Time for a break

Somehow it feels like the past three days have totally done me in.

I started to write down how they've been but even that made me exhausted. So I guess it's best to just say that I am really glad that the May Day celebrations start tomorrow for real, and I won't have to think about anything for a few days. I will leave all the responsibilities and worries home and just have fun, spend time with friends and have a drink or two. Okay, who am I kidding, a bottle or two. But it's fine, 'cause it's vappu! I've earned some slacking and recklessness.

Little big things

Following the rehabilitation instructions for my sprained ankle today, twisting and turning it very unpleasantly, I started wondering about all the things in life we take for granted. Health, for example, is most appreciated when it is temporarily or permanently threatened or damaged. Such a tiny thing as an ankle can affect your functions in more ways than you'd think but you don't see it before those functions are not possible anymore.

I wonder how many proud moments I would have more if I had accepted every complement sincerely given but thrown away by ridiculous underestimations and disbelieves. I wonder how many connections I have lost for fear of not looking into someone's eyes, allowing them to see inside while accepting the piece of soul they were offering. I wonder how many flowers have bloomed right next to me that I didn't have time to see, how many stars have fallen when I did not care to look.

Every feeling could be so much more if we really took a moment to immerse ourselves in them, letting them fill us completely. Emotions are one of the greatest gifts we are given; they make everything meaningful. We should celebrate them in good and bad, let them take control, bathe in the pool until our skin gets wrinkled and it's time for something else.  Smiling from pure happiness even when nobody's watching, giving room for desire that in all its selfishness reveals your most sensitive, selfless intentions.

I do not want to take things for granted. I want the people in my life to know that even when I am not capable of saying it aloud, they mean the world to me, they are my world.

Traveling fever doubled

How lucky can I be to be given an amazing opportunity of traveling to the other side of the world and then manage to multiply the excitement and anticipation by making a long-time dream come true? Yep, I bought my flight tickets to Spain yesterday, and I am beyond excited. For most people it wouldn't be that big of a deal, traveling in Europe is really normal in general. For me, though, it is huge, as I have never been able to travel constantly everywhere I want. I've had to really work for the opportunities. 

My friend and I will have an amazing adventure. Just the two of us, with occasional local company of course, seeing whatever we want, doing whatever we want, living one moment at a time. In perfect weather, warmth and sunshine. Ah, I am so looking forward to the trip! The best part is that we can do it exactly as we please, not some fancy uptight tourist trip but something so much more real. Sure, we'll go do tourist stuff as well but what I'm really hoping to see is something authentic, a peak into the lives of the locals just as they are. And I get to do that with my best friend, while speaking Spanish, which makes it all totally amazing.

And then, after our adventurous week together, she will go back and I'll have another week to do just as I please. 15 days in Spain will be the cherry on top of an incredible freshman year, which will be followed by an even more amazing one, I hope. 

I always knew my life would start when I started living it independently, but I never knew how alive I would feel living it.

Traveling fever

I spent most of today listening to a departure orientation about the practical issues related to going on an exchange and I have to say it was an intense package of information. My head is bursting with things to remember and after only four hours of sleep last night, I am really having trouble with wrapping my head around it all.

Most of all the fact that I'll travel to the other side of the world for five months, like seriously, what the hell. It is both absolutely amazing and terrifying, which is exactly why I have to do it.

Today made me think a lot about how much there is that I have to find out. Cultural differences are not just a tiny detail I can claim to tolerate, it can be a huge deal, at least in the beginning. Everything will be different, things will function differently and people will have different ways of living. I am wondering about weird stuff, for example the phone numbers in Peru. They are totally different, right? Also, using money will probably mess with my head for a while. The weather, definitely, I guess it might get a little hot for a Finnish person out there. Living in the summer when it actually is winter is also going to be a nice addition.

I have to get a visa, a credit card, really creepy-sounding vaccinations for some strange tropical diseases that sound so scary that I am more than willing to get vaccinated. I am really excited about getting the plane tickets, I know I will experience a moment of hysteria / horror when clicking the button "book".

I wonder how soon or whether I will get an overdose of Spanish. I can hardly imagine such a situation, but I've noticed that when I am even a bit tired, Spanish gets harder for me to understand as it takes a lot of energy to be so alert and concentrate all the time. That's a thing they mentioned, though, we should expect to be tired due to the surrounding foreign language. It'll be interesting, though, and very educational.

I really can't wait for next spring but on the other hand, I'm also happy that I still have a year to freak out about all of this.

Good news

Today began as a very normal Monday morning, a little lazy to get up after a few free days. After the week I had last week, I was happy to get started with a new one so I got up feeling good, though a little annoyed by the election results.

Everything was normal for about half an hour. Then the roller coaster took off, as I checked my email and I couldn't believe my eyes. I had wondered what my reaction to that email would be like and I had not expected the immediate disbelief or the utter freezing that happened. Then the shaking started, a scream escaped my mouth (luckily it was already past nine) and tears started to pour down my cheeks. A wild joy rushed through me as the news really sank in.

So, I got accepted to exchange for next spring to Lima, Peru. Now that I've had the entire day to freak out about it, I can calmly present the news here, though I am screaming of joy inside every time I think about it. A year from now I will be at the other side of the world, surrounded by completely different people, a different culture, a different language. And tons of different, new experiences I cannot wait to gain.

Even though I knew my chances were pretty good, it still shocks me to hear that I actually got accepted. Well, I still have to apply separately to the university there but I hear it is really rare for them to deny a place that has already been granted here. In March I will say goodbye for a while to my life here and write a new, exciting chapter of my life. I will miss everyone insanely, but I know it will be worth it.

Funny, how things work out. Just last night I told my friend that apart from one area of life, I have it all. I am exactly where I feel I belong, I am young, alive, healthy, surrounded by wonderful people. I have a loving family and incredible friends and a meaning in my life. I am doing what I love, learning about who I am and making memories every step of the way. I've got it all and I'm happy, and that's when I got even more.

Español, español

Well, it seems like my previous post about my Spanish problem was something I have made up in my head. Last night we had a party with lots of Spanish-speaking people and it was the language we mainly spoke all night and I really enjoyed it.

Maybe the few sips of alcohol helped me to let go of all the perfectionist requirements for myself, since I just talked. A lot. Without any trouble, I just had conversations with people about everything, and it was amazing. I was surprised to notice that I'm actually pretty good, and even though people have said it before, this was the first time I could see it, too. I felt like my hard work and investment in studying the language this spring have indeed been extremely effective.

I am so happy about how well I can manage with the language and even though I know there are things I need to work on, I am really satisfied with myself. And really grateful that I have been included in a group that provides me excellent opportunities to polish my language skills while having fun.
 
Next week my friend and I will book plane tickets to Spain for August, I can't wait to dive into the culture and to speak more Spanish!

What did I do, karma?

Seriously, like it wasn't humiliating enough to have to give in to my pride and stubborn it'll be better overnight attitude and to go to the pharmacy to get something to support my ankle after a little incident (not proud to admit, but high heels and a toga plus a relatively long walk to the student village in the middle of the night did not equal as graceful gait as I'd hoped...), the universe had to go like nope, she hasn't learned her lesson yet.

I started to lock my bike next to a group of other bikes on a street crowded with people when it happened. The thing I am always dreading when parking my bike. The domino effect. 

I couldn't do anything to stop it, and after a few seconds (that felt like minutes) there were about eight bikes on the ground, a screaming red blush on my face (at least it felt like it) and a young man commenting how smoothly they all fell down. At least he was enough of a gentleman to help me lift them up. 

Feeling a bit laughed at by the universe, I marched to the pharmacy and bought the fancier kind of ankle-thingy as I thought I can't really afford to be picky about the price. I even got the membership card, just in case I'll make a habit of spending my Friday afternoons visiting pharmacies from now on.

Just when I started to crawl back to my place (after unlocking my bike extremely carefully) and thought that now I'll just spend the rest of the evening doing something that won't cause anyone any harm, I almost got hit by a car.

Seriously, what is up with this?

Maybe this isn't even that big of a deal, but since I am tired it feels like I'm defeated. I'm going to start cooking now, we'll see if I end up accidentally steaming something else than the broccoli. Wouldn't surprise me, though.

Self-analysing

I think I just figured it out, my problem with Spanish, I mean. I have two identities as a Spanish speaker: the one for when I am among other learners and the one for when I am among natives. I feel completely different when in these situations, and I think here's the reason why.

As a side effect of growing up as a really good girl, I've always been very diligent and worked extremely hard to succeed in everything. That's partly why, in especially languages, I've always been among the best students, which has given me tons of confidence. I acknowledge my superiority to some other learners and it gives me a boost to rely on my skills, knowing that I won't be judged by my mistakes as everyone else struggles with the same ones. This applies to all languages and basically everything I'm good at, and now I see that it is a very shallow foundation for self-confidence. And even now, in the university, I have no trouble at all to use either English or Spanish in a class with Finnish people because I know I am good enough, good compared to so many.  

But now, I've recently encountered situations where there are native speakers of Spanish present, as well as Finnish people who speak it completely fluently, at least judged by my sense of fluency. In these situations I have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually one of the worst ones, a realization I have never, ever before had to deal with when it comes to languages. And it messes with my head so much. I know it is ridiculous, as my skills don't get any worse, they are still pretty good, in fact. However, I can't help but compare myself to others, and it knocks my self-confidence down really hard. I become shy, I prefer staying silent and listening, settling to be a wallflower when in reality I am everything but. 

Why do I have to do this? It would be so much more educative, fun, relaxing and so many other things if I could just trust my skills, not just the position of my skills in the group. I guess I have unconsciously developed a fixation on being the best and I hate that about myself right now.

There are exceptions, though. However, the exceptions are all situations where I am clearly taking the role of a learner, not an equal language user. I need to emphasize the fact of my skills being flawed to accept it myself, and that's the only time I can more or less comfortably use the language as the "worst" party of the conversation or the group. I make it clear that I am not as good as the rest, to have my mistakes understood, to have my language level taken into account when making conclusions about me as a person. It is like I am apologizing for existing as I am, just because I am inferior in some areas. Why, why? I can completely see how pathetic this all sounds. Not only sounds but also how ridiculous it is.

How do I fix myself? I don't know if I could start a process of consciously redefining the concept of fluency or set my bar lower when it comes to defining what are good skills. I'd really like to find ways to build a more stable foundation of confidence with Spanish, one that is not dependent on others. I'm the only one who should matter in this issue.  

Damn, this whole thing frustrates me so much.

Thought of the day

Today's been a good day. Well, I wasn't particularly keen on waking up early for the 8 am lecture, but still. It is sunny and relatively warm, perfect weather for wearing a leather jacket. I went for a jog with my friend, which was really good, as it left me feeling very relaxed. And proud, for being able to actually run without dying after the first minute. And tonight I'll go get some ice cream, for the first time this spring!

I am feeling somehow tired and weird, but on the other hand, full of energy and very active. A funny combination, really. On top of that, my ass hurts for doing too many squats yesterday at the gym. 

Why did I just tell you that? This is getting weird. I'd better stop before it gets worse.

Blank

I wish I could write it down. But how can I, when I don't know what it is.

Plan, expectation, picture, reality, dream, rule. Contradicting one another again and again, winning and losing in turns only to start another fight.

Too afraid to flip the coin, since neither side is a combination of want and need.

Everything is buzzing and everything is silent, nothing is moving and nothing stays still. 

Turning the page

Seven weeks of discipline. Seven weeks of challenging myself, of fighting the urge to lapse, of trying something different. Veganism will be over in a few hours, and I am anxious to taste something that for a long time has been forbidden. We always want the things we cannot have, right? Applies to food as well.

I'm not going to go crazy with this new freedom, I'll take it little by little. Nevertheless, when I went to the supermarket today and soon noticed I had picked up minced meat, salmon, cottage cheese, mozzarella cheese, halloumi cheese and milk, I just shrugged and thought that I've really earned them. Besides, I am sure this experiment will have a lasting impact on my eating habits and preferences at least in some form, so I am not worried that I'd throw all the hard work away overnight.

It's weird to think how fast seven weeks have passed. Seven weeks of my life is a tiny flash, but still it feels like forever. Although this has been a ridiculously simple example, it has been a part of something bigger, something I cannot really describe. A change in my inner world, I guess.

Every ending is the start of something new, and I really hope my endings will result in good beginnings.