Inseguridades

Soy una persona que suele trabajar por sus sueños y realizar sus planes. No me importa si tengo que hacerlo sola o si es algo muy excepcional. Cuando es algo que realmente quiero hacer, me da igual la opinión de los otros. Me da confianza en mí misma cuando hago estas cosas, ya que me siento muy fuerte y capaz de excederme.

Mañana voy a ver al hombre con quien voy a pasar tiempo estudiando finlandés y español esta primavera y tengo que admitir, estoy muy nerviosa. Sé que mis conocimientos en español no son malos, pero estoy segura que hay mucho que tengo que aprender. De todos modos, nunca he tenido oportunidades de usar mi capacidad para aprender más. Sí, hemos hablado en español en las clases y he tenido conversaciones con mis profesores pero es algo muy diferente hablar sobre las tareas y usar el lenguaje como un medio de comunicación. Eso es lo que me preocupa, ¿qué haré si no puedo hacerlo?

Usualmente tengo mucha confianza con las lenguas, siempre he sido la mejor en las clases, hasta obtuve la mejor calificación de los exámenes finales en bachillerato (no es fácil, les aseguro). Sin embargo, con español es diferente. Me encantaría hablar con fluidez y quizás esto me impide tratar: no quiero cometer errores. Es estúpido, lo sé.

Mi objetivo para esta primavera es dejar este miedo tonto y aprender a tener confianza en mí con la lengua. Tengo tantos recursos que sería una idiota si no los aprovechara.

Ahora voy a continuar leyendo un libro español para que mi cabeza esté en la frecuencia correcta para mañana.

Words that aren't just words

As my last post was a list, I thought I could continue in the same spirit. Many times I've thought that what makes music move me, are the lyrics. It doesn't even have to be the entire song but even one single line can make me love a certain song. Here I have gathered ten English songs that I find extraordinarily beautiful, brutally honest, filled with pure emotion or just simply right.

1. It's not always rainbows and butterflies

    It's compromise that moves us along

    Maroon 5 - She will be loved

2. Keane - Somewhere only we know

3. I loved you with a fire red,
    Now it's turning blue

    Timbaland ft. One Republic - Apologize 

4. One Republic - Come home

5. Should this be the last thing I see
    I want you to know it's enough for me
    'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

    Ed Sheeran - Tenerife sea

6. Let it go, let it go
   And I'll rise like the break of dawn
   Let it go, let it go
   That perfect girl is gone

   Idina Menzel - Let it go

7. Snow Patrol - Chasing cars

8. I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, 

    feel my tears as they dry 

    Sia - Chandelier

9. I want you 
    We can bring it on the floor
    You've never danced like this before
    We don't talk about it

    Milky Chance- Stolen dance

 

10. Snow Patrol - Run

 

Expectations

Ten things I'd like to do in 2015.
  
1. Travel to Spain. This one is relatively easy, as I really am planning on making the trip.   

2. Complete the Each one teach one- course at the university. That is, hanging out with a Spanish native for 20 hours in Spanish and 20 hours in Finnish, writing a couple of reports about it, gaining credits and learning to actually speak. Related to my goal number 1, though useful also in other contexts.
 
3. Actually have an idea of what I'm voting for in the parliamentary elections. This is becoming more and more important to me, as I realize I don't know much about politics and that I don't want to vote for something I don't really believe in.
 
4. Join the student association of all the language subjects, hopefully in the position of organizing events. I'm off to a pretty good start, as I've already been asked to help organizing a cocktail party, can't wait! 

5. Not totally freeze linguistically when I bump into my Spanish teacher around this apartment building. Spanish extempore is not my strong suit, I gotta work on that.
 
6. Pass the history exam. Please.
 
7. Find out more about my family history. I joined this Facebook group of people from my extended family, who have been tracing the roots of our family, it is so interesting that I cannot just ignore it, I will have to look into it. We have the information, why waste it? 

8. Try not to have a nervous breakdown at this year's camps. I can do it, I've got enough experience on leadership now that I think I can pull them off.

9. Replace a light bulb with a new one. Never done it, I think now's the year to do so. Also, now that we're talking lamps, I've got no clue how it's attached to the ceiling. Maybe I should figure it out.

10. To have fun. Not just to have a nice time, but to actually enjoy something so much that I am filled with joy. I won't make specific demands about what it should be, anything goes. As long as I will enjoy it enough that I forget all the worries and the bad stuff, smiling a carefree smile and being happy.

We'll see at the end of the year whether I manage to execute them all, but looks like a pretty damn fine year to me, if these were to come true!

Demasiado tiempo libre

Siempre he sido muy estudiosa pero creo que ahora he alcanzado un nuevo nivel. Queda una semana de vacacionces pero siento que ya me gustaría empezar el semestre. Tengo menos cursos de los que tuve en otoño pero estoy muy entusiasmada con las otras dimensiones de la vida de un estudiante. Además, tengo un curso oral de español que me interesa mucho. Nueva profesora, nuevos compañeros de clase, muchísimas cosas nuevas que quiero aprender. 

Hoy en la tarde voy a pasar tiempo con unos amigos y para esa ocasión he preparado pasteles de chocolate ¡que huelen tan bien! También empecé a leer un libro en español, Cincuenta sombras de Grey. Leer en español parece más fácil que lo que yo creía. Quizás  mis conocimientos de la lengua se han desarrollado.


Ayer fuí de compras y encontré el vestido perfecto para mi viaje a España en verano. Puedo imaginarlo tan bien, yo caminando en las calles viejas llevando ese vestido y sandalias. Hace calor y el sol es tan brillante, tomo algunas fotos y estoy sonriendo todo el tiempo. Sin embargo, hay un problema... no compré ese vestido porque es un poco caro. Tampoco tengo el pasaje para ir a ese país hermoso. Pues, creo que tengo que seguir soñando con el viaje, quizás algún día lo ponga en práctica.

Lo voy a poner en práctica, lo prometo. 

Progress

I am proud to announce that I have managed to temporarily snap out of my zombie-state of mind and actually do something. Yesterday I even left the building, which was really nice, so I'll do it again tonight. A friend of mine and I will spend the evening celebrating New Year's again, and the evening will include tacos, reflecting and setting goals for the year to come. Can it get any better?

Avoiding the minus below fifteen, I have learned a lot about the British history. Industrialization and liberalism, who wouldn't love to spend their vacation dwelling in such interesting issues? Don't know if I've managed to internalize the topics well enough, though I certainly hope so, as my history exam is in two weeks. I do feel sort of smarter, though, isn't that a good sign? I just hope the reforms would stop, I really cannot keep track on them anymore.

Recently I have really started to see the glory of tea. Not so much due to history cramming, although I did almost scream aloud with excitement when I read the name Earl Grey, I found it very hilarious. Such a familiar tea brand, and there he was as a person. I have no clue who he was and what he did, as I concentrated on pointing it out to my friend instead of his actual role in the history book. However, I have started to like drinking tea and I bought this really good flavor, I think it was gingko and blackcurrant. Never heard of gingko before, I have to admit, still not quite sure what it is. But let's not get stuck on the irrelevant, right?

Also, I finished my academic writing portfolio. I am completely and utterly relieved, as it turned out pretty good and I am very happy with it. And, it's pink, which makes it totally awesome. 

Tomorrow I'll hit the sales and visit the city library for the first time, as I just discovered that they have Fifty Shades of Grey in Spanish. I have to read it. I think I'll also get some other books in Spanish as I am extremely excited about planning my trip to Spain next summer. I'd better make use of that excitement now that I still feel like reading books.

Keep your friends close... but don't let the enemies get too close

I miss routines. I miss the regular need to get out of my apartment and to do something with a meaning. Having a vacation this long, I realize that I seize to exist as the person as I am when I cannot fulfill my purpose; to interact, to be active, to have a significance. 

No offense to the people I've been hanging out with lately, you are the only sane part of my current state of mind of disappearing self. Some strange power takes over and I am numb like a robot, meeting the absolute demands but moving as if I was in a dream. The purpose of mine gets blurred and I fall into the state of waiting for life to start happening again. There is no such a thing as chilling out for a while and going back to what I was supposed to do, it is as if the excessive is too attractive for me to fight against. 

You are who you are when nobody's watching, they say, which makes me wonder: am I really like this? I cannot balance the contrast of days filled with pleasant responsibilities and those that should be about relaxing. Doing nothing is not relaxing, I'm going crazy, but somehow I cannot do anything about it. I feel that I have no strength over myself, besides, if I don't do nothing now, when will I? It is like a subconscious defense mechanism as I know I will be busy soon enough. I take the easy way out but I cannot find the entrance back to normality without struggle.

Even worse than doing nothing when I really have no responsibilities is doing nothing when I actually do, which was today and will be for the next two weeks. Do you know the psychological experiment where they sent a guy to Antarctica or somewhere to see what being alone does to him? I have a feeling I'd go all cuckoo a lot faster, since it seems like interaction is what keeps me going. As glad as I am that my roommate hasn't come home yet 'cause I have been happy to get cozy in this place alone, I feel like karma's biting me in the ass. You wanted some alone time, huh? Let's see if you can take it.
 

A fresh start

For the third time within a year I start writing about sitting in a new apartment, ready to see, once again, what life decides to throw at me. This time I am more hopeful than before, though, as I can feel that something is different. I think this is it, I've got it right this time and now it's my time.

A new year, a clean slate. I have learned so much from last year that I cannot even describe the change I feel in me. Opportunities, risks, priorities, hopes, dreams, accomplishments, freedom, courage to try, courage to feel. That's what last year was about and I am curious to see what this new year holds.

Right now laying in my bed I look around and see a new place that feels already so familiar. It feels like home in here and that is why I don't care about any tiny, vain worries at the moment. I am experiencing a thrilling excitement that makes me want to keep on going, to challenge myself to do more, be more and ask for more. I don't care that I have tons of school work to do or that there are obligations to be filled. I don't care about the pressure of fulfilling expectations and doing the right thing and right now, I don't care that I have nobody special to share this with, because I am happy.

And for now, that's all I could ask for, isn't it?