New Year's resolutions

Here we are again, at the end of a yet another amazing year. Since tomorrow it is the last day of the year and I have already taken my time to look back on my accomplishments, sources of joy, learning opportunities and life experiences of the past year, it is time to look ahead. I know for sure that the year 2014 will be one to remember, if not for anything else then at least because of starting my independent life. However, now is the time to make promises for the year to come and this year (like every year) hopefully to keep them. And at least try to remember what I've promised.

I have already given up the endless planning of my life ahead so I will not make any promises of what will happen next year. Whatever life throws at me is what I'll experience, no plans needed. I want to hold on to this way of thinking, the exciting feeling of freedom makes me curious to every single new day. So, I won't promise to do anything or not to do anything 'cause it wouldn't work out like that anyway. Instead, I promise to try. Try to live in the moment, try to take a leap of faith when an opportunity is given, try to demand what I deserve while giving back. 

I promise to enjoy my life. Not forgetting that it's okay not to be okay sometimes, I welcome the new year with hope. I am grateful for this past year but somehow I am also happy it's over. Now all there's left to say is happy New Year everyone, I hope you will have a good time celebrating tomorrow and let's keep our minds and hearts open for 2014!

 

The Dalmatians minus one or two

This is it, my 100th post. It feels like I've at least made an effort trying to express my thoughts, so tonight I am going to give you something else. As a tribute to the number of the day I turned to our dear friend who always helps us when in need of information, google. I simply googled the number 100 and here are the first 10 results it gave me. Some of them are in Finnish, so the titles are translated by me. 

100+ club members
 This sounds weird at first 'cause at least I was immediately thinking of people older than a hundred years, but the description below says that to the 100+ club are accepted all the people who have ran at least a hundred marathons. This is an unofficial list of the Finnish members of the club. Uhm, okay. Didn't really guess that the first search result would be this, out of all the possibilities with a 100 in them. And it isn't even a sponsored ad.

Wave 100 - front page
 Apparently this is the website for a new, local television channel in Tampere, Finland. Allright, I don't live there nor have I ever heard of it so this one could be useful someday. Maybe. Thanks for the information, anyway.


The 100-year-foundation of the technology industry
 Ookay.

Goggles and Accessories -100% Official Site | ride100percent.com
 Some kind of biking equipment... I would really like to know on what basis does google choose to suggest me websites. Definitely not by interpreting my personal life through my search words.

Top 100 food blogs
Wow, this one is actually a website I might even visit. I like eating and food is good. So thanks, google, for making me hungry when everyone else is asleep so I have to wait until the morning. Though I guess I wouldn't go to eat anyway 'cause night eating isn't healthy.

100 push-ups - 100 push-ups with a 6-week program
 Is this a hint? I know that lately I've been pretty lazy physically (read:I haven't done a thing to work out) and I know Christmas time is all about eating and chocolate and not doing anything. But I promise, when I go to Helsinki and get my sports pass that makes me go to the gym since I've paid for it which means I really have to use it, I will fix this and start doing push-ups. Or something else. Probably something else.

100 things for a better nightlife - Night People Group
Good, I'll probably be exploring the nightlife quite a lot in the beginning of my studies so I am glad if someone has bothered to make a list of how to improve it. They'd better have actually done it, too, instead of just writing about it.

100 - Wikipedia
Not suprising, Wikipedia has to be in the search results no matter what you're searching for. It knows everything about everything and likes to share its information. This particular article is about the year 100. First one of these results the appearing of which makes sense.

39games
The description is the following:  Traffic Killer · Raze · Raft Wars · Bloons Tower Defense 4 · Age of War 2 · Command Grid · Solipskier · Rocky Rider · Swords and Sandals 2 · Learn to Fly · Toss ... I'd like to know how the number 100 is related to this? Good job getting it to my results, can't be easy claiming to be something you're not. 

100 questions to a pediatrician - Health library
Finally, a reliable and informative website that I have heard of and isn't totally useless. 

I didn't actually go to any of these sites so I can't be sure if they actually are what the descriptions and titles say but never mind. At least I've made my point clear which is that I have written already a hundred times!
  
I had never heard this song before. But I gotta stay true to the theme.

 

 

The silent night

Only a week and it's Christmas! I can't believe how fast time has passed this year, it is almost too insane to grasp. However, I can't wait for the morning of December 24th since it is one of my favorite days of the year if not the absolute favorite. I know exactly how the day is going to go but I don't mind, it is the whole point of it. I am usually a fan of keeping up traditions, and this one is the one I never want to go away. I know it will change at some point of my life and that's why I am even more dedicated to enjoying it while I still can. That day is magical every year and though growing up makes it lose its magic a little bit, there's always something in the atmosphere.

This year there will be one difference but it is a happy one. Our grandmother will join our precious tradition and she is probably even more excited than we are. The activities of the day aren't that different or unique compared to the normal life but it is the one day when everyone agrees with how to spend it and that is together. Decorating the christmas tree, cooking as a family, eating way too much and giving and receiving gifts, not to forget the most Finnish thing there is, sauna. It always brings a smile on my face thinking about our family's Christmas celebration. This year will be the last one when everything's the same as so far since I will leave home and nobody knows what life is going to throw at you in a year. Believe me, this year has thrown so many unexpected things at me that I have almost decided to stop planning my life and just going with the flow.

I have really got into Spanish Christmas carols this year, they are just so beautiful.

 

Orgullo y prejuicio

Ya hace mucho tiempo que he escrito un texto en español así que ahora es el momento. Quisiera hablar de una cosa de que me di cuenta viendo la tele hoy. Vi un programa de televisión que se llama Love Connection y la idea es que tres hombres estadounidenses con la orígen finlandesa íban a Finlandia para encontrar una mujer con quien podrían empezar el futuro común. Me gusta esta programa mucho porque son personas normales y porque no es como los otros programas. Hay tantos en que tienen que coninar para ganar el corazón de lo otro y hay que cantar, por ejemplo, o vivir la vida campesina cuidando los animales.

Un de los tres hombres me irrita. Es un poco mayor que los otros y ha divorciado antes. No me atrae su aspecto y creo que por eso puedo estimar su personalidad mejor. Tiene un buen sentido de humor y es amable pero hay algo en su forma de pensar de los mujeres que me molesta. No lo conozco así que sólo estoy hablando de mi propia opinión, pero sobre la base de sus entrevistas y sus comentarios he deducido el tipo de mujer que le gusta. Y yo no estoy de acuerdo con su idea de una relación entre una mujer y un hombre. Quiere que la mujer esté de acuerdo con él, prefiere alguien que no tiene su propia independencia. Quizás le asuste una mujer fuerte y aunque hay mujeres que no tienen su propia voluntad también aquí en Finlandia, creo que está buscando en país falso. Dice que quiere desarrollar la relación lentamente pero en cada episodio siempre está abrazando y besando las mujers. Sé que es importante averiguar si hay la conexión física pero a mi me parece que no toma este programa en serio.

Creo que hay un pequeño feminista dentro de mí pero yo pienso que el hombre tiene que respetar la independencia de la mujer. Sí, mi nacionalidad claro afecta mi opinión porque este sigue siendo el concepto de una mujer finlandesa. Sin embargo, me considero adaptable porque entiendo que no es posible tener una relación sana sin el talento de dar junto con el de tomar. 

All by myself

The theme of today has been independence all day long since it is has been 96 years since Finland fought for our people succesfully. It has been on my mind, too, though in a little different way. My independence day will be on January 11th since that is when I probably move out. Without a doubt this will be the biggest and most significant end of an era so far in my life. For the first time ever I will have an address that none of my family members live in. Actually, I have already signed the rental contract, but it won't be officially mine until January.

On one hand living on my own will be really good for me. I have to admit that I get annoyed pretty easily when someone here tells me to do this and do that. Having only myself to answer to, being in charge of every decision when it comes to cleaning up or cooking and having that peace and own space sounds exactly like what I need right now. Although I am a really social person and I like having people around, I am so looking forward to making my own life real instead of spendig a carefree day after another in the place that I am so grateful to have grown up in and that I'll always call home.

However, there are two sides to every coin. Though the first feeling is excitement, I am nervous. I know I'll make friends quite fast and I already have friends there, but I still wonder how long will I be able to purely enjoy the solitude before it'll become agonising. I won't be completely alone since there are two other girls living in the same apartment but if we don't operate on the same wavelength, it might create an atmosphere of discomfort which of course affects how well I adapt to living in the big city. 

I don't want to picture worst-case scenarios or intentionally create fears or bad feelings about moving, but I guess I am allowed to ponder my life at the edge of a huge change. Whatever happens, this will be a great thing that will teach me more than anything so far and give me plenty of new, exciting experiences I'll carry with me to a yet another adventure.

It was here...or was it?

Do you know the nagging feeling of a half-memory and a half-delusion that you put something somewhere but you just can't find the place? I know that more than perfectly, since for the past few days I have been looking for something I really want to pack with me when I (finally) move to Helsinki. I bought this amazing black and white painting in Portobello Road, London in April. It had a bright red tree on the right and it looked so cool. However, it was just the canvas without frames and I have completely lost that roll. I promised to buy chocolate to whoever finds it but we haven't had any luck so far... It is one of the most annoying feelings ever, knowing it is somewhere here and you have a distant memory of it but you just can't find it. 

This mystery is a part of my current process which is to pack everything I want to take to Helsinki with me, to get rid of all the unnecessary things and to separate the stuff I want to save as a memory but have to leave behind for now. I have made amazingly good progress with this, I already have.. uhm, quite many boxes filled with bowls and kettles and shoes and books etc. I have found items the existence of which I didn't even remember and through some old letters I've found memories I had buried somewhere deep. However, I always thought I don't own that many things but flilling a box after another makes me reconsider. Especially since I haven't packed any of my clothes. And we will have to make it all fit in a car with 5 people. Luckily I don't take any furniture with me, I'll buy it from there so we won't be the hated car with a trailer slowing everyone down for hundreds of kilometers.

I am praying to find the painting. Yes, because it is a really nice painting but also because I have turned every place upside down and still no sight of it. I have one more place in mind (would be extremely weird if I found it there 'cause I.have.not.put.it.there.I.am.sure) but who knows, in this house anything can end up anywhere without a competent explanation.

 

Socially unsocial

I don't always quite get it why people are so addicted to the various forms of the hottest topic nowadays, the social media. Yeah, I am grateful to the inventor of Facebook, there's no denying that it has more benefits than disadvantages for a socially active person. Everybody can tell why it is so good so I am not going to get into that. However, I can live without it. Still living here in the countryside I find it extremely useful in order to talk to people that live further, but if I am not feeling especially lonely, I survive without it. It is more like a tool to entertain yourself or to decrease your phone bill when you have an option to communicate for free.

My sister made me install the application Foursquare on my phone a while ago and I was really excited about it since it was something new and I got to do check-ins and I became the mayor in some places. Then, after a while I realised that I am unemployed and live in the countryside, which means I go somewhere max once a week so that I can even use that application. The glory of it kind of faded, checking in became annoying and felt a little obligatory. On top of that, my little sister discovered Foursquare and stole my mayorships. Settings, delete application.

I haven't created Instagram or Twitter accounts, nor have I ever bothered to go through them enough to even know how they actually work. I don't have a need to let everyone know what I am doing or thinking constantly, I'll tell it when I want to and I'll do it here. Or directly to the person I want to share it with. Besides, I am actually quite a bad photographer and my phone's camera isn't even so good to publish pictures taken with it. 

I guess I am a private kind of a social media user, I prefer reading others' posts and status updates and only posting when I really have something to say. Okay, my last Facebook status was about tequila, but that was simply because it was the first time in a long time that I was out with my friends so the situation required a Facebook status update.

But like my title very frankly puts it, in my opinion the so-called social media is in some dimensions highly unsocial. Could someone please tell me which part of it all is social? Since, basically, even when you're chatting with someone in Facebook, you are alone in your chair staring at a machine. I admit that it makes you feel less lonely even writing to someone and them writing back but there's no warmth, there's no body language, no facial expressions and no real chemistry that makes you feel good when interacting with people. 

Back to school - for real!

Finally. I have suffered my punishment of not being able to plan my future so now I get back on it with more enthusiasm than ever. Apartment searching online, filling forms to verify that I'll be attending in January, trying to figure out the student allowance systems... It is kind of annoying actually, as a process, to do those things but the reason why I can do it is good enough a reason to even enjoy it. It feels incredible that for months I've been staring blankly in my future which didn't seem to include anything but now I have everything to expect. And that everything will start in two months! My studies start with orientation days from 16th to 17th of January and on 20th I'll become a full-time student once again. 

I found out about this already on Friday but I needed a while to completely realise that I am going, especially since I've been distracted with other stuff. It was such a relief to find out that I got in. I was really nervous about it, I knew the day when the results would come and I was dreading the moment when I'd see a letter in a mailbox or go to the website to read the list of the accepted students. I am glad that my friend texted me in the morning saying congratulations on getting in, saving me from the nerve-wracking part.

I can't wait to find an apartment. Well, since I am moving to the capital where the rents are insane, I'll most likely get a shared apartment, we call it "a cell apartment" where there usually are about 2-4 people living there, each person has their own bedroom and the kitchen, the living room and the bathroom are shared. Not so nice, since you never know what kind of people you end up living with but that's just student life. Speaking of which, I can't wait to make new friends and to start learning French and to personally experience that famous student life. I guess I am out of practise with partying but on the other hand I've been saving my powers for the student parties, right? Oh and yeah, for studying of course.

So next up would be probably a trip to IKEA to find plates and glasses etc. cheap enough that it wouldn't matter if crazy and careless roommates smashed them. Also, I was a little too excited at the end of the summer when I packed all my kitchen stuff into boxes believing I'd be moving away and starting working. Now that I'll have only a few square meters to use I have to unpack it all and take only those things that won't break so easily and are really needed. Sounds maybe boring but I actually can't wait 'cause my inner organizer is so excited about it. 

This song isn't at all related to the theme but I just like it so much that I want to share it.

Back to school... kind of

Again, it's been a while. However, this time I make my comeback having conquered some new territory. I have been substituing teachers in my former primary school and junior high and I am so excited to have gained these new experiences. The best way to desrcribe the job of a substitute is challenging, yet rewarding.

Yesterday was my very first day as a teacher, the very first time in a loooong time that I had to get up and go to work and though I needed coffee really badly so early in the morning, it was very refreshing to actually do something for a change. The tricky thing with substituing teachers is that you don't really have that much time to prepare. Yeah I knew about it a few days before, but I didn't get the instructions until in the morning. And well, luckily I adapt pretty easily since though I had been informed about the arts and handicraft lessons, I had a nice surprise of having to be a math teacher for one lesson. When I read it on the board for the first time, all I thought was "oh shit!" But as it turned out, it was a piece of cake. It was so much easier now than when I was a 9th-grader... Now I thank god that I chose advanced math in high school. They always said I'd need it in life and now I am happy about those countless hours calculating and calculating. The challenging part also included being unfamiliar to the students and what they are like. I am really glad I have had to boss people around in the past, since that was pretty much what I did on those more artistic lessons.

Today and tomorrow I am at primary school teaching the second grade. And I love it! Yeah there is noise around me all the time and kids won't shut up or stay still but what makes a difference is that in their eyes they still have the sparkle of enjoying carefree life. And they liked me, I even got a few pictures saying I am the best teacher ever. Funny that high school seems to be enough of an education for the kids but all the employees I have contacted this fall don't always agree...  It is also nicer to have the same class the whole day so I get to know the kids better. It felt like I was a real teacher! I even got to use my skills in playing the piano since we started practising a Christmas song performance. 

I have always had the job of a teacher in the back of my mind but I haven't had a realization of wanting to start studying it yet. I can't deny that it sounds nice when a kid calls me the teacher, though. And really, nothing compares to the feeling when you explain something to a child or a youngster and they have that moment of understanding.

 

YouTube - entertainer, therapist, battlefield

I listen to a lot of music in YouTube. At times I follow the video or the lyrics, but sometimes I just scroll down the page and read some of the comments people have left. I guess my taste in music has a direct connection to the kind of comments left there but it could also be because of the common age group that take the time to write a comment. I have observed the commenting patterns for a while now and here I give you a summary of what I've noticed.

This is purely based on my experiences and focuses mainly on popular pop songs that usually tell about love. Yeah, that describes probably every other hit song in the history of music. No, I haven't listened to all of them. The easiest to recognise are these four following groups. Not all of them can be seen in every video, they are just something I have gathered along the way.

First, not as common but still qualified as a group of mine, are the foreign commenters. They might have some grammar mistakes in their comments and they usually praise the song itself. These are not annoying or disturbing, they don't get disliked but they don't start a conversation either. They are cute and honest and they often mention the country that the writer is from.

The next group is the type of comment that can usually be found in very emotional songs, most likely when the subject is breaking up, loosing someone or missing someone. It describes a real-life lovestory and how badly it ended and how much it hurts. Written by both girls and boys, usually they point out the direct connection between some part of the lyrics and their own story. Almost every other of them expresses the desire to get back together with the loved one and nearly each of them is extremely desperate. I get that it can do good to write about your problems, but seriously guys, is the comment section of a YouTube video the best place to heal your broken soul? I am just asking. Creates a certain peer group for those who love the song, not necessarily irritating, sometimes even touching.

The third type is definitely annoying. These people take minutes of their precious time and type a comment, their sole purpose to whine about the quality of the video/ the quality of the sound/ the spelling mistakes in the lyrics. If it really bothers you so much, why can't you click on another video of the same song and move on with your life? These complaints gain answers from the person who uploaded the video apologising for it, which is like speaking to a deaf person apparently since people just keep complaining and finally, the video itself has a million of those annoying comments that pop up and where the maker verbally screams at people to shut up 'cause there's nothing they can do about the mistakes anymore. If it isn't good enough for you, make your own videos, damn it. 

The last type is just ridiculous but purely caused by the previous comment group. These comments complain about others' complaints. Do I really need to say more? If there's one comment that says for example: "The quality sucks, so does the tv-show the soudtrack of which this is, I am here for the song only", the following comments most likely are: "I am sorry for the quality" from the one who made it, followed by a minimum of ten comments like this: "How dare you say this show is bad?? It is my life, my everything and I love it with all my heart:" 
Right.

I am not trying to make fun of people who like commenting on YouTube videos or undermine the meaning of what matters to other people. A little sanity would be nice, though, and a common sense of what is appropriate to write and where. 

I chose to link this song now simply because it is beautiful. I have to add to my theme that very often reading the comments ruins the mood you get from the song, so I'd advice everyone to read them at their own risk.

Almost lazy

I could watch a movie. After 5 minutes I turned it off. I could go for a walk. Or not. I should look for a job. Nobody works on weekends, so neither will I. I'm hungry. I'll eat later. I want to do something fun. I ended up lying on the sofa. Somehow today's theme has been "I could, but I won't bother". Okay, fine. That is a pretty common theme nowadays.
 

Eye for an eye... or an apology?

Lately I have been watching the tv-series called Revenge. I just want to say that it is incredible. There are so many things that make you addicted to watching it. The plot has a new twist around every corner and the characters are really intriguing. A lot of free time and two complete seasons you can't stop watching sounds good, though I actually spent a little too much time watching them, since it didn't take long at all. Well, what's done is done and now I caught the American speed so I don't have the luxury of deciding to watch it whenever I want. Instead, I have to wait for a week for a new episode. Boring. Anyway, one reason that makes the series so good is that the main point in it is different from other series. The main character Emily has dedicated her entire life to revenging her father's death which for me is almost incomprehensible but at the same time makes perfectly sense. 

I have never been wronged in a way that would have left me a need to really get back at someone. Yeah, I've been hurt and angry at people. The truth is, though, that I am not a person who gets angry often. Annoyed, yes, and often. But I can't even imagine being so angry at someone that I'd want to destory them or make them suffer the way I did. I am simply too compassionate a person to want any harm to others. There have been times when it has crossed my mind, but the thought of hurting someone, even though they've hurt me, is just something I can't take. There's only one exception to that, and it is sparring in kickboxing trainings. Trust me, when someone throws a punch straight in your face, you go for blood. But in case I hit my target, I apologise, which proves my point. 

I don't see the point of making yourself feel better by causing that pain to someone else. Hitting another person doesn't heal my bruise, insulting somebody else doesn't take away the insult I had to take. I can't take pleasure in imagining a hurtful payback, instead, I feel their pain as well. There have been times when I have wanted not to feel like it and let the other one suffer. Due to my intolerance of guilt I forgive easily, but only if I know or hear that the other one is really feeling remorse over what they did or said. Forgetting is easier that forgiving.

 

 

White as snow, black as ebony

Kuopio, Finland this afternoon. Even though I was there and took this picture and I see this everytime I have a look out of the window, I still can't quite believe that it really looks like that out there. Especially when there's something so wrong in the feeling you get when you go out. From inside the house my first thoughts are like yay, Christmas is coming! But once I am outside, the atmosphere is totally changed and it almost feels like Easter is around the corner. That's when you realise what time of the year it actually is and how it doesn't feel like it at all.

However white or black the nature is, I had a disturbing realization. It is in fact over the middle of October and I have no idea where all the time went. I feel like the time is moving so fast but I am not moving with it. I do have moments when I catch up and ride the first wave of the present. But there are times when I get lost in doing nothing, robotically repeating the only ways I can think of to function at all in this episode of my life. The episode where I am waiting with unanswered questions, plans that aren't put into action yet, activities that I want but can't have. I am frustrated.

I know I could and I should and I can but all that takes effort and I sometimes struggle with seeing the point in making it. I know that being active is the only way to stay active, but I keep losing the balance. Nevertheless, getting stuck to one thing is always being stuck until you make a decision to change it. But the thing with decisions is that they're nothing until you make a decision to start executing it.
 

Smart & speedy & stupid?

Yeah, I get the point of drive-in fast food restaurants. It makes sense, you are in a hurry or don't want to waste time while you're traveling, so it is simple and easy to queue without leaving your car to be free to continue the journey immediately. Good food, better mood. Done that, proved it is efficient. Well, on Wednesday I saw something I had never seen before and it made me wonder how far are we willing to go to ease our daily activities. It was a drive-in pharmacy. Really? You are honestly too busy to get out of the car? Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually it doesn't even take that long to deal with your errands inside. Yeah I get the benefit of speed but still, I'd call that serious laziness. Maybe they should give free pills for that there as well. 
I heard them talking on the radio how it is possible to make a grocery list online and the store will send you the order. In some cases that is probably smart if you calculate the costs of home delivery versus the costs of gas and the time spent on the shopping trip. My concern is, however, if this will become a more common phenomenon in our society. Could it work and where? 

Well, now that I think about it, children's daycare system is already working with the same idea. You drive to the kindergarten, drop your kids and drive away. Yeah there are some messy parts included, like crying and bags and change of information and the kids' temper issues. But basically it isn't far from it. As for the new ideas, a drive-in clothing store would be a huge relief when you need some certain piece of clothing really badly and don't have the time or the energy to search for it in a million different stores. However, that idea is born dead since assuming that it would be a common system, the fashion industry would be useless. Besides, identity issues might increase drastically when everyone looked like they came straight from the assembly line.

What is too much then? Since it is possible to get your medicine by opening the car window, how about we imagine that the first stop on that road was a drive-in doctor's office. Well, based on the stories you sometimes hear when people complain about the health care system, that might even work. Seriously, it would be enough to have the microphone where you could explain your symptoms and then they'd guide you to one of the three places: one where you get cortisone, another with antibiotics and the last one with a recorded voice saying "we'll keep an eye on the situation".

A little exaggeration is always good to prove a point. This time the point is both the insanity of the subject I am writing about and the remark to doctors. To be fair, I admit that I don't need to use the services of our health care system very much so I am only talking about stories I've heard. No offense to those doctors who actually examine what's wrong and do something about it.

Appropriate to the theme, I guess.

 



 

Time heals all wounds, doesn't it?

Today I found something the existence of which I had totally forgotten. I am talking about my diary from a few years ago. I hesitated a while before opening it since, well, quite often you feel ashamed of the things you've done, said or written when you were a lot younger. I didn't expect to read the things I read there, I was so amazed by the content of it. It felt like the girl who wrote that was someone completely different than the girl I am today. I guess that's a good sign that some growth has happened, but I think I probably should get rid of that diary. I am no longer her and I don't want to be.

Looking back at the period of my life that I wrote the diary, I am really glad I did it. I definitely needed it back then. I was younger, more naive, didn't know much about life. I don't claim to be much wiser now, but at least I can see some things more clearly and put things into perspective. The girl who was about to start high school had just started to take her first steps into the real world, out of her comfort zone. Starting to become an adult, little by little, experience by experience. She was a dreamer, which hasn't completely changed, but now I build my dreams without the blindfold of naivety. She hoped to find something, to be something. 

Unlike how it might have seemed, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me. I had a lot of worries and thoughts, but I kept them all to myself. I have to admit, it hurt to read my own vulnerable words that were meant only for me. Is it possible to feel sorry for someone else who at the same time is myself?

One thing that surprised me was how little I remembered of it all. I mean, when I read my messy words I felt like I was right there in that moment once again, I could feel and remember them perfectly. But hadn't I found the diary, I wouldn't have thought those thoughts and remembered those events. Maybe it's healthy that your mind doesn't want you to keep thinking about hurtful memories but it still makes me wonder if I have simply dealt with the issues and moved on or just tried to forget. What made a bigger impact on me, though, was that instead of the bad memories I found my pondering over life's huge unanswered questions so deeply touching. Most of the bad things I believe I finally dealt with, but the simple, yet so truthful lines I wrote about how I see the world are still really close to my heart.

Around the time high school started, I had written a list with 20 goals that I want to achieve during the three years of high school. I was really surprised to notice that 18 of them really happened. I don't mind that I missed the two on the list that didn't happen 'cause I truly believe they have been replaced with much more valuable goals achieved. I am proud of managing to live up to my hopes about high school since not all of the goals were simple. 

My diary showed me my most sensitive side but it was also a reminder to be honest to myself. I was back then. As much as I'd like to, I can't say that I still always am. Who knows, maybe after many years I'll read this blog wondering how different my view of the world was and be happy that I have had something to rely on while growing up.

I want you to listen to this song purely because I think it is beautiful.

 

One step at a time

Today I walked ten kilometers. Yeah, just for fun. A few hours after that I drove to the same destination by car to pick up my sister form the bus stop and felt kind of stupid, since I had spent about 1,5 hours walking the route back and forth and then I drove it in 10 minutes. But time flies when you're having fun, they say, and that's what happened today, too. I went for that walk with my friend who lives near my home and we had her dog with us. We talked a lot so the journey didn't feel long at all. The dog might have disagreed, but lucky for us he couldn't do anything about it.

The thing with living in the countryside is that you can really walk 5 km along the road and you still don't see streetlights or much traffic (though we were amazed and a little annoyed when like 10 cars passed us, that is a lot of traffic around here). Instead, there are forests, lakes, fields and okay yeah, some houses. But you get a little peace and quiet (though I guess there wasn't even a moment of silence this time since I hadn't seen my friend in a long time). Hmm I just made a statement and undermined it right away. Twice... I could form a debate team of one! Anyway, it wouldn't be nearly as nice to walk in the city and see a house after another and you'd have to stop to wait for the traffic lights to turn green in every corner.

It is almost two months since the burning injury and I am really glad that I have finally been able to start doing sports little by little. Also, I think I'll go to sauna soon! It's a big deal for a Finnish person not to go to sauna in two months, especially since I usually go to sauna like three times a week. We'll see if I get a panic attack with flashbacks of boiling water on me or not. I hope not. However, I've always liked sauna so I am glad I can get it back in my life.

 

Beauty and a beat

They played this song on the radio a while ago already and I did like it then, but it wasn't until very recently that I really started to like it. I 'm not sure what is it that makes it so good, well of course it is quite cathcy and he sings incredibly well. I guess there is some attractive arrogance that just makes you want to hear it again and again. Basically what he sings isn't so special, he just wants to get laid but he manages to propose it in a really sweet, yet a little rude way. I also like the parts in the video when it seems like his movement is going back and forth the same thing but everything around him continues moving in normal time. Cool.

Kim Cesarion - Undressed

Sorry I couldn't put the video here like usually, don't know why but I just couldn't find it :o not my fault...

Dos son mejor que uno

Tengo un razón para volver a escribir en español. Estoy bastante segura que mis mejores amigos son los solos leyentes regulares y aunque me gusta saber que por lo menos algunos lean este blog, hay ocasiones cuando quiero escribir pero no quiero que mis amigos lo comprendan. Si son tan curiosos que pasan tiempo traduciendo este texto para saber lo que digo, podría declarar que merecen saber. De todos modos, el tema que quisiera tratar es la soledad. No estoy deprimida, no se preocupen. Pero poco a poco me he empezado a sentir que necesito la compañia de los otros más que he sabido.

Tengo una rutina diaria que atiendo casi todos los días. Me levanto a las nueve y paso el día con las mismas cosas; viendo la tele, caminando al aire libre o tejendo algo. Algunos días preparo la cena o limpio la casa. Y hago todo esto sin nadie alrededor de mí, mi solo compañero es mi peluche que es un pingüino. Sí, tengo diecinueve años y tengo un peluche pero lo entenderían si lo vieran.

Estoy tan alegre que voy a ver a mi amiga mañana porque ha pasado mucho tiempo desde que he visto a mis amigos. Sé que podría cambiar la situación pero a veces es muy difícil organizar momentos para ver a las amigas que no viven aquí. Sin embargo, no quiero ser un hermitaño. Cuando me mudo a la capital, voy a tener más oportunidades para eso, al menos así trato de convencerme.

Pasando los días sola tengo muchos beneficios como la paz, el silencio y la libertad de hacer lo que quiero pero hay una gran desventaja: no me gusta sentirme sola.

 

Quiero decirlo pero no encuentro las palabras

Ya hace meses que no estudio nada y sé que para mantener un buen nivel de esta lengua preciosa, tendría que leer y hablar mucho más. No quiero olvidar nada pero tengo que admitir que este texto tambíen va a tener tantos errores. Afortunadamente es posible continuar mis estudios de español en caso de que me acepten en la escuela. También quisiera empezar a estudiar francés pero el español siempre será mi favorito.

No tengo ninguna otra intención con esta entrada de blog excepto animar mi estilo aquí y molestar mi mente con demasiados pensamientos, por ejemplo cómo se conjuga este verbo y hay que usar el indicativo o el subjuntivo? Ahora que estoy desempleada tengo todo el tiempo en el mundo para hacer cosas que me gustan y decidí que quizás sea una buena idea escribir algo diferente. Además he pasado mucho (demasiado) tiempo viendo la tele y películas. Hoy pensé que tendría que hacer un plan de ejercicio porque si no tengo uno, no voy a hacer nada. Va a ser más fácil cuando vivo en la capital porque allí tendré acceso a gimnasios. Aquí en el campo sólo tengo los bosques y no me apetece salir en la oscuridad. 

Pues, ya hace casi una hora que estoy escribiendo este texto corto así que voy a terminar. Parece que tengo que practicar mucho más si quiero continuar a decir que sé español! 

Siempre me he gustado esta canción pero solo hace un poco que la escuchaba con la letra y me di cuenta de que es muy profundo. Antes sólo oía la melodía bonita. Disfruten!

Out with the old and in with the new

Once again when words are lost, music fills the silence.

Bitten by a dancing bug

I am in the mood to hit the clubs and go dancing. It has been way too long since I've had a good time with my friends drinking and partying. Damn, it's been forever since I've even seen my friends! I am basically just a little hermit here in the countryside, every day in sweatpants and without makeup, sometimes I don't even brush my hair. So, it is a luxury to wear jeans and go out with makeup to the city, which is a nice, refreshing change. But now I can't wait until the burning injury has healed enough that I can carelessly dance all night in a nice dress until it gets light outside again.

There is something in the air in a crowded nightclub where the dancefloor is full of people and the music is so loud you can't even think. Maybe that's the secret, you just simply cannot even hear your own thoughts. Or if you can, the liquid magic makes it easier to shut it down. So you can just let go and dance all your worries and stress away. I have been so adult lately with the camp leading and everything that I just want one crazy night. Is it too much to ask? Henna, beware, you're coming with me!

Okay, I have to admit that right now at the moment I am tired and would much rather go to bed than to a club but when the dancing mood hits, the only thing that can kill it (for a while) is the bass that vibrates through your whole body. 

A lot to tell but nothing to say

So music it is.

Lost and found

Last night after twenty minutes of consideration I decided to apply to universities of applied sciences to start studying in January. That definitely counts as one of the most spontaneous things I've done, since I guess I have a pretty good chance at getting in. However, I am still a little confused and overwhelmed that I actually did it. One factor that contributed to this solution were the 51 job applications without any luck, which was getting damned frustrating.

I am so proud of myself, though. Last night when I couldn't fall asleep due to the excitement, I realised that all my life I have put myself in a box of plans that I can't get out of. For the past few years when my future has been kind of a big issue to think about, I have had a clear vision of it all. I have decorated the box with all kinds of details and possibilities that at some point I stopped being that excited about living in it since I knew every single step of that way and I was already conditioned to it being my destiny. Yesterday and today I have realised that when the rejections in the summer smashed the box, I got free of that plan I couldn't let go of. And now, a simple thing like clicking a few buttons online might not seem special to anyone else, but to me it is something I've never done before. For once, I didn't plan it out for months and decide every single detail, I just went with what I felt at the moment. I have been holding on to this "ideal me" for so long without realising that I have changed. I am no longer stuck and that feels incredible.

So what, if I hate the studies or realise it is definitely not for me, at least I will have ruled that out. I am not losing anything, I am just experiencing. That's what I always say I want and I guess this is one of the really rare times I actually do something to get there. I can always choose something else and take another chance. I don't know if I'll end up in school in the beginning of next year but I believe that when the time comes, I will know what is the right thing for me.

 

Yellow, red, brown

Just a while ago it was still summer but now that I look outside the kitchen window on the right side of the table I am sitting by, I see trees that are glowing deep red, yellow and orange. It is almost miraculous how the pretty green can turn into various shades of burning fire so fast. I really like the nature in the fall, however, the weather usually sucks. I hate that it is + 5 in the morning and +15 during the day so it is impossible to wear the right clothes. The rain isn't nice either, but if I can stay in while it is raining, it is a perfect opportunity to organize my wardrobe or watch a movie wrapped in a blanket.

There is always something magical about this season, the atmosphere of waiting is in the air. When I was younger, it was always about school starting and new things to learn and experience, not to forget my birthday (which just doesn't have the same feeling now that I am older...). Especially this year I expected the fall to be really special. Well, the beginning hasn't been that exciting 'cause nothing really worked out like I planned. Nothing even happens. Although my expectations didn't turn to reality, I haven't still lost the feeling of looking forward to something that is going to happen. I can't really describe it in a way that makes sense. I just know that the fall has always meant a new beginning in some way, and I firmly believe my new beginning, the one that I need really badly, is going to come soon.

 
 

The beauty of being unemployed

I am hoping everyone gets the sarcasm of the title. It is sarcastic, at least mostly. There are benefits, of course, but mostly it sucks.

Thanks to the burning injury, I can't enjoy many of the perks of not having a job or any other daily responsibility. So what do I do every day? Well, today I knitted a woolly sock. It took about 6-7 hours. I did watch one two-hour movie while knitting, but otherwise I just sat on a sofa and knitted. I didn't have anywhere to be, anything to do so I thought I might as well just keep doing this. To my defence, in case someone is thinking I am like an old granny, the socks are light pink. Really cute, trust me. Besides that, I have had errands to run in the city a few times, so I am not isolating completely. However, almost every day I have to face a huge problem: can I find the energy to do something productive today or will i just take the easiest way and be lazy?

It is killing me to feel like I have no power over anything in my life right now. I cannot choose to start working. I am not allowed to do sports, I have nothing to study for, I am struggling everyday with myself 'cause I know I could use this free time wisely but I find it so hard to see the point in enjoying being free when it is not what I want and need. So, I end up watching three movies a day or staring at the computer screen all day long and before I notice, another day passes by. I know it sounds like I am just happily chilling out each day but that really is not the case. When I was in school and had some free time to watch a movie, it was really relaxing and enjoyable. I still like movies, but the watching experience is not the same when I have all the time in the world to do it. I don't do it to have a rest from something else, I am doing it to spend time.

I know I just write about the same stuff again and again, but this is my reality. Not a day goes by that I don't search the internet for any jobs available or worry about having no income whatsoever. It really is stressful. Being unemployed is so hard to deal with mentally and trust me, I have had to force myself to adapt to so many things lately that I feel like I can't take any more failures. This is just unfair, I have earned better than this. Nobody seems to really understand my situation, thinking they know better what my life is like 'cause they hear what I do everyday and think she has it easy, but nobody asks how I feel. 

Yesterday when I texted my friends that I didn't get a job I was interviewed for, one of them stated the irritating and frustrating truth: I am being tested this year. I'd better be damned tough and persistent when things start to work out, otherwise I'll just have to be angry at the world for being cruel. I am just completely fed up with being stuck in my own life.

Now what?

Well, now I am finished with all the jobs I had for this year. Before last weekend my situation was basically the same as now but with a huge exception: I had something to plan (a camp), a responsibility to fill, something to look forward to. And now it's over, so I am here at home thinking: what am I supposed to do now?

I have sent over 40 job applications and I check all the possible websites almost every single day. However, it seems so hopeless and feels damned frustrating to get no results whatsoever. I guess you really do nothing with high school education, since nothing is what I've got. I am just not used to failing like this, I have always been so hard-working and done my best in everything to succeed and to achieve goals with my efforts. I have always had it so planned out, and now I have no freaking idea when and if something will happen.

Yeah, yeah, I am doing my best staying positive but in case you've never been in my situation, you can't imagine what it feels like. I am ready to move out, start my independent life but no, I am stuck here. Don't get me wrong, I like having free time and watching three movies a day (oops.. even I admit that is kind of waste of time), but it is really hard to enjoy the freedom when you can't shake off the haunting feeling of uncertainty and fear. What if my life will stay the same for months more? 

There is one option I could spend my time with in case I don't find a job soon, which is called job experiment or something like that. The point of it is that you find a workplace that will take you there for a month or so and the social insurance institution of Finland pays you about half of the monthly salary. It is a way to support unemployed youngsters and to help them with their future career plans. That would be okay for me too, a little money is better than no money since I don't get any money from anywhere, but the only problem is that since we live in the countryside, I'd have to find a place in the city where my father works and that would take me for the same hours as my dad's so I could get a ride with him. Otherwise I might as well stay at home since the travel costs would eat my pay almost entirely.

So, all in all my life is kind of on pause, nothing's moving forward and since the burning injury I can't even do any sports yet. I can't wait to heal, I want to start working out 'cause I haven't done anything since the beginning of the summer. My only hope right now is to get some action and please, somebody give me a job.

 

Looking back and facing the future

I have 15 days left of my first year as an adult. It makes me look back on the previous year and say: wow. What a year. I really doubt it would be possible to fit more experiences and special events in one year than this past year has had, but I know this will be the most different year of my life so far. Time really flies, it feels like it was only a while ago when I rejoiced over the milestone achieved by visiting the liquor store. However, in reality more has happened between then and now than ever.

I want to give you a list of things I've learned this year, hoping I will be able take my own advice in the future challenges to come. These things are based on my personal experiences only, so they might not apply to everyone and to every situation but I think some of them could be useful.

1. Do not burn yourself. This is the latest incident that's happened to me, two weeks ago I accidentally poured boiling hot water on me. And well, it has not been so nice. First because of the pain and the difficulty in daily activities (like washing your hair) and now because the new skin is damned itchy. At least I managed to stay out of hospital for almost 19 years, which is a pretty good accomplishment, if you ask me.

2. Never give up. I have sent 43 job applications lately, with no luck, since I need to do something with this gap year, but I refuse to throw in the towel. I have to believe that one of these applications will be the one that gives me the permission to start packing my bags. So I will keep sending them. Tomorrow I have an appointment at the employment agency so maybe that will make something happen.

3. Be spontaneous. Life is much more exciting and eventful if you sometimes take a chance or let go of your old habits. I have done some independent decisions with my life for the first time ever and it has felt so good. I am finally old enough to do what my heart tells me to, instead of always asking for my parents' permission first. 

4. Life is not fair but you have to accept it. I really thought I'd get into a university and I definitely thought I deserved it, but I guess there's something else I'm supposed to do now. I did feel defeated and like all my efforts were for nothing for a while, but it wasn't possible to see the good until I accepted the facts. I guess it also had something to do with waking up from being overly self-confident, I thought I'd nail the entrance exams even with a little less studying but that wasn't the case.

5. Be happy about the little things. Since I have been at home basically for seven months now because the school ended in February, I spend most days here in the countryside. In sweatpants, without make-up. One day I realised it had been two days since I had brushed my hair the last time. So, it makes me really cheerful to dress up nicely and go to the city for once. Also, a shower after a week of really inconvenient arrangements to get kind of clean felt like heaven after the burning-incident.

6. Believe in yourself. I was the leader of a camp this summer for the first time ever and even though I was really excited, I was really nervous about it. I worried about how the workers would take my orders or if my leading skills would be enough. I couldn't have done it without the help from others and our democratic ways, but I learned that if I have the responsibility, I am allowed to make my own desicion and stick to them. Responsibility includes the right to have your way.

7. Celebrate when there is a reason for it. The first half of the year 2013 was filled with nostalgic partying with school friends. We conquered the land and the sea (literally) with joy and alcohol, drawing attention by celebrating in the city dressed up as aliens and pirates and tigers and beer bottles. And then, after a little work we celebrated our freedom. What was the most important part of those celebrations, was being carefree and not stressing about the work still left or the insecurity of our futures. It was about the moment and nothing else.

8. You don't have to do it all alone. Ask for help. If you have a good friend, trust them, because nobody can go through this life keeping all the thoughts inside them. Talking to someone about your problems helps more than I can tell, at least if the people you talk to truly understand you. I have learned this lesson the hard way, I took it to the point when I couldn't take it anymore and the emotions took control but it was such a cleansing feeling to get it out of my system. A slumber party (camp-version) was exactly what I needed, thank you my wonderful friends! :)

9. Make choices so that you can look back and say you're proud of what you've done. I can't say I've made the best choices all the time, I could have spent a few more nice evenings with my friends instead of studying, but at least I can be proud of my achievements. I have done things I could have left undone and that I am not so proud of, but those moments are the ones that teach you something. However, I have no regrets about the biggest decisions I've made this past year and I am proud that I have made them independently and worked for them.

10. It's okay not to be okay. Life isn't perfect, sadness and pain are a part of the deal. Failing isn't nice, but you are allowed to be disappointed. Having to do things you don't want to can be harder than you'd ever imagine and it is okay to feel bad about them. It goes both ways; celebrating is in place when there is a reason, but when the time comes, you need to face the reality with its downsides, too. You don't always have to be strong, you don't always have to put up a mask of a happy smile and jokes if you're in fact hurting inside. You see, it is possible that you start to believe your own show too well, which is when the denial becomes your worst enemy. Don't avoid your feelings; they can tell the truth better than anything.