Quest for peace of mind

When I was younger, I used to picture my life ahead, seeing these pretty images dominated by clarity and simplicity. Like a glittery sticker, a fairytale where nothing was too complicated.

I've built a solid foundation for my character, the Maisa everyone knows. Hard-working, reliable, diligent, helpful, responsible, punctual, in control. I highly value those things and I've concentrated on perfecting them so much that I have, perhaps unconsciously, begun to lose the choice. I always say yes, I always agree, I always step up so others don't need to. I like it, but I have lost the moment of deciding, as the answer comes so easily, of course I will.

I don't think I can do it anymore, not like this. I think I'm reaching a breakthrough in figuring out some very basic issues of my personality and my life, finally starting to piece together dreams that aren't for once based on expectation or habituation.

Now the car packed with my life is just ahead of me, and I am holding on to the back bumper. I'm holding on tight, and I know I won't fall just yet. After the next hill I might be able to reach out my other arm and get a better grip.

Then again, I said that after the last hill. And the one before that. 

I'm always working among people, getting to know them and helping others to get to know each other. But now, I think it's time for me to get to know myself. To re-evaluate, to explore what I want, what I need and what I hope for.

For the past year and a half I've been trying to find myself by finding someone else. Now I see that the person I should have been and should be looking for is actually me, and somehow I am a little relieved. 

La conclusión y el comienzo

Tendría que escuchar la voz interna más a menudo. Ahora que empiezo a pensar, me doy cuenta de que cada vez he sabido exactamente lo que quiero, pero he tenido demasiado miedo de admitirlo. A veces ha estado tan vacío mi corazón, a veces tan lleno, que no me he atrevido decir lo que necesito decir, hacer lo más correcto para mí. He pasado horas y horas luchando conmigo misma sobre la indecisión que me paraliza.

La guerra entre lo que es bueno para mí y lo que es bueno para los demás siempre me distrae de la verdad. ¿Pero si no me desestabilizara la contradicción, sería sólo una criatura fría e indiferente? No sé si podría ser yo misma si no me molestara el egoísmo.

La distancia ayuda, es más fácil pensar con claridad. Un momento en que estás contento con sólo tú mismo, nadie más, para recordar que estás viviendo esta vida para ti.

Hay ciertas cosas que sé con certeza. Conozco la sensación que te grita, fuerte y alto, que estás segura que esto es correcto, sabes sin ninguna duda que eso es lo que quieres y necesitas. Lo tengo por mis planes, mis sueños, por quien soy. Y quiero más, mucho más.

Tranquility

Somehow I'm still trying to get to that point of realization that I'm really on vacation. It's always been a huge deal, everyone's made a big fuss about the beginning of the summer vacation but this year it just sort of happened without noticing. And it's a long vacation, I won't have to get back to the normal routines until the beginning of September. However, I won't have much time to slack this summer, as I'll be running from camp to camp and trying to do some studying in between as well. It's all sort of absurd, it's like I have all the time in the world to relax and do nice stuff but still I'll be busy as ever.

I also feel a bit empty. I feel like I have reached the end of an era by finishing the freshmen year, so much has happened. Things started, things ended. People came, people left. I found my place, but I'm constantly learning and I am both excited and a little afraid to see what the future holds. I've got a clean slate now, once again.

Walking along the almost too familiar road at home in the countryside yesterday I felt different. I felt that, for the first time, I'm just passing by. I'm not tied here anymore the way I've been so far, I'm not going to be stuck here all summer. I have things to do, places to go, I have the world to explore. The realization made me appreciate it all a lot more; my childhood, my upbringing in the countryside in a steady environment and among a loving family. Moreover, I felt calm. Yes, I have tons of exciting, new things to try but I am not in a hurry. I have a busy summer ahead, but for now I can just lift my face up to the sunshine, close my eyes, listen to the distant cuckoo of the birds and smile. I am home.

Sense

When I care, I care too much.

I look at you and I see more than skin and flesh.

I listen to you and I hear your words touching me from the inside.

The emotion you unleash crashes into me and I drown in it for a while until I remember how to catch a breath.

When I do not care, it kills me to see you do.

It goes through me, cutting with an edge a bit too sharp around the place my heart was supposed to be.

A shadow of guilt, and then it's empty.

Then there are times when I am calm. Calm like I know that I'll get there.

I look up and I see the sky, and I feel like I am hungry for more. Hungry for more life.

Towards new adventures

That's it, the freshman year of university is now over. Yesterday I had my last exam, all the final assignments are done and it's time to start looking forward to the summer. My summer will be full of camps once again, and at the end of summer I'll get to travel to Spain. Lots of things to do and new adventures to take on! However, before I lock the year in a box labelled the past, I might as well do some reflecting on the things this freshman year has taught me. 

I've been privileged to meet and get to know so many wonderful people, which is what has made this year so incredible. In fact, I think that all the most important life lessons I've learned could be summarized by saying that even though I am a university student leading an academic life, the people you meet will teach you more than any book ever will. I have learned about friendship, empathy, listening, trust, passion and so many other things that I feel like I am a completely different person than I was in September.

I don't have it all figured out, though. Somehow I feel like the more time goes by and the more things happen, the more confused I get by all the dimensions I never knew I would have to deal with. But I have done my best to deal with things, which is also one of the most important lessons learned. Never push aside something that has the power to affect you deeply, whether it is good or bad, you have to go through it, deal with it, and remember to keep that tiara up high along the way.

Moreover, the year has taught me about capability. I can do things, I can decide on a new path, I can make a change if I want to, I can move to the other side of the world, I really can. I have the power to choose between existing and living, taking a chance or staying with the comfortable. This year I've tried my best to break all kinds of previous patterns of not believing that things are possible or that I am capable of doing something. And I'll keep on believing in myself in the future adventures as well.

Combat

A rock might not shine all the time, but it is strong. It can take a hit or two, it can survive through fire and ice.
So can a diamond, but the shiny allure of it can blind you. It can make you greedy, restless for more. Satisfied for now but never completely, as all you can see is the shine reflected in your eyes.

Can they be one or does one always have to choose, I wonder. To hold on tight to the rock that will last no matter what, might glimmer when the sun shines, it would be enough. Still, I might be content with the blindness, as it would be the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

I cannot settle for less than both, but I have yet to find one such a thing. Or then I have yet to see that I am mistaken and I cannot reach for something that does not exist. But how could I have been fooled in such a bittersweet way?