Thanks to the burning injury, I can't enjoy many of the perks of not having a job or any other daily responsibility. So what do I do every day? Well, today I knitted a woolly sock. It took about 6-7 hours. I did watch one two-hour movie while knitting, but otherwise I just sat on a sofa and knitted. I didn't have anywhere to be, anything to do so I thought I might as well just keep doing this. To my defence, in case someone is thinking I am like an old granny, the socks are light pink. Really cute, trust me. Besides that, I have had errands to run in the city a few times, so I am not isolating completely. However, almost every day I have to face a huge problem: can I find the energy to do something productive today or will i just take the easiest way and be lazy?
It is killing me to feel like I have no power over anything in my life right now. I cannot choose to start working. I am not allowed to do sports, I have nothing to study for, I am struggling everyday with myself 'cause I know I could use this free time wisely but I find it so hard to see the point in enjoying being free when it is not what I want and need. So, I end up watching three movies a day or staring at the computer screen all day long and before I notice, another day passes by. I know it sounds like I am just happily chilling out each day but that really is not the case. When I was in school and had some free time to watch a movie, it was really relaxing and enjoyable. I still like movies, but the watching experience is not the same when I have all the time in the world to do it. I don't do it to have a rest from something else, I am doing it to spend time.
I know I just write about the same stuff again and again, but this is my reality. Not a day goes by that I don't search the internet for any jobs available or worry about having no income whatsoever. It really is stressful. Being unemployed is so hard to deal with mentally and trust me, I have had to force myself to adapt to so many things lately that I feel like I can't take any more failures. This is just unfair, I have earned better than this. Nobody seems to really understand my situation, thinking they know better what my life is like 'cause they hear what I do everyday and think she has it easy, but nobody asks how I feel.
Yesterday when I texted my friends that I didn't get a job I was interviewed for, one of them stated the irritating and frustrating truth: I am being tested this year. I'd better be damned tough and persistent when things start to work out, otherwise I'll just have to be angry at the world for being cruel. I am just completely fed up with being stuck in my own life.
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