Time heals all wounds, doesn't it?

Today I found something the existence of which I had totally forgotten. I am talking about my diary from a few years ago. I hesitated a while before opening it since, well, quite often you feel ashamed of the things you've done, said or written when you were a lot younger. I didn't expect to read the things I read there, I was so amazed by the content of it. It felt like the girl who wrote that was someone completely different than the girl I am today. I guess that's a good sign that some growth has happened, but I think I probably should get rid of that diary. I am no longer her and I don't want to be.

Looking back at the period of my life that I wrote the diary, I am really glad I did it. I definitely needed it back then. I was younger, more naive, didn't know much about life. I don't claim to be much wiser now, but at least I can see some things more clearly and put things into perspective. The girl who was about to start high school had just started to take her first steps into the real world, out of her comfort zone. Starting to become an adult, little by little, experience by experience. She was a dreamer, which hasn't completely changed, but now I build my dreams without the blindfold of naivety. She hoped to find something, to be something. 

Unlike how it might have seemed, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me. I had a lot of worries and thoughts, but I kept them all to myself. I have to admit, it hurt to read my own vulnerable words that were meant only for me. Is it possible to feel sorry for someone else who at the same time is myself?

One thing that surprised me was how little I remembered of it all. I mean, when I read my messy words I felt like I was right there in that moment once again, I could feel and remember them perfectly. But hadn't I found the diary, I wouldn't have thought those thoughts and remembered those events. Maybe it's healthy that your mind doesn't want you to keep thinking about hurtful memories but it still makes me wonder if I have simply dealt with the issues and moved on or just tried to forget. What made a bigger impact on me, though, was that instead of the bad memories I found my pondering over life's huge unanswered questions so deeply touching. Most of the bad things I believe I finally dealt with, but the simple, yet so truthful lines I wrote about how I see the world are still really close to my heart.

Around the time high school started, I had written a list with 20 goals that I want to achieve during the three years of high school. I was really surprised to notice that 18 of them really happened. I don't mind that I missed the two on the list that didn't happen 'cause I truly believe they have been replaced with much more valuable goals achieved. I am proud of managing to live up to my hopes about high school since not all of the goals were simple. 

My diary showed me my most sensitive side but it was also a reminder to be honest to myself. I was back then. As much as I'd like to, I can't say that I still always am. Who knows, maybe after many years I'll read this blog wondering how different my view of the world was and be happy that I have had something to rely on while growing up.

I want you to listen to this song purely because I think it is beautiful.