A lot to tell but nothing to say

So music it is.

Lost and found

Last night after twenty minutes of consideration I decided to apply to universities of applied sciences to start studying in January. That definitely counts as one of the most spontaneous things I've done, since I guess I have a pretty good chance at getting in. However, I am still a little confused and overwhelmed that I actually did it. One factor that contributed to this solution were the 51 job applications without any luck, which was getting damned frustrating.

I am so proud of myself, though. Last night when I couldn't fall asleep due to the excitement, I realised that all my life I have put myself in a box of plans that I can't get out of. For the past few years when my future has been kind of a big issue to think about, I have had a clear vision of it all. I have decorated the box with all kinds of details and possibilities that at some point I stopped being that excited about living in it since I knew every single step of that way and I was already conditioned to it being my destiny. Yesterday and today I have realised that when the rejections in the summer smashed the box, I got free of that plan I couldn't let go of. And now, a simple thing like clicking a few buttons online might not seem special to anyone else, but to me it is something I've never done before. For once, I didn't plan it out for months and decide every single detail, I just went with what I felt at the moment. I have been holding on to this "ideal me" for so long without realising that I have changed. I am no longer stuck and that feels incredible.

So what, if I hate the studies or realise it is definitely not for me, at least I will have ruled that out. I am not losing anything, I am just experiencing. That's what I always say I want and I guess this is one of the really rare times I actually do something to get there. I can always choose something else and take another chance. I don't know if I'll end up in school in the beginning of next year but I believe that when the time comes, I will know what is the right thing for me.

 

Yellow, red, brown

Just a while ago it was still summer but now that I look outside the kitchen window on the right side of the table I am sitting by, I see trees that are glowing deep red, yellow and orange. It is almost miraculous how the pretty green can turn into various shades of burning fire so fast. I really like the nature in the fall, however, the weather usually sucks. I hate that it is + 5 in the morning and +15 during the day so it is impossible to wear the right clothes. The rain isn't nice either, but if I can stay in while it is raining, it is a perfect opportunity to organize my wardrobe or watch a movie wrapped in a blanket.

There is always something magical about this season, the atmosphere of waiting is in the air. When I was younger, it was always about school starting and new things to learn and experience, not to forget my birthday (which just doesn't have the same feeling now that I am older...). Especially this year I expected the fall to be really special. Well, the beginning hasn't been that exciting 'cause nothing really worked out like I planned. Nothing even happens. Although my expectations didn't turn to reality, I haven't still lost the feeling of looking forward to something that is going to happen. I can't really describe it in a way that makes sense. I just know that the fall has always meant a new beginning in some way, and I firmly believe my new beginning, the one that I need really badly, is going to come soon.

 
 

The beauty of being unemployed

I am hoping everyone gets the sarcasm of the title. It is sarcastic, at least mostly. There are benefits, of course, but mostly it sucks.

Thanks to the burning injury, I can't enjoy many of the perks of not having a job or any other daily responsibility. So what do I do every day? Well, today I knitted a woolly sock. It took about 6-7 hours. I did watch one two-hour movie while knitting, but otherwise I just sat on a sofa and knitted. I didn't have anywhere to be, anything to do so I thought I might as well just keep doing this. To my defence, in case someone is thinking I am like an old granny, the socks are light pink. Really cute, trust me. Besides that, I have had errands to run in the city a few times, so I am not isolating completely. However, almost every day I have to face a huge problem: can I find the energy to do something productive today or will i just take the easiest way and be lazy?

It is killing me to feel like I have no power over anything in my life right now. I cannot choose to start working. I am not allowed to do sports, I have nothing to study for, I am struggling everyday with myself 'cause I know I could use this free time wisely but I find it so hard to see the point in enjoying being free when it is not what I want and need. So, I end up watching three movies a day or staring at the computer screen all day long and before I notice, another day passes by. I know it sounds like I am just happily chilling out each day but that really is not the case. When I was in school and had some free time to watch a movie, it was really relaxing and enjoyable. I still like movies, but the watching experience is not the same when I have all the time in the world to do it. I don't do it to have a rest from something else, I am doing it to spend time.

I know I just write about the same stuff again and again, but this is my reality. Not a day goes by that I don't search the internet for any jobs available or worry about having no income whatsoever. It really is stressful. Being unemployed is so hard to deal with mentally and trust me, I have had to force myself to adapt to so many things lately that I feel like I can't take any more failures. This is just unfair, I have earned better than this. Nobody seems to really understand my situation, thinking they know better what my life is like 'cause they hear what I do everyday and think she has it easy, but nobody asks how I feel. 

Yesterday when I texted my friends that I didn't get a job I was interviewed for, one of them stated the irritating and frustrating truth: I am being tested this year. I'd better be damned tough and persistent when things start to work out, otherwise I'll just have to be angry at the world for being cruel. I am just completely fed up with being stuck in my own life.

Now what?

Well, now I am finished with all the jobs I had for this year. Before last weekend my situation was basically the same as now but with a huge exception: I had something to plan (a camp), a responsibility to fill, something to look forward to. And now it's over, so I am here at home thinking: what am I supposed to do now?

I have sent over 40 job applications and I check all the possible websites almost every single day. However, it seems so hopeless and feels damned frustrating to get no results whatsoever. I guess you really do nothing with high school education, since nothing is what I've got. I am just not used to failing like this, I have always been so hard-working and done my best in everything to succeed and to achieve goals with my efforts. I have always had it so planned out, and now I have no freaking idea when and if something will happen.

Yeah, yeah, I am doing my best staying positive but in case you've never been in my situation, you can't imagine what it feels like. I am ready to move out, start my independent life but no, I am stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I like having free time and watching three movies a day (oops.. even I admit that is kind of waste of time), but it is really hard to enjoy the freedom when you can't shake off the haunting feeling of uncertainty and fear. What if my life will stay the same for months more? 

There is one option I could spend my time with in case I don't find a job soon, which is called job experiment or something like that. The point of it is that you find a workplace that will take you there for a month or so and the social insurance institution of Finland pays you about half of the monthly salary. It is a way to support unemployed youngsters and to help them with their future career plans. That would be okay for me too, a little money is better than no money since I don't get any money from anywhere, but the only problem is that since we live in the countryside, I'd have to find a place in the city where my father works and that would take me for the same hours as my dad's so I could get a ride with him. Otherwise I might as well stay at home since the travel costs would eat my pay almost entirely.

So, all in all my life is kind of on pause, nothing's moving forward and since the burning injury I can't even do any sports yet. I can't wait to heal, I want to start working out 'cause I haven't done anything since the beginning of the summer. My only hope right now is to get some action and please, somebody give me a job.

 

Looking back and facing the future

I have 15 days left of my first year as an adult. It makes me look back on the previous year and say: wow. What a year. I really doubt it would be possible to fit more experiences and special events in one year than this past year has had, but I know this will be the most different year of my life so far. Time really flies, it feels like it was only a while ago when I rejoiced over the milestone achieved by visiting the liquor store. However, in reality more has happened between then and now than ever.

I want to give you a list of things I've learned this year, hoping I will be able take my own advice in the future challenges to come. These things are based on my personal experiences only, so they might not apply to everyone and to every situation but I think some of them could be useful.

1. Do not burn yourself. This is the latest incident that's happened to me, two weeks ago I accidentally poured boiling hot water on me. And well, it has not been so nice. First because of the pain and the difficulty in daily activities (like washing your hair) and now because the new skin is damned itchy. At least I managed to stay out of hospital for almost 19 years, which is a pretty good accomplishment, if you ask me.

2. Never give up. I have sent 43 job applications lately, with no luck, since I need to do something with this gap year, but I refuse to throw in the towel. I have to believe that one of these applications will be the one that gives me the permission to start packing my bags. So I will keep sending them. Tomorrow I have an appointment at the employment agency so maybe that will make something happen.

3. Be spontaneous. Life is much more exciting and eventful if you sometimes take a chance or let go of your old habits. I have done some independent decisions with my life for the first time ever and it has felt so good. I am finally old enough to do what my heart tells me to, instead of always asking for my parents' permission first. 

4. Life is not fair but you have to accept it. I really thought I'd get into a university and I definitely thought I deserved it, but I guess there's something else I'm supposed to do now. I did feel defeated and like all my efforts were for nothing for a while, but it wasn't possible to see the good until I accepted the facts. I guess it also had something to do with waking up from being overly self-confident, I thought I'd nail the entrance exams even with a little less studying but that wasn't the case.

5. Be happy about the little things. Since I have been at home basically for seven months now because the school ended in February, I spend most days here in the countryside. In sweatpants, without make-up. One day I realised it had been two days since I had brushed my hair the last time. So, it makes me really cheerful to dress up nicely and go to the city for once. Also, a shower after a week of really inconvenient arrangements to get kind of clean felt like heaven after the burning-incident.

6. Believe in yourself. I was the leader of a camp this summer for the first time ever and even though I was really excited, I was really nervous about it. I worried about how the workers would take my orders or if my leading skills would be enough. I couldn't have done it without the help from others and our democratic ways, but I learned that if I have the responsibility, I am allowed to make my own desicion and stick to them. Responsibility includes the right to have your way.

7. Celebrate when there is a reason for it. The first half of the year 2013 was filled with nostalgic partying with school friends. We conquered the land and the sea (literally) with joy and alcohol, drawing attention by celebrating in the city dressed up as aliens and pirates and tigers and beer bottles. And then, after a little work we celebrated our freedom. What was the most important part of those celebrations, was being carefree and not stressing about the work still left or the insecurity of our futures. It was about the moment and nothing else.

8. You don't have to do it all alone. Ask for help. If you have a good friend, trust them, because nobody can go through this life keeping all the thoughts inside them. Talking to someone about your problems helps more than I can tell, at least if the people you talk to truly understand you. I have learned this lesson the hard way, I took it to the point when I couldn't take it anymore and the emotions took control but it was such a cleansing feeling to get it out of my system. A slumber party (camp-version) was exactly what I needed, thank you my wonderful friends! :)

9. Make choices so that you can look back and say you're proud of what you've done. I can't say I've made the best choices all the time, I could have spent a few more nice evenings with my friends instead of studying, but at least I can be proud of my achievements. I have done things I could have left undone and that I am not so proud of, but those moments are the ones that teach you something. However, I have no regrets about the biggest decisions I've made this past year and I am proud that I have made them independently and worked for them.

10. It's okay not to be okay. Life isn't perfect, sadness and pain are a part of the deal. Failing isn't nice, but you are allowed to be disappointed. Having to do things you don't want to can be harder than you'd ever imagine and it is okay to feel bad about them. It goes both ways; celebrating is in place when there is a reason, but when the time comes, you need to face the reality with its downsides, too. You don't always have to be strong, you don't always have to put up a mask of a happy smile and jokes if you're in fact hurting inside. You see, it is possible that you start to believe your own show too well, which is when the denial becomes your worst enemy. Don't avoid your feelings; they can tell the truth better than anything.