I talk, I walk, I live my everyday life and every once in a life I freeze and wonder if I am making any sense. What am I doing this for, why do I spend my time like this? Do I have a purpose or am I just spending some free, meaningless time waiting for something? What am I waiting for?
I keep holding on to the self-image I've built but too often I think I forgot the updates. I am not who I was a year ago, and that person was not who she was a year before that. And that confuses me so much that I stopped defining it and lived instead, got stuck in the mixture of present and dreams and now I find myself in the big city having no idea who I am supposed to be and which parts of me I want to preserve. I need to let go of the ancient thought patterns that slow me down each day, I need to embrace the new sides of me I keep finding.
The most haunting feeling in the world is waiting for your life to start. I wait and then it hits me: this is it. Why do I always forget it? It goes away whenever I live in the moment, do something impulsive, follow truly my instincts regardless of the judgements of others. If it comes from my heart, I feel alive.
I am constantly looking for something more, to feel something more, to find something that makes me complete and gives a meaning for all of this. All of what, I don't even know what I am talking about. I just know that I am angry at myself when I waste a moment in life and that there's nothing better than a brief moment of happiness, dancing alone to your favorite song until a tear falls down your cheek.
I don't know what the hell is going on in my head these days, but this very flowing stream of thoughts is the best description I can make of it. I sound totally messed up, I know. Tomorrow, though, I might look at this through eyes of clarity. That's what makes it so weird.
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