Faces

He started to take off his mask, and everyone gasped of surprise; he had another one underneath. Was it really a surprise, though, don't we all conceal our faces with masks and painted emotions day after another? Hunting for pray, we hide ourselves behind a costume, the real creature hungry for affection.


Status, hierarchy, agendas. When did we lose the one that truly matters, how come we forgot? Friendliness fell to the ground when we ran forward with the pursue of power and personal gain, genuineness died when we willingly put on the disguise. 


And no matter how scary he looked, how people flinched when he approached their group constructed by social pressure and expectations, he still reciprocated with kindness when greeted with it. 

And I see through it, I witness the game of conditional pleasing and deliberate indifference, and I know they might see through me too, and I'm afraid they do.

Painting the canvas with imagination

A while ago in a class we watched a video of a speech about how school kills creativity. After spending almost four hours on perfecting a presentation that we refused to do as a boring generic PowerPoint slideshow, moving half of my friend's furniture to create perfect settings for photographing hand-written papers functioning as slides, and several ideas that started to get too extravagant, we finally created an elegant, creative and different presentation.

I know it took about five times more time than a really basic presentation would have, but it is partly due to the fact we haven't done anything like this before. Doesn't that already sound alarming? I feel like this and any kind of creativity should be encouraged a lot more in education. Damn, if I don't remember the points of the article the presentation summarized after all that work, I probably have a serious medical condition. There are tons of ways to present an idea, why settle for the same exact thing everyone does every single time? Besides, our presentation looks awesome and we had so much fun making it.

It might not even be about school killing creativity; I think it's more about the lack of opportunities to express yourself in artistic ways. If you had a task of presenting a novel you had to read for a class, why couldn't you make a sock puppet story, a song, a music video or a role play out of it instead of a slideshow presentation? I'm so gonna try to incorporate such methods in my teaching someday. I'd love to hear a subjunctive song or see a play demonstrating the prepositions.

In the end, we don't remember the sentences following the bullet points after some time has passed, we remember the things that made us laugh, the ones that impressed us and the ones that we couldn't take our eyes off. 

Wow, I think I should start writing about educational themes more often. I feel like I'm bursting with ideas and enthusiasm to shake up the traditions of teaching, which I understand to be also a bit naive and idealistic. I just hope I won't ever lose this enthusiasm, 'cause if I do I will be guilty of killing my own fire. And that would be just dumb, since that's the flame where my passion for teaching comes from.

Random thoughts make a story, don't they?

How do you know you're really a student? You're preparing to leave for a wine-tasting. On Monday. Yep, that's it. Only students can so sneakily organize a fancy-sounding event (which I'm sure will actually be quite fancy) that includes wine when the week is just starting. Well, on Thursday we won't even try to cover it, it's our subject organization's Halloween party.

What else is new? I'm getting back at my gym routine and I love it. It is so energizing. Plus, I'm gonna bake gluten-free American chocolate cupcakes on Wednesday. Hmm, I see the contradiction here...moving on.

What is the point of this post? I don't really know. 

Also, I found a girl who's been to Lima a year ago in the same university I'm going to, so we had lunch and I asked her everything I could think of. I can't even describe how excited I am about it. And, to make the lunch even better, there was a flash mob in the university restaurant. Seriously, how cool is that?
 

It's turning against me

I'm really starting to wonder whether I really like responsibility or if I've just got myself into such positions just because I could and I was expected to. The thing that bugs me so much is that sometimes, when you share the responsibility, other people fuck up or totally unrelated factors create obstacles and I feel all the weight of that. 

I know it's not my fault that things don't go as planned  but hell, if we're organizing something and there appears to be a throwback around every corner and it seems like nobody gives a rat's ass, I am not really left with loads of motivation to encourage people to have fun with us. 

They are little things, and not even that serious, but when they pile up and it just keeps on going and I feel like I'm alone in the mess that is just hanging there really messy, I feel like all I want is to raise my hands and deny having anything to do with it.

I'm so irritated that I'm struggling with keeping the text more or less reader-friendly. I'd really just like to curse. A lot.

And the thing is, that I've been here before. I've felt this same irritation before, knowing that I've brought it on myself by gathering all these responsibilities and I hate it. I'm like a junkie addicted to something that they don't even like.

Yeah, I don't even like it. Why the hell do I keep signing up for it?

Hey it's still light outside

Somehow I feel like my posts recently have been pretty dark and mysteriously sad. I don't really know what's up with that, I guess the emphasis comes from the fact that in those moments I've felt the most inspired to write, to get it all out of my system to make myself feel better. Anyway, I haven't been all depressed lately, I've had really great time as well. Last weekend, for example, was perfect! I visited my sister in Helsinki, went to see an amazing concert by the most popular Finnish pop-rock band, spent some quality time with my wonderful friends and then came home to my family. It's sort of a fall vacation for me, since I don't have any exams that would normally take place this week.

However, I gotta admit, this fall has been a lot about soul-searching and puzzled feelings. I am more confused and emotional than before, but I think I'm already starting to get some sense to it all. Acknowledging certain issues and starting to think outside the box, for instance. I think I still battle with the same questions I've been dealing with for years, and as I move forward in baby steps, I find myself tripping over the same stone I already thought I had jumped over. Like one of my favorite quotes says, "it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply".

But for now, I only hope the near future holds some happy feelings to be felt deeply. So it should, as I finished one course so, hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym or long walks around the lake, color my coloring book, write, read, see my friends and my sisters and everything else that will make me happy.

From the shady side of the heart

Bark, and I will flinch. Show your disappointment, and I will bow under the weight of the failed expectations. But when you are hurt, I will be too, I'll take the anxiety and fear and the thing you feel when you have a lump in your throat and I'll feel it and I'll try to make it better but I'm afraid I can't. I'll cry 'cause all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy so I could be happy, but how can I be happy when you're not? I'll scream for all the times I was strong when all I needed was a little bit of comfort, I'll shout for all the hugs I pretended I did not care for when I just needed someone to know.

It's funny how you see clearer looking down from a hill. Funny how you look at the tree leaves that glow golden against the sun and you feel as cold as the air.

I realized that every morning I stare at a mirror, but I can't remember the last time I really looked.

Wait, what?

I just bought plane tickets!! The most expensive thing I've bought in my life but it'll be totally worth it. I'll have to make my way through London and Dallas before I get to my destination but I'm sure I can handle that, especially after all the weirdness that went down while booking the tickets. Damned website maintenance projects. However, I got to practice my English skills on the phone and finally, everything was sorted out, though I'll probably have a huge phone bill. Anyway, all is well and I've got the key to flying away, literally, and I couldn't be more excited! Peru, here I come!

In a bit over four months, but I'm coming!

Travel jitters five months early

Ever since I got the final acceptance for my exchange from the university I'm going to, I've started to try to understand that it is really going to happen in a few months. Somehow it seems impossible to grasp; I'm the person who dreams, not the one who lives the picture-perfect adventures, right? I guess it's not true anymore, or at least it won't be. 

I just looked at flights (which are cheaper than I expected) and read another girl's blog who is doing her exchange in Peru now and I needed to stop to catch a breath. It is totally overwhelming, and while I have never been this excited about anything, at times I feel somehow paralyzed. I am the kind of person who finds comfort in routines, and also someone who might explode from feeling too much and I am concerned about how I'll survive there. Language-wise, studying-wise and living-wise yes, with a little adjustment, but emotionally or psychologically, that's another thing. It might be really hard, but it also could feel like exactly what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, I feel like it is almost ridiculous how amazing an opportunity I've been given.

In my world, a trip to the city was something super exciting when I was a child. In my world, seeing a sunset takes my breath away. In my world, traveling to all kinds of exotic places happens only in imagination. So, I'm trying to say that I do not take this lightly.

Dreams have always been these fairy tales that end when you open your eyes or turn to the last page, but this time it's different. I know it will be the experience of a lifetime, and it is scary as hell.

Circles

And I hear it and I am sad, because it is so beautifully appealing to the words I did not even think yet. How can you miss something you haven't lost yet, how can you fix what haven't been broken yet?

A word after another and I imagine it, the feelings are lost in the blank film. But then I find them in the unsuspecting second of jumping, laughing, singing out of happiness, the tears start trembling behind my eyelids and I squeeze them shut.

I believe that music and emotions dance on the same frequencies, and when they meet, true beauty is found.