to avoid option one and suppress option two. 

Normality

I feel like I haven't written anything normal in a long time. Seems like I've had a weird period of creativity and other issues. We'll, change is always good so I might as well just write down something very generic now.

Spring is coming, which I am really excited about. The first time you get to put on your sneakers instead of warm winter boots is something I cannot even describe, it's like you survived once again the long, frustrating period of slippery grounds and frozen toes. I feel like I'm filled with energy to do stuff and I'm succeeding in what I do, studying-wise and in other areas as well. It feels crazy that there's only two months left of my first year here, where has the time gone? Tomorrow is the start of the last period of the year, and thanks to the horrifying workload I pushed through in the fall, I have Tuesdays and Friday's off. I'll have time to work out, read, hang out with friends, and whatever I come up with, 'cause the days are only getting longer, my mood is only getting better and we are only young once.

Veganism is still going well, I haven't lapsed not once and I'm still feeling good. I've also been to the gym quite a lot, so maybe this year is actually the year I can plausibly say I'm training for the bikini season. By the way, I had a realization that I have understood something really wrong, as I counted that the fast is actually longer than 40 days. I've been fooled. Or then I just didn't do my research well enough. (Now I had to check, and I had misunderstood the day when you're supposed to start... seems like I took a 1,5 weeks' head start.. oops.)

I've been writing my exchange application for Peru, and I believe I'll manage to finish it next week. Then all there's left to do is to wait until the beginning of May to find out whether my world is going to turn around next spring. Almost literally, as I'd be going to the other side of the world. It is so exciting to search all the courses I could take, I'm now quite set on Peruvian poetry and that kind of stuff. I doubt I'll understand any more of poetry than I do here, but who cares. Everyone will be amazed by how well I speak Spanish, maybe they won't notice that I have actually no idea what the hell I'm talking about. Fingers crossed.

LXIX

Tal vez no ser es ser sin que tú seas,

sin que vayas cortando el mediodía

como una flor azul, sin que camines

más tarde por la niebla y los ladrillos,

sin esa luz que llevas en la mano

que tal vez otros no verán dorada,

que tal vez nadie supo que crecía

como el origen rojo de la rosa,

sin que seas, en fin, sin que vinieras

brusca, incitante, a conocer mi vida,

ráfaga de rosal, trigo del viento,

y desde entonces soy porque tú eres,

y desde entonces eres, soy y somos,

y por amor seré, serás, seremos.

-Pablo Neruda

Pieces

Confusion, exhaustion. Why do I keep gathering these activities that are pleasing to do but very quickly consume me? 

Once again, it feels like the mental pause I get from going home is turning against me, I feel like I should be back in my own place taking care of all the responsibilities I've taken on. Maybe I should just adjust my brain to see the reasons why I took them on in the first place to fight the urge to give in to the part of me that says being reckless is worth it.

It is, though, I feel so alive when I do what I truly, deeply want. Just for me. Instinctively, passionately, peacefully, furiously.

But then again, I cannot look at myself in the mirror if I don't have all the threads together. I cannot quit now, I built this too well to make it come crashing down. And no matter how hard I try, I will always find a way to get them back.

I know there's nothing I can do now, all the responsibilities and matters that require organizing will take place when they are supposed to. But how do I let go of the feeling of being in charge so that I can rest? Rest from being the responsible one, the one who always knows what to do, the one who has it all together.

I want to close my eyes and let the river take me wherever, I don't want to even care about the destination. I just want to be, trust the universe and feel.

Memory

She didn't want to meet her gaze, she only knew so well that her facade was crumbling. It was, indeed, falling down, fading into non-existence, revealing the girl who was just barely holding back tears. For no reason, whatsoever, she thought. Why should it, when nothing really was breaking it from the outside? Inside, however, was a place too messy for her to dare to examine, she flinched from the possibility of finding out more than she wanted to know.

But while she tried to hold on, to thicken her skin so that nothing would pierce her carefully guarded distance, she was secretly craving to be heard, yearning for a hand to hold to ease the pain of being lost withing one's own depths. And as she looked away, she embraced the compassion that was offered out of pure kindness, took a shivery breath. Letting it out, she also let go of the fear; let it pour down her cheeks, pulling out the needle in her heart, allowing her ever so hopeful fantasy to fade into the black-and-white reality. Disappointment can hurt in ways unimaginable to those who never dared to hope, and she stared blankly into the emptiness of the grey sky.

Rough voice said it out loud, and her words were taken in by eyes so empathetic she nearly smiled out of gratitude. Asking the questions she had not wanted to ask herself, she had stirred an ocean that now splashed over the shoreline. Then the water returned, and she felt calmer than in a while.

Seeing the stars instead of the darkness

As it seems I'm in a good mood and have been for these past few days, I thought I'd point out something that's been on my mind quite often recently. Don't know if it is due to the post-workout endorphins or just because I have had a relaxing day having too much fun with phonetics (considering I was actually trying to prepare for an exam), getting some fresh air and eating the best meal during my vegan experiment (tofu burgers and sweet potato fries), after which I watched the most romantic movie I could find on my laptop, I am feeling very optimistic.

Anyway, after that massive sentence summarizing my day, I might as well get to the point (¡circunloquio! ¡circunloquio! my spanish teacher taught me well.. though I highly doubt this was what she meant...). For the first time ever, I get the feeling every now and then that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Inviting friends over for dinner or tea, going out on Friday night to do some crazy dancing or just for a walk, having intellectual conversations about life or not-so-intellectual conversations about love; it all makes me so happy to be young and alive. And a little reckless, too, sometimes.

This is where I belong, this is the life in which I belong. Making my own decisions, tripping over my own feet from time to time, making memories, trying new things, making mistakes, learning, laughing, creating something new. Ah, my soul is singing right now!