Lost and found

Last night after twenty minutes of consideration I decided to apply to universities of applied sciences to start studying in January. That definitely counts as one of the most spontaneous things I've done, since I guess I have a pretty good chance at getting in. However, I am still a little confused and overwhelmed that I actually did it. One factor that contributed to this solution were the 51 job applications without any luck, which was getting damned frustrating.

I am so proud of myself, though. Last night when I couldn't fall asleep due to the excitement, I realised that all my life I have put myself in a box of plans that I can't get out of. For the past few years when my future has been kind of a big issue to think about, I have had a clear vision of it all. I have decorated the box with all kinds of details and possibilities that at some point I stopped being that excited about living in it since I knew every single step of that way and I was already conditioned to it being my destiny. Yesterday and today I have realised that when the rejections in the summer smashed the box, I got free of that plan I couldn't let go of. And now, a simple thing like clicking a few buttons online might not seem special to anyone else, but to me it is something I've never done before. For once, I didn't plan it out for months and decide every single detail, I just went with what I felt at the moment. I have been holding on to this "ideal me" for so long without realising that I have changed. I am no longer stuck and that feels incredible.

So what, if I hate the studies or realise it is definitely not for me, at least I will have ruled that out. I am not losing anything, I am just experiencing. That's what I always say I want and I guess this is one of the really rare times I actually do something to get there. I can always choose something else and take another chance. I don't know if I'll end up in school in the beginning of next year but I believe that when the time comes, I will know what is the right thing for me.