I miss routines. I miss the regular need to get out of my apartment and to do something with a meaning. Having a vacation this long, I realize that I seize to exist as the person as I am when I cannot fulfill my purpose; to interact, to be active, to have a significance.
No offense to the people I've been hanging out with lately, you are the only sane part of my current state of mind of disappearing self. Some strange power takes over and I am numb like a robot, meeting the absolute demands but moving as if I was in a dream. The purpose of mine gets blurred and I fall into the state of waiting for life to start happening again. There is no such a thing as chilling out for a while and going back to what I was supposed to do, it is as if the excessive is too attractive for me to fight against.
You are who you are when nobody's watching, they say, which makes me wonder: am I really like this? I cannot balance the contrast of days filled with pleasant responsibilities and those that should be about relaxing. Doing nothing is not relaxing, I'm going crazy, but somehow I cannot do anything about it. I feel that I have no strength over myself, besides, if I don't do nothing now, when will I? It is like a subconscious defense mechanism as I know I will be busy soon enough. I take the easy way out but I cannot find the entrance back to normality without struggle.
Even worse than doing nothing when I really have no responsibilities is doing nothing when I actually do, which was today and will be for the next two weeks. Do you know the psychological experiment where they sent a guy to Antarctica or somewhere to see what being alone does to him? I have a feeling I'd go all cuckoo a lot faster, since it seems like interaction is what keeps me going. As glad as I am that my roommate hasn't come home yet 'cause I have been happy to get cozy in this place alone, I feel like karma's biting me in the ass. You wanted some alone time, huh? Let's see if you can take it.
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