Last minute thoughts

Yesterday was weird. Probably just because I sort of forgot to eat and drink and in that mixture of sleep deprivation and hangover I wrote the crappiest essay of my entire life. Seriously, when your brain does.not.work do not try to produce anything that will be graded. I'm just saying. Usually I am a master of coming up with competent-sounding bullshit but this time it was only a load of crap, no competence included.

Oh, well. I can't always do everything right. It would be boring then. However, Thursday evening and night was probably the best one in a very long time, since we sang, ate something else than kinkkukiusaus at sitsit and bonded with some of our classmates. All the signs for a good year are in the air.

Also, a lot of dirt is in the air. Figuratively, as the dirt is actually on my floor. Somehow, knowing I'll move out soon has made me completely ignore a tiny little activity called cleaning. Now it's sort of too late as my room is filled with boxes and bags and I have just formed these little routes to get around in here. It got interesting when I turned off the lights last night and I had to try to find my bed without hitting anything. Succeeded, by the way.

 

 

Vacation activities

Somehow I am experiencing a very similar feeling at the moment as already twice before this year. I am packing my stuff into boxes and bags once again to change my address. When I moved here, to this apartment, I guessed it wouldn't be for long but somehow I am amazed by the fact that I am doing this again already now. It is not the same, though; this time I don't change my environment completely, the distance to the new place is only under three kilometers instead of hundreds of them and I don't feel the same enthusiasm of starting over.

I am, though. Starting over. A new beginning with all its possibilities, as a new year begins in a new home, with new roommates and a new mindset.

It is easier to pack now, however. Not anymore is it an emotional process of changing the direction, it is just stuffing things into boxes for a practical reason. I also have a better conception of what I own and how I should pack it, which means I do it a lot faster. Besides, I have so much to think about, other than moving, that it is just a rather annoying, yet sort of pleasing activity that must be done. It will be interesting to see how it feels to leave this mess of boxes behind for a couple of weeks and to return to what is basically an empty apartment. Relieved, hopeful, excited, determined; I hope.

Although my Christmas break began yesterday, I don't really feel the relief yet. I still have a paper to write, a portfolio to compile and two books to read, which basically means that my vacation is only a break from going to the university every day, not so much a break from work. However, tonight I will not worry about anything, not about packing, not about studying, not about the things that have bothered me for weeks, I am going to relax in a good company. Sitsit, here I come. Seven deadly sins, wrath, kickboxing outfit. Do I need to say more? 

Untitled

Don't wake me up, I can't get back to the dream

What if reality is not better yet

I only know what I want, not what I need

 

What if I want something I don't need and I need something I don't want

How do I enjoy something if it will end anyway

I did everything right, did I

Will I?

 

Too much on my plate but I am still hungry

I'm almost there. I've almost overcome the stress load for this term, only the finish line needs to be crossed. The best view comes after the hardest climb, and for me that view is driving to the safe haven of home for a much deserved Christmas vacation. I am under so much pressure now; however, I am myself the one who set it over me.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. Keeping this in mind I embrace this week filled with Christmas parties and fun, as well as tons of studying. First and foremost, I have to mention tomorrow. Our student association's Christmas party, my Christmas party, is tomorrow and my mind is about to explode thinking about all the things I have to remember to bring and all the responsibilities I have. I do not stand alone in this, thank god, but I desperately want it to be perfect so everyone will have a good time. And I don't even want to settle to that, I want to blow them away with what we have been able to create in a month and with a tiny budget. A perfectionist such as me, it is not simple to organize something I am very passionate about. All this planning, lists I've made, meetings held, equipment shopping trips, budget calculations, dress hunting and endless expectations are coming to an end tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. I just want to have it all so figured out that I can relax and enjoy tomorrow night, so that it will all be worth it.

I am extremely glad I will be surrounded by friends this week 'cause even though most of my time will be spent with them, hanging out in a Christmas spirit, I feel like after this week I will have given all I have to socially offer. In that sense there is a nice balance, pressure to provide something both socially and academically, as we get to the huge pile of stress aka assignments to finish. I just wrote a list of things I have to do before January and it includes three 4-page essays, three smaller essays, a large portfolio with the papers I have produced this term and evaluation of my progress as well as two books for a history exam.

Nice and easy, huh? That's what I meant by deserving the vacation. I am not complaining in the sense that I do not want to do any of that, though, I complain about having all the deadlines almost at once. 

Now that I got all this out of my head and in this post, I feel a steady calmness mixed with confidence. We're going to kill it tomorrow, it'll be perfect, I'm going to finish all my duties both socially and educationally in time so that I can proudly say I did it. I know I will.

After all, it is this simple: Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.