Yesterday was weird. Probably just because I sort of forgot to eat and drink and in that mixture of sleep deprivation and hangover I wrote the crappiest essay of my entire life. Seriously, when your brain does.not.work do not try to produce anything that will be graded. I'm just saying. Usually I am a master of coming up with competent-sounding bullshit but this time it was only a load of crap, no competence included.
Oh, well. I can't always do everything right. It would be boring then. However, Thursday evening and night was probably the best one in a very long time, since we sang, ate something else than kinkkukiusaus at sitsit and bonded with some of our classmates. All the signs for a good year are in the air.
Also, a lot of dirt is in the air. Figuratively, as the dirt is actually on my floor. Somehow, knowing I'll move out soon has made me completely ignore a tiny little activity called cleaning. Now it's sort of too late as my room is filled with boxes and bags and I have just formed these little routes to get around in here. It got interesting when I turned off the lights last night and I had to try to find my bed without hitting anything. Succeeded, by the way.
lauantai 13. joulukuuta 2014
torstai 11. joulukuuta 2014
Vacation activities
Somehow I am experiencing a very similar feeling at the moment as already twice before this year. I am packing my stuff into boxes and bags once again to change my address. When I moved here, to this apartment, I guessed it wouldn't be for long but somehow I am amazed by the fact that I am doing this again already now. It is not the same, though; this time I don't change my environment completely, the distance to the new place is only under three kilometers instead of hundreds of them and I don't feel the same enthusiasm of starting over.
I am, though. Starting over. A new beginning with all its possibilities, as a new year begins in a new home, with new roommates and a new mindset.
It is easier to pack now, however. Not anymore is it an emotional process of changing the direction, it is just stuffing things into boxes for a practical reason. I also have a better conception of what I own and how I should pack it, which means I do it a lot faster. Besides, I have so much to think about, other than moving, that it is just a rather annoying, yet sort of pleasing activity that must be done. It will be interesting to see how it feels to leave this mess of boxes behind for a couple of weeks and to return to what is basically an empty apartment. Relieved, hopeful, excited, determined; I hope.
Although my Christmas break began yesterday, I don't really feel the relief yet. I still have a paper to write, a portfolio to compile and two books to read, which basically means that my vacation is only a break from going to the university every day, not so much a break from work. However, tonight I will not worry about anything, not about packing, not about studying, not about the things that have bothered me for weeks, I am going to relax in a good company. Sitsit, here I come. Seven deadly sins, wrath, kickboxing outfit. Do I need to say more?
I am, though. Starting over. A new beginning with all its possibilities, as a new year begins in a new home, with new roommates and a new mindset.
It is easier to pack now, however. Not anymore is it an emotional process of changing the direction, it is just stuffing things into boxes for a practical reason. I also have a better conception of what I own and how I should pack it, which means I do it a lot faster. Besides, I have so much to think about, other than moving, that it is just a rather annoying, yet sort of pleasing activity that must be done. It will be interesting to see how it feels to leave this mess of boxes behind for a couple of weeks and to return to what is basically an empty apartment. Relieved, hopeful, excited, determined; I hope.
Although my Christmas break began yesterday, I don't really feel the relief yet. I still have a paper to write, a portfolio to compile and two books to read, which basically means that my vacation is only a break from going to the university every day, not so much a break from work. However, tonight I will not worry about anything, not about packing, not about studying, not about the things that have bothered me for weeks, I am going to relax in a good company. Sitsit, here I come. Seven deadly sins, wrath, kickboxing outfit. Do I need to say more?
keskiviikko 10. joulukuuta 2014
Untitled
Don't wake me up, I can't get back to the dream
What if reality is not better yet
I only know what I want, not what I need
What if I want something I don't need and I need something I don't want
How do I enjoy something if it will end anyway
I did everything right, did I
Will I?
maanantai 1. joulukuuta 2014
Too much on my plate but I am still hungry
I'm almost there. I've almost overcome the stress load for this term, only the finish line needs to be crossed. The best view comes after the hardest climb, and for me that view is driving to the safe haven of home for a much deserved Christmas vacation. I am under so much pressure now; however, I am myself the one who set it over me.
What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. Keeping this in mind I embrace this week filled with Christmas parties and fun, as well as tons of studying. First and foremost, I have to mention tomorrow. Our student association's Christmas party, my Christmas party, is tomorrow and my mind is about to explode thinking about all the things I have to remember to bring and all the responsibilities I have. I do not stand alone in this, thank god, but I desperately want it to be perfect so everyone will have a good time. And I don't even want to settle to that, I want to blow them away with what we have been able to create in a month and with a tiny budget. A perfectionist such as me, it is not simple to organize something I am very passionate about. All this planning, lists I've made, meetings held, equipment shopping trips, budget calculations, dress hunting and endless expectations are coming to an end tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. I just want to have it all so figured out that I can relax and enjoy tomorrow night, so that it will all be worth it.
I am extremely glad I will be surrounded by friends this week 'cause even though most of my time will be spent with them, hanging out in a Christmas spirit, I feel like after this week I will have given all I have to socially offer. In that sense there is a nice balance, pressure to provide something both socially and academically, as we get to the huge pile of stress aka assignments to finish. I just wrote a list of things I have to do before January and it includes three 4-page essays, three smaller essays, a large portfolio with the papers I have produced this term and evaluation of my progress as well as two books for a history exam.
Nice and easy, huh? That's what I meant by deserving the vacation. I am not complaining in the sense that I do not want to do any of that, though, I complain about having all the deadlines almost at once.
Now that I got all this out of my head and in this post, I feel a steady calmness mixed with confidence. We're going to kill it tomorrow, it'll be perfect, I'm going to finish all my duties both socially and educationally in time so that I can proudly say I did it. I know I will.
After all, it is this simple: Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. Keeping this in mind I embrace this week filled with Christmas parties and fun, as well as tons of studying. First and foremost, I have to mention tomorrow. Our student association's Christmas party, my Christmas party, is tomorrow and my mind is about to explode thinking about all the things I have to remember to bring and all the responsibilities I have. I do not stand alone in this, thank god, but I desperately want it to be perfect so everyone will have a good time. And I don't even want to settle to that, I want to blow them away with what we have been able to create in a month and with a tiny budget. A perfectionist such as me, it is not simple to organize something I am very passionate about. All this planning, lists I've made, meetings held, equipment shopping trips, budget calculations, dress hunting and endless expectations are coming to an end tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. I just want to have it all so figured out that I can relax and enjoy tomorrow night, so that it will all be worth it.
I am extremely glad I will be surrounded by friends this week 'cause even though most of my time will be spent with them, hanging out in a Christmas spirit, I feel like after this week I will have given all I have to socially offer. In that sense there is a nice balance, pressure to provide something both socially and academically, as we get to the huge pile of stress aka assignments to finish. I just wrote a list of things I have to do before January and it includes three 4-page essays, three smaller essays, a large portfolio with the papers I have produced this term and evaluation of my progress as well as two books for a history exam.
Nice and easy, huh? That's what I meant by deserving the vacation. I am not complaining in the sense that I do not want to do any of that, though, I complain about having all the deadlines almost at once.
Now that I got all this out of my head and in this post, I feel a steady calmness mixed with confidence. We're going to kill it tomorrow, it'll be perfect, I'm going to finish all my duties both socially and educationally in time so that I can proudly say I did it. I know I will.
After all, it is this simple: Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
maanantai 24. marraskuuta 2014
Here I go again
I can't believe it, finally things are starting to go the way I have wished for so long. I just found out I got an apartment from the city center and I am so thrilled I cannot probably sleep tonight. It is incredibly close to everything, especially the very center, the university and my friends! First finding the perfect little black dress and now this, it's been a lucky few days!
I will have a decrease in rent to be paid and an increase in the number or roommates and definitely in quality of life! Everything is turning out perfectly.
I am so excited that it's ridiculous.
I will have a decrease in rent to be paid and an increase in the number or roommates and definitely in quality of life! Everything is turning out perfectly.
I am so excited that it's ridiculous.
lauantai 22. marraskuuta 2014
Little black dress
The excruciating hunt is finally over. I found it. The perfect little black dress.
Never have I felt this classy before, The Dress hanging in my closet, trying on red lipstick and doing my hair up on a chic braided bun, low on the back of my neck.
Perfection. Elegance. Christmas.
Never have I felt this classy before, The Dress hanging in my closet, trying on red lipstick and doing my hair up on a chic braided bun, low on the back of my neck.
Perfection. Elegance. Christmas.
torstai 20. marraskuuta 2014
My faith in humanity has been restored
I came home, went to the elevator and my neighbor, who I've barely ever seen even by a glimpse, was sitting on the floor and changing winter tires to a yellow bike-thingy where you have a sidecar in front of it for kids. He greeted me with a big smile (and not only because what he was doing looked a bit ridiculous), and after I had pushed the elevator button, we talked about putting up Christmas lights. He told me he'd put Christmas lights to the bike as well. It was so nice.
Allright, society. Maybe there's more to you than I gave you credit for.
Allright, society. Maybe there's more to you than I gave you credit for.
Algo diferente
Tantas veces he pensado que podría escribir algo en español pero hasta ahora no lo he hecho. Es tan fácil hablar de temas en inglés porque sé muchas más palabras especiales en esa lengua pero ahora que tengo los estudios básicos de español en la universidad, creo que ya es hora de que empiezo a practicar lo mismo en esta lengua también.
Estoy en mi apartamento, acabo de terminar algunos ejercisios para la próxima clase de grámatica y nieva afuera. Estoy escuchando a canciones de Navidad pero lo he hecho desde Octubre así que no estoy haciendo nada excepcional. No íba al clase esta mañana porque tenía que lavar mi pelo (yo sé, no es un pretexto myu bueno) pero he tenido una semana loca y necesitaba un momento para mí mismo. No sé como es posible que tengo tantos deberes esperando que los hago y no queda ni tres semanas antes de las vacaciones de Navidad. Voy a ser muy estresada cuando sea el tiempo de ir a casa pero afortunadamente tengo casi un mes para relajarme.
Porque tarda tanto tiempo producir un texto en español, ya no puedo continuar esbribiendo esto porque tengo que ir a una clase de inglés. Trato de escribir algo más sensible el próximo vez, lo prometo.
Estoy en mi apartamento, acabo de terminar algunos ejercisios para la próxima clase de grámatica y nieva afuera. Estoy escuchando a canciones de Navidad pero lo he hecho desde Octubre así que no estoy haciendo nada excepcional. No íba al clase esta mañana porque tenía que lavar mi pelo (yo sé, no es un pretexto myu bueno) pero he tenido una semana loca y necesitaba un momento para mí mismo. No sé como es posible que tengo tantos deberes esperando que los hago y no queda ni tres semanas antes de las vacaciones de Navidad. Voy a ser muy estresada cuando sea el tiempo de ir a casa pero afortunadamente tengo casi un mes para relajarme.
Porque tarda tanto tiempo producir un texto en español, ya no puedo continuar esbribiendo esto porque tengo que ir a una clase de inglés. Trato de escribir algo más sensible el próximo vez, lo prometo.
sunnuntai 16. marraskuuta 2014
Something is wrong with our society
I know Finnish people can be a bit reserved at times, but friendliness should be more than acceptable alternative to cold, polite(?) ignorance. I just came into my building after a walk with a friend, in a good mood after very nice conversations. Then a family, who I've bumped into a few times before, stepped in the elevator with me. They said vaguely hi, which I answered in a much nicer manner. Then their kid said something cute and I made a nice, friendly comment to them all. That comment of mine lead to a complete silence in the elevator, which made the rest of the journey very uncomfortable even for the very brief moment it lasted. Not a smile, not even a glance to my direction. Nothing.
I am kind of pissed at the moment, since I thought we were better than that. I get that I do not know them and maybe the kids were a little intimidated by a stranger saying something to them but come on, when did it become a social norm in our society that friendliness among neighbors is basically work of the devil? Did it occur to the kids' dad that by behaving like there's nobody else in the elevator since I am basically a stranger (and I am not even a total stranger, I've met them several times before) teaches his kids that it's better to ignore other human beings than to be friendly. No wonder why the issue of social exclusion is so common since these people live in a vicious circle of behavior that will make it inevitable.
A smile, a greeting, even bad Finnish small talk about the weather would be nice sometimes. I have had occasional bus stop conversations with very nice people, which has always made me feel a little better since communication with other human beings tends to do that and even though a chat with an old drunkie in Pasila is not what I am specifically referring to, at least they were very friendly. I even got a smile.
Damn it, people, get your shit together and be nice to one another. That's all I'm asking.
I am kind of pissed at the moment, since I thought we were better than that. I get that I do not know them and maybe the kids were a little intimidated by a stranger saying something to them but come on, when did it become a social norm in our society that friendliness among neighbors is basically work of the devil? Did it occur to the kids' dad that by behaving like there's nobody else in the elevator since I am basically a stranger (and I am not even a total stranger, I've met them several times before) teaches his kids that it's better to ignore other human beings than to be friendly. No wonder why the issue of social exclusion is so common since these people live in a vicious circle of behavior that will make it inevitable.
A smile, a greeting, even bad Finnish small talk about the weather would be nice sometimes. I have had occasional bus stop conversations with very nice people, which has always made me feel a little better since communication with other human beings tends to do that and even though a chat with an old drunkie in Pasila is not what I am specifically referring to, at least they were very friendly. I even got a smile.
Damn it, people, get your shit together and be nice to one another. That's all I'm asking.
lauantai 15. marraskuuta 2014
tiistai 11. marraskuuta 2014
Trying to be real for once
Somehow I've felt like I need some extra motivation this week for generally just making it, although my week is socially very active and interesting. A little fall depression, maybe? That is why I was looking through some quotes about motivation and this one struck me very strongly. I think I finally scratched the surface of the problem I'm struggling with today while I was having an excellent conversation with my friend (thanks darlin'!), which is my inability to face reality truthfully with all the expectations from the past and for the future. I find it hard to accept that I have to accept my reality and enjoy it with my eyes wide open, not in the fantasy world where everything works out juts like I imagined, even if the expectations will turn out completely different or won't come true at all.
“Face reality as it is, not as it
was or as you wish it to be.”
perjantai 7. marraskuuta 2014
No time is ever good enough
Waking up this morning to see the white ground and snowflakes silently falling down, the atmosphere of waiting for Christmas was so tangible in the air. Add a few Christmas songs to the scene and it was exactly what these two months before the big celebration are about - waiting. But why do we get the excitement always from waiting for things to happen?
When something really fascinating happens, of course we find joy and excitement in that moment, I'm not saying I don't enjoy reality. However, it seems like in very many parts of life we are constantly waiting for something. I am a living proof of that, my older posts are very strongly about waiting for my own, independent life to start but now that it has started, do I enjoy it to the fullest or do I keep waiting for the next big step? It is the same with Christmas; we get tuned to the atmosphere for two months for what, a few days? It is indeed worth waiting for but somehow it still feels like we might lose something while we have our minds set on that certain event in the future.
In the spring kids wait for their summer vacation, in August they wait for school to start again. We wait for a reply to a text from a special person so eagerly we cannot concentrate on anything else. We wait for the next day only to wish it'd be already over. Constantly waiting for something is a much bigger part of our lives than we'd think and the question is whether we only live through something to wait for. Living in the moment is extremely hard, especially when the moment you have now does not have the certain feeling, atmosphere, event or person you want the most.
When something really fascinating happens, of course we find joy and excitement in that moment, I'm not saying I don't enjoy reality. However, it seems like in very many parts of life we are constantly waiting for something. I am a living proof of that, my older posts are very strongly about waiting for my own, independent life to start but now that it has started, do I enjoy it to the fullest or do I keep waiting for the next big step? It is the same with Christmas; we get tuned to the atmosphere for two months for what, a few days? It is indeed worth waiting for but somehow it still feels like we might lose something while we have our minds set on that certain event in the future.
In the spring kids wait for their summer vacation, in August they wait for school to start again. We wait for a reply to a text from a special person so eagerly we cannot concentrate on anything else. We wait for the next day only to wish it'd be already over. Constantly waiting for something is a much bigger part of our lives than we'd think and the question is whether we only live through something to wait for. Living in the moment is extremely hard, especially when the moment you have now does not have the certain feeling, atmosphere, event or person you want the most.
sunnuntai 2. marraskuuta 2014
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...
My friends and I started to listen to Christmas songs about two weeks ago. Nothing can compare with a dark, cold evening, a cup of tea and Michael Bublé on the background. I cannot wait to get home, dig up a book full of Christmas songs and start playing them on piano. I think I will have to bring it here with me, I've played those songs every year since October and now that I can't it feels very odd.
Besides waiting for snow and Christmas, I'm super excited about our subject's student association's Christmas party that I am organizing with a classmate. It will happen on 2nd of December and we will make it perfect; we are planning on creating the perfect Christmas atmosphere with lights and candles and elegance and ahh, simply perfection. It's going to be a black and white party, so every single guy will look handsome in suits and every single girl will be beautiful, which is a nice change after all these costume parties we've had so far.
Although I know planning a party with this precision is going to be a lot of work, especially since we are really thinking through every tiny detail but I am happy I've got something to be this excited about. Besides, if the event is a success, I will be so proud of us two. Especially since previous years these Christmas parties have not turned out so well. This year it's gonna be mind-blowingly perfect. Maybe I'm building this up a bit too much, but who cares. I can't wait!
Mentioned Christmas now seven times in this short text, which is very solid a proof of my current state of mind.
Besides waiting for snow and Christmas, I'm super excited about our subject's student association's Christmas party that I am organizing with a classmate. It will happen on 2nd of December and we will make it perfect; we are planning on creating the perfect Christmas atmosphere with lights and candles and elegance and ahh, simply perfection. It's going to be a black and white party, so every single guy will look handsome in suits and every single girl will be beautiful, which is a nice change after all these costume parties we've had so far.
Although I know planning a party with this precision is going to be a lot of work, especially since we are really thinking through every tiny detail but I am happy I've got something to be this excited about. Besides, if the event is a success, I will be so proud of us two. Especially since previous years these Christmas parties have not turned out so well. This year it's gonna be mind-blowingly perfect. Maybe I'm building this up a bit too much, but who cares. I can't wait!
Mentioned Christmas now seven times in this short text, which is very solid a proof of my current state of mind.
tiistai 28. lokakuuta 2014
Work hard, play hard
How come all the school work comes in short periods of time when you're first drowning under a massive workload and then you hang out for a week without anything to do, starting to miss activities and routines? That is the most odd phenomenon I've encountered lately, never before has it been this visible. There are some vague bits in between when life is normal but why does the rest have to go to such excessive ends?
Last week was exam week, aka vacation. From Monday to Wednesday I was more or less surrounded by assignments but then I went home and did nothing. And today, only two days into the second period, I am drowning in work again. Every deadline has been announced so it feels like tons of work, though I managed it last period almost without noticing. Besides, I like almost everything I am studying at the moment, it is just a lot of work.
Funny, how this same thing is going on in social life in addition to the studies. It seems like there are times when all kinds of new, exciting or scandalous things are happening at once and then there's a long period of nothing, only focusing on studies and your own stuff and nothing special is going on. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. But I sure hope that this Thursday will be one of those eventful nights, since it's our Magna Carta's Halloween party! We are supposed to wear something scary and I guess my costume is a bit more sexy than scary but I thought nobody would mind. It's Halloween, after all. Nobody expects us to be decent, physically, mentally or costume-wise.
Now that I've spent the evening being a hard-working university student, I will reward myself with two hours of perfection, The Notebook is on at 9pm. Ah, can't wait!
Last week was exam week, aka vacation. From Monday to Wednesday I was more or less surrounded by assignments but then I went home and did nothing. And today, only two days into the second period, I am drowning in work again. Every deadline has been announced so it feels like tons of work, though I managed it last period almost without noticing. Besides, I like almost everything I am studying at the moment, it is just a lot of work.
Funny, how this same thing is going on in social life in addition to the studies. It seems like there are times when all kinds of new, exciting or scandalous things are happening at once and then there's a long period of nothing, only focusing on studies and your own stuff and nothing special is going on. Maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. But I sure hope that this Thursday will be one of those eventful nights, since it's our Magna Carta's Halloween party! We are supposed to wear something scary and I guess my costume is a bit more sexy than scary but I thought nobody would mind. It's Halloween, after all. Nobody expects us to be decent, physically, mentally or costume-wise.
Now that I've spent the evening being a hard-working university student, I will reward myself with two hours of perfection, The Notebook is on at 9pm. Ah, can't wait!
maanantai 20. lokakuuta 2014
Quote of the day
“We’re all a little weird. And life
is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is
compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually
satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
―
Robert
Fulghum, True
Love
lauantai 11. lokakuuta 2014
Roses and alcohol
That pretty much sums up the most important events recently. Today has been the first day since I moved to Jyväskylä when I have woken up in the morning and I don't have to go anywhere and I love it. I don't think I could have taken much more of being constantly going somewhere, today has been exactly what I needed. Well, I wrote a five-page paper about state funding versus tuition fees for university for my academic writing class, which took about five hours, but all in all it has been about relaxing. I noticed a funny thing with that assignment, though. I made a list of all the assignments and homework I have to do and I actually did start with the only one that I knew was going to take forever and would totally melt my brain. But this way, I only have stuff tomorrow that will be quickly done. Well done, me.
Okay, so the roses. Last Saturday I was playing piano at the wedding of my brother-in-law-to-be's brother (hahahah still so funny) and it was such a beautiful wedding and I had a blast. Everyone liked my playing and I looked totally stunning, even if I say it myself. I should probably start making a bit more effort on a daily basis as well, especially since I caught the bouquet! This obviously means that I'll find my prince charming from the campus within a year since I heard something about it having to happen within a year from catching the bouquet but that's fine by me. More than fine, actually.
On to the booze. Strongly related to the previous topic, though, even if it might not always be the best idea. On Thursday we had sitsit, which is an academic party where we sit by long tables and drink, sing and eat. In this order, literally. I had a blast, I laughed and sang so much and got to talk to some people I haven't talked with that much yet. During one evening I managed to speak Finnish, English, Swedish, Spanish, Russian, Estonian and probably a few other languages. That can speak for itself. Spanish was fun, though, never knew I can actually speak it when I've had a few drinks. So had the other part of the conversation, though, so I don't really know if it made any sense after all.
I ended up going to sleep at 3.30 am setting the alarm to wake me up three hours later so I wouldn't miss my information and communication technology-lesson and I woke up pretty sure I hadn't really slept at all and was still a bit drunk. However, image processing and power point presentations were not too hard (neither a good enough reason to get up, to be exact, but it's a little too late for that) and after two other lessons I got to hang out with my mom who came to visit me. Funny, how when I go home it is still my home but when she comes to my place, she's a visitor. Never really thought of that before.
Anyway, sitsit was such a fantastic experience we'll do it again next Thursday. Almost my entire family will come visit the following day so I gotta try to get a little bit more sleep than the first time. But, what can you do when you are out there having fun, singing karaoke, gaining student life experiences and bonding with your new friends, go to sleep? Hell no.
Okay, so the roses. Last Saturday I was playing piano at the wedding of my brother-in-law-to-be's brother (hahahah still so funny) and it was such a beautiful wedding and I had a blast. Everyone liked my playing and I looked totally stunning, even if I say it myself. I should probably start making a bit more effort on a daily basis as well, especially since I caught the bouquet! This obviously means that I'll find my prince charming from the campus within a year since I heard something about it having to happen within a year from catching the bouquet but that's fine by me. More than fine, actually.
On to the booze. Strongly related to the previous topic, though, even if it might not always be the best idea. On Thursday we had sitsit, which is an academic party where we sit by long tables and drink, sing and eat. In this order, literally. I had a blast, I laughed and sang so much and got to talk to some people I haven't talked with that much yet. During one evening I managed to speak Finnish, English, Swedish, Spanish, Russian, Estonian and probably a few other languages. That can speak for itself. Spanish was fun, though, never knew I can actually speak it when I've had a few drinks. So had the other part of the conversation, though, so I don't really know if it made any sense after all.
I ended up going to sleep at 3.30 am setting the alarm to wake me up three hours later so I wouldn't miss my information and communication technology-lesson and I woke up pretty sure I hadn't really slept at all and was still a bit drunk. However, image processing and power point presentations were not too hard (neither a good enough reason to get up, to be exact, but it's a little too late for that) and after two other lessons I got to hang out with my mom who came to visit me. Funny, how when I go home it is still my home but when she comes to my place, she's a visitor. Never really thought of that before.
Anyway, sitsit was such a fantastic experience we'll do it again next Thursday. Almost my entire family will come visit the following day so I gotta try to get a little bit more sleep than the first time. But, what can you do when you are out there having fun, singing karaoke, gaining student life experiences and bonding with your new friends, go to sleep? Hell no.
maanantai 6. lokakuuta 2014
Always, always, always read the manual first
The last thing I needed today was a kitchen disaster. Well, apparently I trust my technological skills way too much since I thought I will manage the use of a blender without reading the manual first. Boy, how wrong was I.
I started happily adding my ingredients; a little yoghurt, some berries, apple jam, nettle seeds... Then I turned the blender on and everything was fine for a while. However, seconds into my attempt to make smoothie, I noticed a pink stream of my special mix flooding to the table. What made an even bigger mess, though, was trying to clean it up since it took quite a while to find the source of the smoothie bleeding. There was yummy pink stuff everywhere.
So, what happened was that I hadn't made sure that all the parts were tightly in their place, which made the smoothie start leaking through the machine. After cleaning up the mess and carefully testing a new round, I managed to finish it (20 minutes later than I thought it would take). As I thought that now it's over, finally, I found out that to my great delight, the blender cup did not fit into my fridge.
And the glass level was stuck so I couldn't put it lower. Probably due to a previous soup disaster where I discovered my fridge full of soup instead of only one can full of soup after the frozen soup had melted.
I give up. Technology, (or whatever I could call these attempts with machines), you win.
I started happily adding my ingredients; a little yoghurt, some berries, apple jam, nettle seeds... Then I turned the blender on and everything was fine for a while. However, seconds into my attempt to make smoothie, I noticed a pink stream of my special mix flooding to the table. What made an even bigger mess, though, was trying to clean it up since it took quite a while to find the source of the smoothie bleeding. There was yummy pink stuff everywhere.
So, what happened was that I hadn't made sure that all the parts were tightly in their place, which made the smoothie start leaking through the machine. After cleaning up the mess and carefully testing a new round, I managed to finish it (20 minutes later than I thought it would take). As I thought that now it's over, finally, I found out that to my great delight, the blender cup did not fit into my fridge.
And the glass level was stuck so I couldn't put it lower. Probably due to a previous soup disaster where I discovered my fridge full of soup instead of only one can full of soup after the frozen soup had melted.
I give up. Technology, (or whatever I could call these attempts with machines), you win.
tiistai 23. syyskuuta 2014
Daily life
Exactly a year ago my days consisted of sleeping late, choosing a movie to watch, watching it and repeating that a few times. It seems like it was forever ago, but it has been a year. However, it is hard to believe that it has already been a year. My life has changed so much since that time. There's so much more in it now.
My days now consist of waking up not-so-early but not-very-late, walking or riding a bike to school (3 kilometers), a full day of lectures, sometimes a bit less, taking the trip back home, eating, studying and going to sleep. Of course there are short periods when I watch television or do the laundry or wash the dishes ordo sports something else obligatory in order to keep my apartment in order and my mind from exploding. I really do not even have time to do sports. Not an excuse this time, believe me or not.
I am not complaining, though. Yeah I have damned much work to do, far more than I anticipated. Still, this time it feels like I have a purpose in this. I am not just trying to pass time like I felt in Helsinki, I am here for a goal of getting my degree and going to work. Besides, everything that I am studying now is challenging enough but not too hard, which is what motivates me to actually do everything.
As I am a person who always has to gather some extra activities when I already have a lot on my plate, I have been dealing with two camps and two piano playing gigs + practising alongside this all. The last gig, the final must-do-thing will be soon so I will be free to hmm, I don't know, RELAX for a while. Or take up a new extra-curricular activity to keep me busy until Christmas vacation.
I have noticed something else, too. I am not so critical of myself anymore. I do not have the attitude towards studies that I have to be the best, I have to do my best. I do not have to try to impress anyone, if something is meant to happen, it will. I do not have to go out if everyone else does, I can decide for myself based on what I really want. Maybe I am growing up.
My days now consist of waking up not-so-early but not-very-late, walking or riding a bike to school (3 kilometers), a full day of lectures, sometimes a bit less, taking the trip back home, eating, studying and going to sleep. Of course there are short periods when I watch television or do the laundry or wash the dishes or
I am not complaining, though. Yeah I have damned much work to do, far more than I anticipated. Still, this time it feels like I have a purpose in this. I am not just trying to pass time like I felt in Helsinki, I am here for a goal of getting my degree and going to work. Besides, everything that I am studying now is challenging enough but not too hard, which is what motivates me to actually do everything.
As I am a person who always has to gather some extra activities when I already have a lot on my plate, I have been dealing with two camps and two piano playing gigs + practising alongside this all. The last gig, the final must-do-thing will be soon so I will be free to hmm, I don't know, RELAX for a while. Or take up a new extra-curricular activity to keep me busy until Christmas vacation.
I have noticed something else, too. I am not so critical of myself anymore. I do not have the attitude towards studies that I have to be the best, I have to do my best. I do not have to try to impress anyone, if something is meant to happen, it will. I do not have to go out if everyone else does, I can decide for myself based on what I really want. Maybe I am growing up.
perjantai 19. syyskuuta 2014
Twenty-something category
Feels weird to have my age start with number 2 instead of 1. This is totally new to me. As a tribute to my life experience so far I decided to write a list of 20 things I have learned during these past three weeks since it is kind of another milestone. Three weeks of university studies feel to have gone incredibly fast.
This list is a perfect description of what we've been doing here.
1. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the waves! Britons never, never, never shall be slaves!
2. Yesterday's information and communication technology lesson's greatest teaching: the babies and the cats died, the bunny didn't.
3. Subject complemets, object complements, locative complements. Too many of them.
4. I finally learned the grammatical explanation for when accent marks are used in Spanish. The explanation I knew so far was "just because this word has it". Maybe it wasn't just part of high school syllabus.
5. My imagination can be very disturbingly creative under pressure of time limits. Say hi to the inventor of surgical equipment for elves and the Rat Woman.
6. The sight of a full fridge at home is like heaven. I have an entire fridge to myself, so you can imagine how much of its content is filled with food and how much with only the light.
7. Taking a selfie with random people without them knowing they're in it until they realize it themselves is a good way to start a conversation.
8. As an English student, some things just simply cannot be expressed in Finnish anymore.
9. History is not as boring as I've always thought.
10. Nothing is more annoying than realizing you have a flat tire in your bike.
11. The campus is filled with attractive guys. Especially the sports building.
12. You may never know how unexpected acquaintances you meet on campus.
13. You'd never have expected a course to start by group discussion on "where can you find computers?" Seriously, come on. We're adults. This is ridiculous.
14. First you have a backpack in primary school, then you refuse to use one in junior high and high school 'cause bags are cool but university makes you see the brilliance of a backpack. I wouldn't survive without one. Mine's super cute, as well.
15. You can go speed friending here. Isn't that awesome? Speed dating minus the goal of dating, that's creative, indeed.
16. We drink wine with our teachers wearing superhero / Hogwarts costumes. How cool is that?
17. I will be spending 6 to 12 months somewhere far. Madrid is my top choice at the moment and probably will continue to be.
18. Being messed up alone is kind of sad, being messed up together only strengthens the friendship.
19. I do not always have to be the one volunteering for everything. These people are so similar that someone is bound to volunteer themselves even before I start considering whether I should or not.
20. I will be damned sophisticated in five years!
This list is a perfect description of what we've been doing here.
1. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the waves! Britons never, never, never shall be slaves!
2. Yesterday's information and communication technology lesson's greatest teaching: the babies and the cats died, the bunny didn't.
3. Subject complemets, object complements, locative complements. Too many of them.
4. I finally learned the grammatical explanation for when accent marks are used in Spanish. The explanation I knew so far was "just because this word has it". Maybe it wasn't just part of high school syllabus.
5. My imagination can be very disturbingly creative under pressure of time limits. Say hi to the inventor of surgical equipment for elves and the Rat Woman.
6. The sight of a full fridge at home is like heaven. I have an entire fridge to myself, so you can imagine how much of its content is filled with food and how much with only the light.
7. Taking a selfie with random people without them knowing they're in it until they realize it themselves is a good way to start a conversation.
8. As an English student, some things just simply cannot be expressed in Finnish anymore.
9. History is not as boring as I've always thought.
10. Nothing is more annoying than realizing you have a flat tire in your bike.
11. The campus is filled with attractive guys. Especially the sports building.
12. You may never know how unexpected acquaintances you meet on campus.
13. You'd never have expected a course to start by group discussion on "where can you find computers?" Seriously, come on. We're adults. This is ridiculous.
14. First you have a backpack in primary school, then you refuse to use one in junior high and high school 'cause bags are cool but university makes you see the brilliance of a backpack. I wouldn't survive without one. Mine's super cute, as well.
15. You can go speed friending here. Isn't that awesome? Speed dating minus the goal of dating, that's creative, indeed.
16. We drink wine with our teachers wearing superhero / Hogwarts costumes. How cool is that?
17. I will be spending 6 to 12 months somewhere far. Madrid is my top choice at the moment and probably will continue to be.
18. Being messed up alone is kind of sad, being messed up together only strengthens the friendship.
19. I do not always have to be the one volunteering for everything. These people are so similar that someone is bound to volunteer themselves even before I start considering whether I should or not.
20. I will be damned sophisticated in five years!
tiistai 9. syyskuuta 2014
Information flood has killed my inspiration for titles.
Well, I've lived here in Jyväskylä for a bit over a week now and I've been way too busy to write. I literally haven't had enough hours in a day to do it. So now that it is all starting to calm down, I can write down some thoughts.
Leaving Helsinki was really weird. I didn't quite realize I left for good until a while ago that I started connecting this place to my "home". However, I am happy with the change since this city feels more warm (literally as well since it's been almost +20 these past days) and friendly.
I was so nervous about the first day. Soon I noticed how nice my classmates seemed and I felt so relieved that I had been afraid of stupid things. Now that we've been closely together for a week I can say I have got to know many of them much better and we even have a WhatsApp-group which means I've made friends! I found people who are similar to me so we enjoy spending time with each other.
Last week I basically left at 9am and returned at 9pm and I was entirely exhausted so a weekend of camp activities couldn't have come at a better time. Besides, I got leftover food so I'm covered for this week!
The courses started yesterday with an interesting aspect since my first lesson was in Spanish, next one in English and the last one in Finnish. I received the right to study Spanish as a minor subject, yippee! I had to take a test and almost half of us didn't get it. But well, now that I got it, my year will be spent learning about grammar, language study, academic writing, the history of the English-speaking world, Spanish and pedagogical themes. Seems like I'll be a lot wiser next spring!
Some highlights: we talk in English with each other even with Finnish teachers, which I like a lot! History-teacher is a really sweet Hungarian lady, who managed to keep my interest level up the entire two-hour lecture. I drew a horse and had to write "a horse" next to it to clarify what it is and laughed so much with my new friend. I have cursed the "Brooklyn Bridge" of Kuokkala a hundred times already but I still love my neighborhood with the lake view and the trees.
Now that I've managed to do some laundry as well and have clean clothes to go on with, I will finish this and relax for a while before another exciting day full of learning about the university life and the English-speaking world today, since that is the course I'll be attending tomorrow.
Confusing and not at all organized and structured as I'll be required to write in class. To be continued.
Leaving Helsinki was really weird. I didn't quite realize I left for good until a while ago that I started connecting this place to my "home". However, I am happy with the change since this city feels more warm (literally as well since it's been almost +20 these past days) and friendly.
I was so nervous about the first day. Soon I noticed how nice my classmates seemed and I felt so relieved that I had been afraid of stupid things. Now that we've been closely together for a week I can say I have got to know many of them much better and we even have a WhatsApp-group which means I've made friends! I found people who are similar to me so we enjoy spending time with each other.
Last week I basically left at 9am and returned at 9pm and I was entirely exhausted so a weekend of camp activities couldn't have come at a better time. Besides, I got leftover food so I'm covered for this week!
The courses started yesterday with an interesting aspect since my first lesson was in Spanish, next one in English and the last one in Finnish. I received the right to study Spanish as a minor subject, yippee! I had to take a test and almost half of us didn't get it. But well, now that I got it, my year will be spent learning about grammar, language study, academic writing, the history of the English-speaking world, Spanish and pedagogical themes. Seems like I'll be a lot wiser next spring!
Some highlights: we talk in English with each other even with Finnish teachers, which I like a lot! History-teacher is a really sweet Hungarian lady, who managed to keep my interest level up the entire two-hour lecture. I drew a horse and had to write "a horse" next to it to clarify what it is and laughed so much with my new friend. I have cursed the "Brooklyn Bridge" of Kuokkala a hundred times already but I still love my neighborhood with the lake view and the trees.
Now that I've managed to do some laundry as well and have clean clothes to go on with, I will finish this and relax for a while before another exciting day full of learning about the university life and the English-speaking world today, since that is the course I'll be attending tomorrow.
Confusing and not at all organized and structured as I'll be required to write in class. To be continued.
torstai 28. elokuuta 2014
One more night
Sort of freaking out in a good way right now. I just want to fall asleep so I could wake up, get my stuff and get out. My new life and future career awaits!
Tomorrow's moving day!
Tomorrow's moving day!
keskiviikko 27. elokuuta 2014
Soon
Here I am,
sitting in my apartment where there's a small clear space in the
middle and everything else is packed up in boxes and bags. Somehow it
still feels amazingly unreal that I really am leaving this part of my
life behind and turning a page to a whole different era. The sky is
flashing with lightnings and thunder, if I didn't knew it was a storm
it'd be pretty close to the effect of the huge Olympic stadium
concert of Finland's biggest rap artist the other night. I
saw him, by the way, at the official afterparty in a nightclub where
we actually shouldn't and couldn't have been but well, life happens.
I
didn't think it would make me so happy to start packing but it did.
Piece by piece, item by item I've got closer to closing the door
behind me to an empty room and saying goodbye to Helsinki for now.
Maybe even forever. Looking at the course descriptions and the
pictures of my new apartment, I get more and more excited about
starting the university.
Turning
the page also means I have to start from the beginning once again,
get to know new people, form bonds that again, hopefully last for a
lifetime, create a life that I am happy with. So many possibilities
that I can choose from, since this time I know it is my thing for
real.
I
went to my old school yesterday to get my friend, and the weirdest
thing about it was to notice that even though I was gone, nothing had
changed. I felt different about it, I was different since I was no
longer a part of it and everything had just kept moving like nothing
happened. I belong somewhere else now.
lauantai 9. elokuuta 2014
What's going on?
I've been having a summer break from writing as well, apparently. It's stupid 'cause I should be relaxing but somehow I've been really busy all the time. Funny, isn't it? When you have time to take it easy, you definitely will not have time to take it easy.
Well, since my last post I've managed to do quite a lot. I got an apartment from my new hometown and I am so excited about moving and the beginning of university. However, I've been making a list of things to do while I am still in the capital. I've been to a summer theater, enjoyed family time with my whole family, done a little shopping, started running again and tried to get a tan. Just a few days ago we started to gather the berries, which takes forever... I've practised playing the piano since I will go and play at a wedding in October, which I am really excited about as well. I'll play all kinds of cool songs, including the themes of Game of thrones, Pirates of the Caribbean and Twilight. And the couple is practically family since the groom is my someday-to-be brother-in-law's brother, right? I just had to write that sentence, I just had to. On top of that I've dealt with all kinds of paperwork which is the most annoying thing ever. I don't like it, I have to admit. Could someone else just sort out all the applications and forms for me?
I thought I wouldn't go to school before September but well, it turns out that my time will come on Tuesday. Not as a student, though, but as a teacher. I got a job for next week to substitute the 5th grade teacher since he's on a paternity leave so the kids will have me instead. I take on the challenge with excitement and a little bit of fear.
Two weeks left here at home in the perfect summer paradise that I have loved since my childhood, then it's time to go and pack up my life and start it all over again.
Well, since my last post I've managed to do quite a lot. I got an apartment from my new hometown and I am so excited about moving and the beginning of university. However, I've been making a list of things to do while I am still in the capital. I've been to a summer theater, enjoyed family time with my whole family, done a little shopping, started running again and tried to get a tan. Just a few days ago we started to gather the berries, which takes forever... I've practised playing the piano since I will go and play at a wedding in October, which I am really excited about as well. I'll play all kinds of cool songs, including the themes of Game of thrones, Pirates of the Caribbean and Twilight. And the couple is practically family since the groom is my someday-to-be brother-in-law's brother, right? I just had to write that sentence, I just had to. On top of that I've dealt with all kinds of paperwork which is the most annoying thing ever. I don't like it, I have to admit. Could someone else just sort out all the applications and forms for me?
I thought I wouldn't go to school before September but well, it turns out that my time will come on Tuesday. Not as a student, though, but as a teacher. I got a job for next week to substitute the 5th grade teacher since he's on a paternity leave so the kids will have me instead. I take on the challenge with excitement and a little bit of fear.
Two weeks left here at home in the perfect summer paradise that I have loved since my childhood, then it's time to go and pack up my life and start it all over again.
perjantai 18. heinäkuuta 2014
Days 7 & 8 - Exhilaration & exhaustion
Not having time to write about yesterday definitely indicates that we all had a busy day. We woke up way too soon, in the middle of the wildest dreams and managed to get into our bus (registration plate appropriately VIP) that took us to our destination, the monastery of Lintula. Such a beautiful place!
On the way back we announced roles for the wedding that would take place that evening. Everybody got one and we had everything from Finnish trash celebrities to the leader of our eastern neighbor. The wedding itself was a lot of fun, though nobody really listened in the sense of learning since they were concentrating on each others goofy appearances.
I am glad we had so much fun activities that day since I had some personal struggles. Not getting a job I really wanted and having to deal with some people who operates on the very opposite wavelength than me caused me unnecessary trouble and turned my mood down a bit. The bright side is that I pulled through everything thanks to the great support of my team and dear friends. I also learned about myself and my ability to do the appropriate thing when all I wanna do is hit someone. I barely ever have situations where I am simply so frustrated and annoyed that I can't take it anymore and now afterwards it is very interesting to wonder my own reactions.
I would have wanted to sleep the little time I had left after the final night's crying and singing but well, the girls just had to try to run just when I was falling asleep. The result was only four hours of sleep, dozens of mosquito bites and an exhausted, easily irritated leader.
Today has been mostly about cleaning up the camp center and trying to wrap up the camp time in a good way. I have struggled through tiredness and responsibilities and I cannot even tell how relieved I am. When the bus left, I got tears in my eyes just because it was over, I did it, we did it, I could finally let the stress go and rest.
On the way back we announced roles for the wedding that would take place that evening. Everybody got one and we had everything from Finnish trash celebrities to the leader of our eastern neighbor. The wedding itself was a lot of fun, though nobody really listened in the sense of learning since they were concentrating on each others goofy appearances.
I am glad we had so much fun activities that day since I had some personal struggles. Not getting a job I really wanted and having to deal with some people who operates on the very opposite wavelength than me caused me unnecessary trouble and turned my mood down a bit. The bright side is that I pulled through everything thanks to the great support of my team and dear friends. I also learned about myself and my ability to do the appropriate thing when all I wanna do is hit someone. I barely ever have situations where I am simply so frustrated and annoyed that I can't take it anymore and now afterwards it is very interesting to wonder my own reactions.
I would have wanted to sleep the little time I had left after the final night's crying and singing but well, the girls just had to try to run just when I was falling asleep. The result was only four hours of sleep, dozens of mosquito bites and an exhausted, easily irritated leader.
Today has been mostly about cleaning up the camp center and trying to wrap up the camp time in a good way. I have struggled through tiredness and responsibilities and I cannot even tell how relieved I am. When the bus left, I got tears in my eyes just because it was over, I did it, we did it, I could finally let the stress go and rest.
torstai 17. heinäkuuta 2014
Day 6 - Party people
Awesome! My feelings are up to the roof right now, the day has been probably the most successful so far. The morning started with a liturgy, after which we had our normal camp activities. What felt like really soon, the dreaded part of the day, parents' visit, began with a beautiful service. To my surprise the evening went more smoothly than ever, a huge thanks is in order to my amazing team! Parents enjoyed it and we had fun.
One of my favorite moments of a camp is always the ask the priest-lesson. We had it in the church, everyone had written down questions about anything and everything. I found out some new things that I had always wondered but never known, which was very nice. Speaking of favorite moments, the lesson was followed by the biggest and most memorable event, disco!
Our trick succeeded perfectly. We told them that we have a visitor from Kuopio to tell us about some boring stuff, and they totally bought it. When we went to the main building to hear her lecture, the lights had been switched off and the music started to play. The amazement and confusion on their faces was priceless. We partied for a while, ate, had some games and slowly danced as a big circle to Celine Dion's My heart will go on and we did it, we made them cry!!! Happy tears this time and that's what tells us we did something right.
Now I have nothing more to say, except that I am really starting to feel relief and happiness that we have managed to provide the youngsters a time of their life they will remember for a long time. All this means that I have to have succeeded as the leader at least a little! I can look back at the past week and point out things I would have done differently but I also see where I have grown from last year's camp. I am grateful that I was given this chance and I want the parish and the people who work there to know that I appreciate their trust in me.
One day and a half left, hopefully everything will keep going the way it is right now and we can have a perfect ending to an exceptionally functional camp!
One of my favorite moments of a camp is always the ask the priest-lesson. We had it in the church, everyone had written down questions about anything and everything. I found out some new things that I had always wondered but never known, which was very nice. Speaking of favorite moments, the lesson was followed by the biggest and most memorable event, disco!
Our trick succeeded perfectly. We told them that we have a visitor from Kuopio to tell us about some boring stuff, and they totally bought it. When we went to the main building to hear her lecture, the lights had been switched off and the music started to play. The amazement and confusion on their faces was priceless. We partied for a while, ate, had some games and slowly danced as a big circle to Celine Dion's My heart will go on and we did it, we made them cry!!! Happy tears this time and that's what tells us we did something right.
Now I have nothing more to say, except that I am really starting to feel relief and happiness that we have managed to provide the youngsters a time of their life they will remember for a long time. All this means that I have to have succeeded as the leader at least a little! I can look back at the past week and point out things I would have done differently but I also see where I have grown from last year's camp. I am grateful that I was given this chance and I want the parish and the people who work there to know that I appreciate their trust in me.
One day and a half left, hopefully everything will keep going the way it is right now and we can have a perfect ending to an exceptionally functional camp!
tiistai 15. heinäkuuta 2014
Day 5 - Death around every corner
That sounds bad, I know. However, it is only appropriate considering the theme of the day. Today we have dealt with the issues of death and ethics. We also had a fake funeral for my dear friend who had a pretty bad Midsummer with her husband...
I have had a lot more energy today and the difference is huge. I am my cheerful self again, I have been wandering around the camp center talking with everyone and laughed at them since I hid an immunity idol here somewhere, in the Survivor spirit, and they are having trouble finding it. I did a good job! The immunity idol does not help you stay at the camp longer, we're not kicking anyone out, it provides you with the first turn to take food at the next five meals. That's pretty valuable, if you ask me.
We also started a game called Murderer, which has once again proved not to work properly among 15-year-olds. It is just too damn hard to keep your mouth shut and not tell anyone who you're about to murder and whether you're dead or alive. Some of them are in it 100 % which makes me happy. We'll have our winner by the end of the camp!
Only three days remain and tomorrow we'll deal with our biggest challenge yet organizing-wise, since it is the day when parents come visit. My team and I will try to cope with 161 people for a few hours, after which we'll all be exhausted. But we're getting closer and closer to the moment of saying we did it! so I cannot complain.
This day has made me turn my thoughts a little bit back to myself and my own life, especially listening the ethics lesson and wondering if I want to go talk with our priest alone in Idon'tknowwhatitisinEnglish but kind of the catholic confession situation, it's just a little different in our church.
I wish it was easy to face your own realities but sometimes I have to give in and admit I'm a coward.
I have had a lot more energy today and the difference is huge. I am my cheerful self again, I have been wandering around the camp center talking with everyone and laughed at them since I hid an immunity idol here somewhere, in the Survivor spirit, and they are having trouble finding it. I did a good job! The immunity idol does not help you stay at the camp longer, we're not kicking anyone out, it provides you with the first turn to take food at the next five meals. That's pretty valuable, if you ask me.
We also started a game called Murderer, which has once again proved not to work properly among 15-year-olds. It is just too damn hard to keep your mouth shut and not tell anyone who you're about to murder and whether you're dead or alive. Some of them are in it 100 % which makes me happy. We'll have our winner by the end of the camp!
Only three days remain and tomorrow we'll deal with our biggest challenge yet organizing-wise, since it is the day when parents come visit. My team and I will try to cope with 161 people for a few hours, after which we'll all be exhausted. But we're getting closer and closer to the moment of saying we did it! so I cannot complain.
This day has made me turn my thoughts a little bit back to myself and my own life, especially listening the ethics lesson and wondering if I want to go talk with our priest alone in Idon'tknowwhatitisinEnglish but kind of the catholic confession situation, it's just a little different in our church.
I wish it was easy to face your own realities but sometimes I have to give in and admit I'm a coward.
maanantai 14. heinäkuuta 2014
Day 4 - Can't even come up with a title to describe the day.
I had to check my previous post to remember which day it is. I don't really know what to write about this day so this was a basic camp day, nothing special, nothing bad. We did have a christening where Mickey Mouse was renamed Anna Maro, which was pretty fun. But now that I try to think back to today, I can't come up with anything extraordinary. Youngsters are having fun though, which is good.
I hope I didn't jinx myself with yesterday's text since today I had a bad evening. I was just annoyed by everything and at times I could almost see steam coming out of my ears. I had my reasons, though, so it wasn't just any random crankiness.
However, my mood turned better a little later after a few exchanges of frustration and I started to laugh and smile again. Old camp stories always help!
That's it for today I guess. Didn't have any enlightening moments of realization related to leadership or anything. I did participate in a few games, though, which was fun! I gotta balance the responsibilities somehow.
This text is boring and useless and blaah but who cares. Tomorrow we'll deal with death so hopefully I'll be more cheerful then!
I hope I didn't jinx myself with yesterday's text since today I had a bad evening. I was just annoyed by everything and at times I could almost see steam coming out of my ears. I had my reasons, though, so it wasn't just any random crankiness.
However, my mood turned better a little later after a few exchanges of frustration and I started to laugh and smile again. Old camp stories always help!
That's it for today I guess. Didn't have any enlightening moments of realization related to leadership or anything. I did participate in a few games, though, which was fun! I gotta balance the responsibilities somehow.
This text is boring and useless and blaah but who cares. Tomorrow we'll deal with death so hopefully I'll be more cheerful then!
Day 3 - It's allright
There are always days at camps you just can't really remember afterwards and this has been one of them. Everything's starting to fall into place, youngsters have pretty much adapted and workers are doing their basic jobs. Nothing bad to say, nothing wonderful to say. We've managed to avoid more complications and situations to handle which lets us enjoy the normal camp life for a while.
This day has seemed to last twice as long as days in general. Several times we have wondered that yes, it still is Sunday! Three days behind, five ahead. Camp atmospheres go almost always without exceptions at a pace of rapid growth in the beginning, a steady couple of days and the final growth to the climax of the last day and a half. We're getting to the steady part, which is the time that strengthens the bonds between youngsters and workers but also makes us drop all pretenses and be genuinely ourselves. That sometimes can lead to small conflicts, tiredness, crankiness or bad days but since camps are part of life, it is normal.
If I was to point out some moments of realization and worthy of reminiscence, I'd mention our activity where groups toured from point to point to execute tasks related to the themes of altruism, co-working and difficulties of life. I got to brush up my Spanish when my colleague and I pretended to be strangers lost in a forest speaking different languages. They thought we'd gone insane but we had a blast!
This is the first time I am really exhausted, not that I have sleep deprivation or anything but I've just used all my energy. We'll see what tomorrow brings!
To be continued...
This day has seemed to last twice as long as days in general. Several times we have wondered that yes, it still is Sunday! Three days behind, five ahead. Camp atmospheres go almost always without exceptions at a pace of rapid growth in the beginning, a steady couple of days and the final growth to the climax of the last day and a half. We're getting to the steady part, which is the time that strengthens the bonds between youngsters and workers but also makes us drop all pretenses and be genuinely ourselves. That sometimes can lead to small conflicts, tiredness, crankiness or bad days but since camps are part of life, it is normal.
If I was to point out some moments of realization and worthy of reminiscence, I'd mention our activity where groups toured from point to point to execute tasks related to the themes of altruism, co-working and difficulties of life. I got to brush up my Spanish when my colleague and I pretended to be strangers lost in a forest speaking different languages. They thought we'd gone insane but we had a blast!
This is the first time I am really exhausted, not that I have sleep deprivation or anything but I've just used all my energy. We'll see what tomorrow brings!
To be continued...
sunnuntai 13. heinäkuuta 2014
Day 2 - Ups and downs
I'm trying hard to remember both sides of today, not only the downs. In the morning I felt like everything was perfectly balanced, the youngsters have formed tight groups surprisingly fast, which on one hand basically facilitates our job but on the other hand causes worries to those of them who don't adjust so easily which causes worries to us.
Definitely the most up-part was the amazingly organized and executed Käpyjuhlat, at the end of which we had 35-ish wet and (hopefully) laughing youngsters. It was a total success that was very close to perfection. I have to give some credit (again) to my amazing team of workers who manage to cope with anything the circumstances throw at them, which was really measured this evening.
The biggest challenge of leadership is making decisions when the decision isn't simple or easy. What is crucial at a moment like that is patience. I need to take my time thinking about the best possible solution before I open my mouth. When I am the leader, others look up to what I say and that's why I need to know what I am saying. It might not seem like a big deal, but it is one of the hardest things of my job description. Tiny print between the lines. Good thing I read it.
Now that I think clearly after a few pauses in brain activity, I understand that all the downs of the day are not as bad as they felt like earlier. Every situation was dealt with delegating responsibilities and excellent thoughtfulness from my team. There will not be a problem we can't solve, I will keep that in mind continuing the camp. All in all, it has been a good, educating day for all of us and I honestly think a few of us just matured a little bit only due to the events of the day. My team is what keeps this camp together, and it is a carefully chosen choice of a word. Team, that's what I hoped we'd become and that's the only way to keep us from going insane. Thanks guys already!
Definitely the most up-part was the amazingly organized and executed Käpyjuhlat, at the end of which we had 35-ish wet and (hopefully) laughing youngsters. It was a total success that was very close to perfection. I have to give some credit (again) to my amazing team of workers who manage to cope with anything the circumstances throw at them, which was really measured this evening.
The biggest challenge of leadership is making decisions when the decision isn't simple or easy. What is crucial at a moment like that is patience. I need to take my time thinking about the best possible solution before I open my mouth. When I am the leader, others look up to what I say and that's why I need to know what I am saying. It might not seem like a big deal, but it is one of the hardest things of my job description. Tiny print between the lines. Good thing I read it.
Now that I think clearly after a few pauses in brain activity, I understand that all the downs of the day are not as bad as they felt like earlier. Every situation was dealt with delegating responsibilities and excellent thoughtfulness from my team. There will not be a problem we can't solve, I will keep that in mind continuing the camp. All in all, it has been a good, educating day for all of us and I honestly think a few of us just matured a little bit only due to the events of the day. My team is what keeps this camp together, and it is a carefully chosen choice of a word. Team, that's what I hoped we'd become and that's the only way to keep us from going insane. Thanks guys already!
perjantai 11. heinäkuuta 2014
Camp diary, Day 1
Trying to be smart before it's too late, I will try to write a diary of the camp I am working at to be able to return to these memories and maybe learn from them. Also, this part of my life is something I think my friends haven't ever really got to know so here's a chance for them to understand better how I spend my summers.
Toilets, sauna, accommodation, cleaning, delegate. Kiosk, groups, games, program, delegate. Rules, customs, instructions, questions, information...
After arriving yesterday to the beautiful camp center of Puroniemi, my mind has been playing a continuous list of things to do and instructions to give. Almost all of the practical matters are in my hands, which is a huge responsibility. I have taken it with gratitude but also trying to be merciful to myself since I know that organizing eight days full of activities for 55 people will not happen without a flaw somewhere at some point. Preparations and shared excitement were yesterday's task which lead us to today, the arrival of the youngsters and the beginning of our week-long camp.
Now that the day has come to its end, I can finally take a deep breath and congratulate myself and the others. My wonderful, innovative and energetic workers made it an excellent, successful day. What dominated this day was clearly sharing of information and getting to know each other through many different kinds of games. As a result, after only a few hours into our camp everyone was laughing, talking and participating. Better than average, I'd say! I can't believe that I remember almost all of the 37 new names already...!
What I noticed to be the key to a successful beginning was clarity. Proper preparations with time and delegating tasks is more important than one might think at first. As a leader I tried to make sure everyone was on track with all the relevant aspects there is to work at a camp as well as what these next seven days will hold. I am organized and it was of huge advantage today and yesterday since it is basically what keeps the wheels going here.
Props to our priest who hasn't worked at a camp like this in over thirty years, he seems to understand perfectly what it takes to create a educating experience while having fun. And I actually think he let our night guard win in their arm wrestling match... I have no bad words to say about our staff, I honestly feel like I made the right calls with these people.
With great enthusiasm I approach tomorrow, which will apparently include a dance group Käpyhuulet and some black magic... Camp christening is coming! Also, tomorrow we will set the daily routine of services, meals, games and lessons. Now I will go to sleep to be able to keep this busy mind from exploding for working overtime! Hahah I am basically at work for 24 hours a day so such a term as working overtime doesn't exist here... Oh,well.
Toilets, sauna, accommodation, cleaning, delegate. Kiosk, groups, games, program, delegate. Rules, customs, instructions, questions, information...
After arriving yesterday to the beautiful camp center of Puroniemi, my mind has been playing a continuous list of things to do and instructions to give. Almost all of the practical matters are in my hands, which is a huge responsibility. I have taken it with gratitude but also trying to be merciful to myself since I know that organizing eight days full of activities for 55 people will not happen without a flaw somewhere at some point. Preparations and shared excitement were yesterday's task which lead us to today, the arrival of the youngsters and the beginning of our week-long camp.
Now that the day has come to its end, I can finally take a deep breath and congratulate myself and the others. My wonderful, innovative and energetic workers made it an excellent, successful day. What dominated this day was clearly sharing of information and getting to know each other through many different kinds of games. As a result, after only a few hours into our camp everyone was laughing, talking and participating. Better than average, I'd say! I can't believe that I remember almost all of the 37 new names already...!
What I noticed to be the key to a successful beginning was clarity. Proper preparations with time and delegating tasks is more important than one might think at first. As a leader I tried to make sure everyone was on track with all the relevant aspects there is to work at a camp as well as what these next seven days will hold. I am organized and it was of huge advantage today and yesterday since it is basically what keeps the wheels going here.
Props to our priest who hasn't worked at a camp like this in over thirty years, he seems to understand perfectly what it takes to create a educating experience while having fun. And I actually think he let our night guard win in their arm wrestling match... I have no bad words to say about our staff, I honestly feel like I made the right calls with these people.
With great enthusiasm I approach tomorrow, which will apparently include a dance group Käpyhuulet and some black magic... Camp christening is coming! Also, tomorrow we will set the daily routine of services, meals, games and lessons. Now I will go to sleep to be able to keep this busy mind from exploding for working overtime! Hahah I am basically at work for 24 hours a day so such a term as working overtime doesn't exist here... Oh,well.
lauantai 5. heinäkuuta 2014
Summertime happiness
I wake up to the brightness of my room and get up before the alarm. A cup of coffee, a bowl of cereals. I put my black shoes on, the ones that leave a cross-shaped tan line. I press the elevator button and wait. I see my reflection. Sunglasses, hair tied up on the top of my head. Flowers in my shirt, appropriate to the season. I step in a tram and watch the same familiar buildings go by. I switch to another one to get to my destination.
A crowd. The market place is full of multinational people wandering between the tables. I hear words of English, Spanish, Russian, Swedish. I join the colorful mass.
Sun shines bright and I choose to walk instead of waiting seven minutes. Trees form shadows on the sidewalk and I walk slowly. A tiny boutique filled with beautiful, interesting decorating items on the left. I walk in and admire the selection. Not buying anything I continue ahead.
The center is more busy so I automatically increase my speed. Not really planning to, I walk in to a store. A tram ride back, hungry.
A tuna salad, fresh and light. I switch on the computer, take out an envelope from the drawer on my right side. Fill the papers, university attendance confirmed. My sister sends a text, she got engaged. A moment of astonishment. Words can't describe how happy I am for her. Nothing can ruin this day.
A crowd. The market place is full of multinational people wandering between the tables. I hear words of English, Spanish, Russian, Swedish. I join the colorful mass.
Sun shines bright and I choose to walk instead of waiting seven minutes. Trees form shadows on the sidewalk and I walk slowly. A tiny boutique filled with beautiful, interesting decorating items on the left. I walk in and admire the selection. Not buying anything I continue ahead.
The center is more busy so I automatically increase my speed. Not really planning to, I walk in to a store. A tram ride back, hungry.
A tuna salad, fresh and light. I switch on the computer, take out an envelope from the drawer on my right side. Fill the papers, university attendance confirmed. My sister sends a text, she got engaged. A moment of astonishment. Words can't describe how happy I am for her. Nothing can ruin this day.
perjantai 27. kesäkuuta 2014
sunnuntai 8. kesäkuuta 2014
Write it down
I love making lists. I don't know what it is about them that makes me so excited to write them but it is something I've always liked. Maybe it is the best way to be organized and I love being organized so I love making lists.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of making a gigantic, massive list of what to pack. It was a very special list, so I even typed it on computer, created several categories of home, orienteering event, camp and wedding. Home-list was the main one, others just complemented it with items that are necessary for only those occasions. It was a lot of fun. Making such a huge list has to be started early, since there are bound to be several things you don't think of initially so you add them later when they pop in your head. I've done quite a few additions already. Can't wait to start packing, 'cause then I get to check the items packed and then the list has served its purpose and it is finished.
I sound completely crazy, like a total control freak. Maybe I am. But there's nothing anybody can do or say about it so I don't care.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of making a gigantic, massive list of what to pack. It was a very special list, so I even typed it on computer, created several categories of home, orienteering event, camp and wedding. Home-list was the main one, others just complemented it with items that are necessary for only those occasions. It was a lot of fun. Making such a huge list has to be started early, since there are bound to be several things you don't think of initially so you add them later when they pop in your head. I've done quite a few additions already. Can't wait to start packing, 'cause then I get to check the items packed and then the list has served its purpose and it is finished.
I sound completely crazy, like a total control freak. Maybe I am. But there's nothing anybody can do or say about it so I don't care.
perjantai 6. kesäkuuta 2014
A normal day
A walk around Töölönlahti Bay in the morning heat, a little sunbathing and cooking something new and quite delicious made my day. It's been a good one, now I've got a few left before I go back home for the exciting orienteering event where I can put my language knowledge to a test serving customers in a shop. I'll enjoy a relaxing midsummer with my family, start the camp-summer with my first job and celebrate my cousin's wedding at the end of the month. So much to look forward to!
The downside is I'll have to pack half of my belongings since I'll be on the road for three weeks. But after that, I'll soon know what my future looks like and I can't wait! This is honestly the first time I've thought of the results in a week, probably, and I'm happy I've managed to keep my promise and not to think about it.
Haven't seen the film from which the song is from, maybe I should... Instead I've been watching the new Sherlock series, damn it's good! Gotta love his humor.
The downside is I'll have to pack half of my belongings since I'll be on the road for three weeks. But after that, I'll soon know what my future looks like and I can't wait! This is honestly the first time I've thought of the results in a week, probably, and I'm happy I've managed to keep my promise and not to think about it.
Haven't seen the film from which the song is from, maybe I should... Instead I've been watching the new Sherlock series, damn it's good! Gotta love his humor.
torstai 29. toukokuuta 2014
Whatwherewhenwhowhyme?
Now I am finally free of all studying since yesterday I spent an hour inventing definitions to terms I had never heard. I did know the Spanish parts, though, maybe that will be enough? Well, now that I have nothing to stress about, of course I came up with new activities to keep me occupied. Last night was insane, I was doing a million things at the same time.
My friends went to check out an apartment for us for next fall, one of them got hit by a car, we had conversations about the pros and cons of the apartment, I tried to organize a trip to Jyväskylä to see the apartment (to smell it, actually, to see if it has some air problems), Dad called four times to ask questions about the apartment so I won't screw something up and make a crappy deal, I started improving my CV for next week 'cause I'll apply to travel guide training and by that time I was completely confused and exhausted.
Yeah. I could take it easy today, then. Started by writing to two websites about our apartment-hunt and talking to Dad on the phone twice, again, about the apartment. I've used the word "apartment" so many times now that I hate it. I cooked, which was finally something I could start AND finish without an annoyingly long wait, like with my entrance exam results.
I guess I got it all out now. This song helps. Channel of frustration or a source of adrenaline, however it helped with nervousness before the exam yesterday.
My friends went to check out an apartment for us for next fall, one of them got hit by a car, we had conversations about the pros and cons of the apartment, I tried to organize a trip to Jyväskylä to see the apartment (to smell it, actually, to see if it has some air problems), Dad called four times to ask questions about the apartment so I won't screw something up and make a crappy deal, I started improving my CV for next week 'cause I'll apply to travel guide training and by that time I was completely confused and exhausted.
Yeah. I could take it easy today, then. Started by writing to two websites about our apartment-hunt and talking to Dad on the phone twice, again, about the apartment. I've used the word "apartment" so many times now that I hate it. I cooked, which was finally something I could start AND finish without an annoyingly long wait, like with my entrance exam results.
I guess I got it all out now. This song helps. Channel of frustration or a source of adrenaline, however it helped with nervousness before the exam yesterday.
maanantai 26. toukokuuta 2014
Battle cry and so on
It has been a weekend full of fun! I've been hanging out with friends a lot, it was really nice to see you Emilia, it had been so long! :) I am happy to see that my skin has probably absorbed some of the sunlight already so I don't have to be completely pale when everyone else looks like roasted coffee beans.
A long morning walk on Saturday was such a great beginning of a beautiful day, that continued with friends and drinks. However, the highlight of the weekend was last night. Yeah, everybody knows what happened: evil big wolf ate little white-and-blue lambs. Not taking the result into account, the evening was great. Never before have I been watching a world championships finale in a bar, and it was an experience totally worth having. Yeah, I had to stand for about five hours which killed my legs but I can't complain. The atmosphere was to the roof, which almost exploded every time Finland managed to make a goal. Also, witnessing the reactions to seeing Mr. President and the throat-cutting head coach (with his wires and mic to give instructions to the new head coach) was pretty clarifying...at least the opinion of the Finnish public is clear.
What else is new? Well, I have really started to like this song and I have some weird interest in getting a tattoo. Never thought I would, but there it is. A little more consideration is needed before I carve something on my skin, though.
A long morning walk on Saturday was such a great beginning of a beautiful day, that continued with friends and drinks. However, the highlight of the weekend was last night. Yeah, everybody knows what happened: evil big wolf ate little white-and-blue lambs. Not taking the result into account, the evening was great. Never before have I been watching a world championships finale in a bar, and it was an experience totally worth having. Yeah, I had to stand for about five hours which killed my legs but I can't complain. The atmosphere was to the roof, which almost exploded every time Finland managed to make a goal. Also, witnessing the reactions to seeing Mr. President and the throat-cutting head coach (with his wires and mic to give instructions to the new head coach) was pretty clarifying...at least the opinion of the Finnish public is clear.
What else is new? Well, I have really started to like this song and I have some weird interest in getting a tattoo. Never thought I would, but there it is. A little more consideration is needed before I carve something on my skin, though.
torstai 22. toukokuuta 2014
When all is said and written
Here I am back in my apartment in Helsinki after two exhausting but fun days in Jyväskylä. +25, sunshine, friends and what feels like a successful entrance exam made my mood jump up to the sky. On top of that, school's over tomorrow!
I hate guessing the result after an exam 'cause even though I want to, I don't dare say that I believe I will get in. This time however, I'll say that damn it, if I don't get in then I don't know who does. There's always a possibility to improve but still, I feel confident that my interviews and essay prove that it is where I belong.
Now all there's left to do is to go check out the Wednesday's Spanish exam and to make someone go to Linnanmäki with me.
I hate guessing the result after an exam 'cause even though I want to, I don't dare say that I believe I will get in. This time however, I'll say that damn it, if I don't get in then I don't know who does. There's always a possibility to improve but still, I feel confident that my interviews and essay prove that it is where I belong.
Now all there's left to do is to go check out the Wednesday's Spanish exam and to make someone go to Linnanmäki with me.
perjantai 16. toukokuuta 2014
Who would make the time stop?
Damn it, here I am again, wondering what the hell I want to do with my life. Not that any drastic changes are on the way but once again I feel like I should make decisions but even if I would make them, nothing would happen until after a long, anxious wait. Or not at all. And it sucks.
I have had more piece of mind after my conversation with my friend a while back, thank you for helping me by understanding my confusion about being so clueless and messed up! Can't say I've figured it out but maybe I'm not quite as confused anymore. Anyway, another feeling has emerged from the back of my head and it is one of the scariest feelings I know. Time is running out.
Having one exam and one feedback lesson left of school this spring, it is starting to really sink in that this is it, maybe for good for me in this school and this city. I know it is completely my decision when it comes to what I am doing and where I am going, but somehow I feel like time's up here and I am changing the direction of my life again, mostly willingly but a little part of me wonders if I really wanna leave this place. I don't know if I'm finished here yet.
I am looking forward to the new breezes school-wise, but my social life here is really what I will remember of these few months of my life. I have made so many friends and even the thought of leaving them and this part of my life terrifies me. I am so ready to find what I am good at and passionate about, but what am I supposed to do when I am finally passionately living my life and it finally got interesting? I get the now or never-feeling quite a lot now but in the end I always end up pushing that thought away because the never-option makes me actually a little sad.
To finish this I want to share a song that gives you the feeling only a student knows. Though the education gained in this school hasn't been really my thing, it has been probably the best time of my life so far, even with all the confusion and steps taken backwards. Figuratively and literally, I gotta add... And notice Haaga-Helia coveralls, nobody's got them as cool as we do! I have been proud to wear them through so many weird and amazing moments.
I have had more piece of mind after my conversation with my friend a while back, thank you for helping me by understanding my confusion about being so clueless and messed up! Can't say I've figured it out but maybe I'm not quite as confused anymore. Anyway, another feeling has emerged from the back of my head and it is one of the scariest feelings I know. Time is running out.
Having one exam and one feedback lesson left of school this spring, it is starting to really sink in that this is it, maybe for good for me in this school and this city. I know it is completely my decision when it comes to what I am doing and where I am going, but somehow I feel like time's up here and I am changing the direction of my life again, mostly willingly but a little part of me wonders if I really wanna leave this place. I don't know if I'm finished here yet.
I am looking forward to the new breezes school-wise, but my social life here is really what I will remember of these few months of my life. I have made so many friends and even the thought of leaving them and this part of my life terrifies me. I am so ready to find what I am good at and passionate about, but what am I supposed to do when I am finally passionately living my life and it finally got interesting? I get the now or never-feeling quite a lot now but in the end I always end up pushing that thought away because the never-option makes me actually a little sad.
To finish this I want to share a song that gives you the feeling only a student knows. Though the education gained in this school hasn't been really my thing, it has been probably the best time of my life so far, even with all the confusion and steps taken backwards. Figuratively and literally, I gotta add... And notice Haaga-Helia coveralls, nobody's got them as cool as we do! I have been proud to wear them through so many weird and amazing moments.
maanantai 12. toukokuuta 2014
Nothing to add
After three hours of filling paperwork and gathering documents (I have a tip for everybody: get a job or be rich.. paperwork sucks), I just need something relaxing. This song should do, don't you think?
lauantai 3. toukokuuta 2014
Too much but not enough
It's been a while again, but I haven't really been sitting around with nothing to do in a while either. The May Day celebrations are now over (finally) and those ten days will remain in my memories for a long time, I had such a great time getting to know new, awesome people and doing all kinds of crazy things all around Helsinki. I've taken silly pictures, visited plenty of bars, got (asked for) five fake proposals, wrestled in a park and laughed a lot. Thank you all for making this an amazing experience!
After all the craziness, sleep deprivation and the sudden realization and panic that my entrance exams are in a few weeks, it was good to come back home to the countryside to recharge my batteries again. I needed to clear my head and take a look back to see if what I've been lately wondering is really an issue. After I moved to the capital I wrote about finding my place and myself and finally starting to change into the person I wanna be. Well, how do you know when you are going too far? What if you realise that you went past that good place and you want to take a few steps back? How do I know if all I'm going through is a natural part of the process of growing up and maturing or if it's reflecting something that's wrong? I used to feel like I have it all together, now I don't know anymore. Why am I so complex that even I can't figure me out myself...
This very moment, writing this text in my parents' house, in the basement, in the same exact chair I used to sit in every night, the same kind of mysterious thoughts trying to jump from my brain to this blank white space to form a story, brings me back to the time when this was my everyday life. I didn't think it would feel so strange, nor that I'd remember this situation so clearly and vividly from the past. Although everything seems to be the same (I am even wearing the same jacket I always wore back then!) I know that something's different. I am.
Whether it is a good or bad thing, I am not sure. Maybe it's good that it's been bad, or bad though it has been also good. It is possible that the change is good, but how it happened is bad or that maybe the direction of the change was bad from the beginning. However, no matter how I put it and try to judge if I am a better or a worse person than before, one thing is for sure: I am many experiences richer than before. That sentence wasn't what I initially wrote, though, at first I was going to claim that I am stronger than before. I thought of it and decided that it's not yet time to say so. I will say it one day, though, I promise that.
After all the craziness, sleep deprivation and the sudden realization and panic that my entrance exams are in a few weeks, it was good to come back home to the countryside to recharge my batteries again. I needed to clear my head and take a look back to see if what I've been lately wondering is really an issue. After I moved to the capital I wrote about finding my place and myself and finally starting to change into the person I wanna be. Well, how do you know when you are going too far? What if you realise that you went past that good place and you want to take a few steps back? How do I know if all I'm going through is a natural part of the process of growing up and maturing or if it's reflecting something that's wrong? I used to feel like I have it all together, now I don't know anymore. Why am I so complex that even I can't figure me out myself...
This very moment, writing this text in my parents' house, in the basement, in the same exact chair I used to sit in every night, the same kind of mysterious thoughts trying to jump from my brain to this blank white space to form a story, brings me back to the time when this was my everyday life. I didn't think it would feel so strange, nor that I'd remember this situation so clearly and vividly from the past. Although everything seems to be the same (I am even wearing the same jacket I always wore back then!) I know that something's different. I am.
Whether it is a good or bad thing, I am not sure. Maybe it's good that it's been bad, or bad though it has been also good. It is possible that the change is good, but how it happened is bad or that maybe the direction of the change was bad from the beginning. However, no matter how I put it and try to judge if I am a better or a worse person than before, one thing is for sure: I am many experiences richer than before. That sentence wasn't what I initially wrote, though, at first I was going to claim that I am stronger than before. I thought of it and decided that it's not yet time to say so. I will say it one day, though, I promise that.
Tilaa:
Blogitekstit (Atom)