Reminiscence

On top of the general weirdness of yesterday, I started reading this very blog back to times I hadn't returned to in a long time. It was surprisingly emotional to re-enter some of those old feelings of confusion and moments of self-discovery. Also, it was almost embarrassing to read some of the posts as all I could see first were the grammar mistakes and expressions that were not at all fluent English. I have only studied here for about six months, but still it seems that my language skills have improved tremendously. I probably shouldn't jinx it, I bet this post is full of mistakes now...

In addition, I've promised to start working out like five times. Determination, where have you been?

Anyway, I really wanted to go back and stroke the hair of that girl and tell her that it's all going to be okay. Not that I've ever struggled with any enormous problems, but still I could see and feel that old confusion, all of the fears, moments of realization and the first steps of gaining independence. I could see those situations with new perspective now, feeling that I've overcome the worst part, the tough start, but I've got a feeling that this is where the even trickier part begins. However, the times when I sat home wondering about my future seem to have happened ages ago and I cannot believe how much I have experienced since then. People get used to things, which saves our sanity but kills something small inside us that reminds us to really see the wonders around and inside.

I have never been writing this blog much conscious of the fact that this is a learning opportunity, but that's exactly what this is. It is my diary that everyone can see, it is a confusing and unstructured description of my life from the point of view of my feelings and thoughts about life. I'm amazed about the honesty I've trusted upon this blog, and although some posts seem to be just shallow chit-chat, I can remember the deeper meanings of each of them. Deeper within the concept of a 20-year-old's naivety, at least. All in all, I'm looking forward to being able to look back at this moment a year from now and smile at the things that fill my world right now.

Moments

do you know the feeling

of a realization so vivid it takes your breath away

a single memory, a tiny recollection, a time forgotten

that spins your world around

sends you back, pushing through a door you had already closed

not knowing something was still behind it

needing to be picked up and nurtured

ripping through your reality, reminding

that not everything we've left behind should be

and that uneven balance will quiver

and in a fleeting second

nothing has changed but everything is different

and you try to hold on to what you knew

try to make sense of the rules that suddenly changed

try to see the same world with different eyes

and finally, seize to exist as you were

place the piece in its place

and start looking for the next one

My new friends Mr. Bean and Mrs. Tofu

Today is the 8th day of my 40 days of veganism, and I thought I'd write down some observations from the past week. First of all, I have to say that this has not affected my life in any major way in the sense that my habits haven't changed, only the content. Maybe a little when it comes to eating regularly, vegan food seems to fill me for a shorter time so I have to really make sure to eat often enough. But that's only five times a day, according to recommendations, so I'm not eating all the time. 

I really like everything I'm eating, which is great. In university restaurants I often have to go with basically the same option every time, which is usually served in only some of the restaurants, but it's all right. In fact, I am enjoying this experiment so much that I am planning on replacing some ingredients I used to eat with these new ones. For example, I've fallen in love with my breakfast compilation of rye bred with hummus and avocado, natural soy yogurt with chopped banana, frozen blueberries and sunflower seeds and coffee with hazelnut milk. I am not letting go of that one.

I've been so happy to have guidance with this experiment, as my friend is always only a phone call away to tell me how I should fry the tofu or any other questions I encounter. Thanks for that! In addition, it's been nice to cook together and to cook for other people, as well as to send pictures of everything to my sisters who don't really understand why on earth I am doing this. 

I'm feeling very light, fresh and energetic. I am just a little surprised about how my mind works when it comes to craving something. Before, if I wanted to eat something really badly, I usually did go and get it as I never managed to reason with myself enough not to. Now, however, I get even worse moments of craving for example cheese or some junk food but I know there's no chance I am giving in. I guess I am a person who needs clear rules, at least when it comes to eating.

My head is spinning

Don't know how to make it stop.

Not sure if I want to.

¿Por qué no lo enseñan en las escuelas?

Últimamente he entendido que ahora, por la primera vez, estoy viviendo mi propia vida, que no hay nadie que tenga el derecho de decir lo que yo tendría que hacer o cómo tendría que vivir mi vida. Con esta realización siento mucha libertad pero también mucho miedo, porque no estoy segura que pueda hacer decisiones buenas.

¿Qué son decisiones buenas? Todas las decisiones no son solo buenas o malas, correctas o falsas, es un fenómeno demasiado subjetivo para declarar así. Pienso que las decisiones de mi vida están cambiando de tipo cuando yo estoy creciendo, muy a menudo ya no puedo elegir de alternativas si o no. Hay situaciones donde podría tomar cualquiera alternativa sin un resultado perfecto, sin que el problema desaparezca. Entiendo que siempre no hay sólo los lados negros y blancos, pero la área gris ha empezado a parecer demasiado complicada. El problema es que cuando tengo la responsibilidad de mi propia vida, tengo que elegir de manera que pueda vivir con mis decisiones.

A pesar de todo esto, he tomado una decisión con que estoy muy contenta, porque la he tomado basada en lo que realmente quiero. Iré de intercambio a América del Sur, y mis favoritos ahora son Chile, Perú y Uruguay. Quizás parece raro a algunos que esto no es una cosa obvia para mí, ¿no es simple? ¿Por qué no podría ir allí? Creo que toda mi vida hasta ahora he pensado mucho en lo que quieren los otros, lo que les beneficia, lo que yo no puedo hacer sin su aceptación. Y ahora, no necesito la aceptación. Tengo fe en mí mismo suficiente que puedo decir lo que quiero. Pensé que no podría ir demasiado lejos de mi familia, pero si no les voy a ver para seis meses de todos modos, no importa donde en el mundo estoy. Además, si no voy al otro lado del mundo ahora, ¿tendré la oportunidad otra vez durante esta vida?

Estoy segura que voy a tomar muchas decisiones estúpidas en el futuro. Quizás voy a caerme tantas veces que no pueda contarlas, quizás voy a encontrar mucha felicidad y mi vida va a organizarse pieza por pieza sin dificultades. En todo caso voy a recordar que no hay que arrepentirse de nada: cada error te enseña algo, sólo puedes aprender y pasar adelante. Cada persona, cada situación te encuentra por una razón, es la responsibilidad tuya de averiguar lo que es.

That about sums it up

There are two kinds of people on Valentine's day. Those who are all happy-lovey-dovey-roses-and-chocolate-life-is-amazing- people, celebrating their eternal love and all that crap.

Then there are those who first drop their new phone into a bucket full of water, then spend one and half hours scraping **** off the pipes that go from the sink to the floor drain, wondering whether what they are (physically, too) dealing with at the moment will be over by next Valentine's day.

Have a guess which one I am.

Searching

"What makes your soul smile?" she asked. I opened my mouth but could not phrase and answer to tell her, as I was too baffled by the question. I was confused by the idea; could I see it, touch it? Or was it touching me all the time, was it all over me, inside out? It, she, what is it? Is it me, am I my soul?

I am telling you now, though, the best I can. I cannot quite define or describe it in a way that would make any justice to what I actually experience. It is the way I am moved by a simple thing, merely a moment in time that means more than just a moment. A word that is more than just a word, a decision that comes with a golden heart and a silver lining.

The way the rising sun colors the horizon with a palette more harmonious than the most beautiful piece of art, reflecting the light from the water or the ice, burning through the distance, captivating my eyes and stopping my world for a second.

The sound that I hear not only with my ears but with my entire being, echoing a beautiful melody that carries a meaning deeper than a simple note, completing the moment of emotion.

The feeling after overcoming a chaos, when the last piece of the puzzle is put into place and I can take a step back to look at what I've created, knowing I did the best I could, falling into a sweet blur of a moment of freedom.

That is what makes my soul smile. I guess it happens when I stop pulling the world towards me and take a step into it instead, with a curious mind and an open heart.

Monday wonder

I embrace this new week with a fresh mindset and a relaxed mood. This weekend was probably the first time that I have really needed a break that much, and I'm telling you, there is no  better way to have a pause than going home to the countryside. However, this was also the first time that I started to miss my life here in Jyväskylä almost immediately after I got there. As much as I enjoyed seeing my family and spending time away from this crazy-busy life, I couldn't wait to get back, as I am continuously excited to see what's next.

Just like these past few weeks, I have a schedule so tight for this week that I won't have to wonder how to spend my time. Most of it is something fun and exciting, though, so I am not feeling terrified or anything. Besides, I've basically scheduled all the free time activities as well, so I cannot really say that I don't have any free time. Today, for instance, I will bake a vegan, gluten-free carrot cake and I am quite excited to see how it turns out. Never made one before, so we'll see.

It will be sort of a practice for next week, as I am planning on taking up the challenge of the Easter fast. Religious people do it for real each year and I have to admit I am just doing it as a whim and sort of a sympathy-veganism period and not really because of it's actual reasons but whatever. I've done it before so it won't be such a big problem and sure, I can (will) try to be a better person as well, it's always a good thing to aim at. Besides, I've been planning on starting to eat healthy since ages ago so at least I'll finally take a step into that direction. So, I'll have to be more conscious of what I put in my mouth as I will be vegan for 40 days.

And now the miraculous world of pronunciation awaits!

 

 

The art of conversation

This weekend I have engaged in many conversations that have been.. well, let's say intense. I really enjoy conversations that are more than just chit-chat, that really have a purpose and where people are actually invested in them. When morals or ethics, for instance, come into the picture, the ingredients for an amazing conversation are there. However, they are exactly the same ingredients that can create a disaster. Anyway, I am not going to get into the conversations we've had, but they gave me a spark to wonder the magic behind a good conversation and my own conversation skills.

I do not always feel obligated to come forward with each thought I have during heated conversations, which sort of allows me to  take a step back and examine the situation from another angle. I sometimes struggle with expressing exactly what I am thinking, which is why I also see it as the best solution; misunderstandings due to flawed expression are the most annoying ones to deal with. However, I expect people to have opinions and I appreciate those who manage to back them up and truly stand for their own. Strong opinions don't always mean black and white thinking, though, which can sometimes be misinterpreted by people. Nevertheless, I feel like my trap and blessing is seeing quite much of that grey area. I have noticed that I sometimes set myself between opposing views as I lack knowledge or capability to stand for a side, but I consider it both an advantage and a flaw. When I do have a solid point of my own, though, I do stand behind it. Not in a way that I try to win, unless I see that the opponent is basing their arguments on empty words, stereotypes or just pointless explaining around the topic but never to the point.

The richest conversation is born in a situation where opinions differ from each other. I feel like a person does not necessarily have to understand the opposing arguments in the sense that they'd agree with them on any level, but it is essential to listen to them. Conforming to the opponent's opinions is to my mind required when you realize you're wrong, which I know is not easy to admit. However, I feel like one cannot be a good conversationalist without the ability of acknowledging one's weaknesses and admitting them in the moment. It is not losing to say "you're right, I have to reconsider my views", it is simply being a bigger man (or a woman, to be equal) and a mature thing to do. I am not contradicting myself here, although I say I appreciate strong opinions that are firmly held; I believe that good opposing arguments have the power to turn your opinion around no matter how strong it is. It depends on the seriousness of the issue, though, I do not expect deeply moral views to be turned around in a blink. 

"Issues argue, people don't" should be the red thread of a conversation. I am not saying it's wrong not to have a good chemistry with a person whose views are completely unacceptable to you, you do not have to like everyone. However, a conversation is not mature when it gets too personal with people who hardly know each other. What you think about one certain theme does not necessarily define you as a person, which is why people shouldn't be judged based on their opinions. Disliking and judging are different things to me, and even if I do not like someone, I do try my best not to judge them. This paragraph in all its confusion is trying to say that no matter how intense a conversation you have and it makes you emotionally invested, it is between you and the other person. The issue can be discussed with others, the person cannot.
 
To conclude, I could cite a poster for our university debating club that summarizes the main idea behind this post: "Don't argue with idiots. Debate." We're not kids anymore, we are capable of doing that.