Again and again

Recently I just found this song from YouTube and I haven't stopped listening to it ever since. I mean, if I am not listening to it, it is playing in my head. Don't really know why since I don't really relate to the lyrics at the moment, but it is just such a beautiful song that I want to share it with you.

 

Blinded by the sun

After a morning of desperation for not having a job or an apartment or any real future plans, the day has turned out pretty nice. I have sunbathed for an hour, played outside with my sisters, cut the grass, packed some stuff in boxes hoping I will be moving out within a few months and written the rest of my graduation thank you-cards. I decided I will take it easy for the rest of July and start worrying about real life problems when August comes. This is what they call a holiday, right?

Teenage mutant ninja...girls

There is one certain sign of getting older: you don't really care so much about what others think about you. Of course it never goes away completely, 'cause who would want to humiliate themselves completely in public. But the phenomenon I am talking about is more about personal appearance. Based on my experience and observations I thus present you the three things that will lead to a disaster in the world of a teenage girl. Okay yeah it wasn't so long ago I was the same, but since I feel like I've grown up so much this summer, I feel qualified to make this list.

1. Going out without make-up. This only applies to those who use make-up, but if they do, they can't be seen without it even for a 10-minute trip to a grocery store. Why, you might ask? Because we look so ugly without it and we are not pretty and boys won't give us any attention. But seriously, now that I am over that time, I see how ridiculous it is. Painted barbie-dolls are not real, so you shouldn't try to look like one. 

2. Being seen with your family. Having three sisters, I know what it is like to want to disappear from the Earth after they/your parents have done or said something embarrassing in public, usually very loudly and not-so-imperceptibly. This is probably quite Finnish thing, since we don't want to stand out (in a bad way) and we want to blend in. But now that I am an adult, I see that what looks even worse, is the behavior of the teenager trying to pretend they're not there than the meaningless fights or funny scenes. What would make it all go away, is laughing at it with them. Or with the people around you...

3. Not being able to use your phone. After having worked at summer camps this summer, I am sure about it: a girl can't live without her phone. You will just die if you can't text every single thing to your friends. And not having internet connection, well... you just want to go home immediately 'cause everything at this camp sucks, can't even go to Facebook! Those complaints are just mainly annoying and can be solved by being cruel and forbidding the use of phones when there is any arranged program. But what really made me sad, was when it was the last night of the camp and everyone had got attached to each other and the workers surprised the youngsters by going to their rooms when it was bedtime and we sang a beautiful song to them with candles in our hands. That usually causes a waterfall of tears, which is a good sign to us, it shows how much they have liked it there, but what really got on my nerves was how they dealt with the sadness and crying. Can you guess? They took their phones and started checking Facebook or writing texts or whatever, denying a real emotion resorting to a virtual world that is oh-so-comforting and makes you happier than real human contacts.

In addition to these things, I want to address a phenomenon I bumped into today and many, many times before it. Based on what I've seen, the summer trend these days is close-to-invisible shorts. Well, if your goal was to get attention, it is definitely achieved, but come on. Not the whole world wants to see your ass.

Privileged or brainwashed?

Congrats Great Britain, you have a new little future king! I am the kind of person who sees a baby and goes all "awww he/she is sooooo cuuuuuuute, let me hold him/her!" and I can't wait for some close relative of mine to have a baby so I could buy all kinds of tiny clothes and toys for them. Baby-fever hits those times, but luckily I am realistic enough not to want one for real yet.

So, like my title pretty harshly says, I have been thinking about royal babies. First of all, I think that there is too much pressure on new royal couples to reproduce. I mean, they have barely finished the honeymoon when the world starts staring at her belly. So when you marry a royal guy or a soon-to-be-royal guy, you have no choice than to be ready to have a child. What if they are not? 

Well, when the new royal family member is born, there is no time to be just a baby, the media will make them The Royal Baby within hours. The kid has no other option than to start living a superior life to everyone else in the country. Privileged, for sure; more money than you'd need, best schools you could have. Limited, obviously; controlling your behavior all the time not to embarrass the family, no freedom when it comes to choosing your career. But is it brainwashing to raise the child to keep their manners no matter what, to basically write their future before they have any say in it? I don't know any royal people personally so I can't ask, but I would like to hear how they feel about having their life decisions so big that they would affect the entire country. 

I understand the princess fairytale dream of marrying a prince and living happily ever after but I would rather do it in private, without half the kingdom and the media. For me it is enough to look like a princess on that one special day and have the prince of my life, not the prince of a country. But I sincerely think that most of the royal people are happy, so I won't judge their lifestyle, especially since it wasn't their choice to be born into it. 

Royal or not, babies are cute so I am happy for William and Kate. I predict that after 20 years there will be a lot of competition for the heart of that prince... 

 

From desperation to inspiration

In the last post I sounded pretty defeated and torn. Well, I am not saying I am perfectly fine yet, but instead of not caring at all, I am more excited about the changes to come. Yeah, I still don't like to talk about university and when my family starts talking or joking about it, I can stand it only for a little while (like they got to notice today). Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel now.

I have sent 10 job applications. I have no idea if that will be enough to get one or not, but I'll just wait and see. Basically I am not in a rush, but the thought of being stuck here at home doing nothing, not moving forward for a few months more makes me so desperate that I can't stop looking for more opportunities. Don't get it wrong, I like being at home. It is so good to just rest and do holiday things (read:nothing) for a change. But somehow I feel the need to start my own, independent life already. High school is over, summer jobs are over, the next and natural step is leaving, and I am willing to take that step.

I know that when I speak about leaving I am mainly excited and eager to go, but deep down I know it will be hard as well. I have no idea what it will be like not coming home to the place I've come home to for the past 11 years. I have grown up here, almost all of the even remotely significant things of my life have happened while I've lived here. I know this will always be my home, but since it will be a pretty long train ride away, will it feel the same?

Thank god for the phones and the internet 'cause I would be screwed when I break something. Or when the computer refuses to co-operate with me. Or when there is a spider.

Luckily this fear is only a little part of what I feel related to moving out. I really am excited, especially about things like decorating (with extremely limited budget), cooking whatever I wanna eat, deciding what to do and when. Besides, complete privacy is a very welcome change. 
 
I will probably write a post about the moving and my feelings when the time comes, so we'll see if I am crying after my previous life or loving my new one. Hopefully the last one!

It's been a while

Wow, I haven't written in a long time... I haven't felt the need or the ability to write so far. A lot has happened, good and bad, laughters and tears. A lot of tears lately, in fact.

To sum up these past few months I could say I graduated and have been trying to figure out my life ever since. It was a huge step towards adulthood and unknown to leave the school routine of the past three years and to look ahead into - something. Entrance exams came and went, with zero success as it turned out. As for the good things, I had the most incredible trip of my whole life; I was so relaxed and happy and didn't worry too much. Coming back home wasn't so fun, since it was like a cold hit in the face. Having to come back when you really did not want to leave combined with your future plans and dreams coming crashing down and a 10-degree drop in temperatures was a brutal way of saying "welcome home".

All I can say about what's going on in my head is emptiness surrounded by millions of worries, causes of stress and hopeless wishes. I had it all so planned out and I was really looking forward to my future as a university student with all that comes with it, but I guess there are different plans for me. On one hand I understand the benefits of a gap year and I am excited about it as well but having so much sadness and disappointments at once makes you feel just defeated. I don't feel like I am in control of my own life, and it makes me so scared. A part of me wants to just give up, lie down and let the tears fall down until I can't cry anymore. Another part is just trying to hold it together and trying to see the positive and to encourage me to stay strong. But sometimes it is okay not to be strong, isn't it? Whenever I feel like that, the other part tells me to suck it up, dry the tears and do your job, you don't have time to be sad now, you have others to worry about and work to do, to be responsible and an example and successfull. And that is damned hard.

I really hope I will be able to deal with what I feel right now instead of burying it deep like I usually always do, to figure out what to do next and to find solutions. 
Not being able to do the one thing you really want is suffocating..

This title tells exactly how I feel.