The feeling of going to the grocery store, weighing apples and whatever, is something you really take for granted. After almost a month of camps and staying at my parents' place where everything is ready but not in your control, it feels so good to do my own thing for a while.
Okay, for a week. But still.
Also, studying is a piece of cake after camps. I just read a 200-page book in a bit more than two days and made notes of it. Semantics might be more boring than it seemed, I'm just so thrilled to be doing something else for a change.
Now I'll continue my evening doing something else that could often be taken for granted; going for a coffee with a friend. Looking forward to it!
tiistai 30. kesäkuuta 2015
lauantai 20. kesäkuuta 2015
Midsummer night's dream
Sipping a glass of red wine, the piano and the violin of Canon in D playing in my ears, looking outside to the brightest summer night, it's a good time for some reflection. Not sure where to begin, though. I thought I'd have time to think, time to take a step back and stop for a minute, but I've been completely occupied by organizing activities, brushing 6-year-olds' teeth and patching up little injuries. Half of my summer camps are over and I am a little frightened by how fast it happened. However, in the midst of socially chaotic and exhausting two weeks, I've still perhaps learned something.
There are certain things I feel that I completely own, I am my most comfortable self with. Then there are things, places, where I feel like I cannot fully exist as I am, not without choosing to leave something out. And the things I felt that were mine aren't anymore, and they don't belong. They don't belong to who I am when I adjust to be happy. It's a collision of contradictions, a harsh revelation of what matters the most, even though I might be too hesitant to admit it.
I think I'm strong, I'm content, I'm determined and then I just freeze. It's like a bucket full of ice water over my head, followed by a few hard slaps in the face. And I question everything, I doubt everything I have ever thought or promised to myself, and I feel powerless. Vulnerable.
But then I gather the pieces I dropped and try to keep going. And I tell myself that it's okay to be lost and that I'll find the purpose of all this confusion someday soon. But I fear that I am putting my hope to the wrong things, that I might ruin them by expecting them to fix something I can't quite comprehend.
Once again, I feel different looking at the world. I started to realize that you can't just say that you follow a philosophy and expect to internalize its principals merely by making the decision. I guess I tried to skip to the better part, but I can't. Maybe a part of me scraped together so many activities for the summer dreading the time alone, who knows. Nevertheless, I am positive in spite of all the melancholy, as I know there are great things waiting for me as I stumble through the crammed summer of responsibilities. For once, though, I am trying to find the path of unknown, unplanned. The path I haven't followed before.
There are certain things I feel that I completely own, I am my most comfortable self with. Then there are things, places, where I feel like I cannot fully exist as I am, not without choosing to leave something out. And the things I felt that were mine aren't anymore, and they don't belong. They don't belong to who I am when I adjust to be happy. It's a collision of contradictions, a harsh revelation of what matters the most, even though I might be too hesitant to admit it.
I think I'm strong, I'm content, I'm determined and then I just freeze. It's like a bucket full of ice water over my head, followed by a few hard slaps in the face. And I question everything, I doubt everything I have ever thought or promised to myself, and I feel powerless. Vulnerable.
But then I gather the pieces I dropped and try to keep going. And I tell myself that it's okay to be lost and that I'll find the purpose of all this confusion someday soon. But I fear that I am putting my hope to the wrong things, that I might ruin them by expecting them to fix something I can't quite comprehend.
Once again, I feel different looking at the world. I started to realize that you can't just say that you follow a philosophy and expect to internalize its principals merely by making the decision. I guess I tried to skip to the better part, but I can't. Maybe a part of me scraped together so many activities for the summer dreading the time alone, who knows. Nevertheless, I am positive in spite of all the melancholy, as I know there are great things waiting for me as I stumble through the crammed summer of responsibilities. For once, though, I am trying to find the path of unknown, unplanned. The path I haven't followed before.
torstai 4. kesäkuuta 2015
Alone but not lonely
As I've recently stated, I'm on a self-discovery mission this summer and although it might sound silly and pretentious, I am actually serious about it. I just had a great conversation with a friend about girls' self respect when it comes to men, and it made me think about something closely related to both of these topics, as well as my life for the past two years or so. Independence, what is it really? I claim to be independent, but how does it show? Or am I fooling myself?
The inspiration for this post goes beyond the obvious freedom and practical benefits of independence as in living on your own and finding your own path when it comes to education and career. This is about healthy selfishness, knowing your worth and not letting anyone else dictate your happiness. Although I might be doing really well in the easy kind of independence, I sometimes struggle with it in the deeper sense.
To me being independent and needing to rely on other people's help every once in a while don't rule each other out. It is strength to be able to admit one's own flaws and to ask for help when needed. Asking for an opinion isn't giving up on your own choice either, as long as you're not looking for a direct solution to your dilemma. The thing with asking for an opinion, you know, is that it is just an opinion that you'll get. Nevertheless, I am not ashamed to admit that I need other people a lot. I think it might have to do with my tendency to try to do what's best for everyone, I want to find out how my choices and decisions would affect people. Moreover, I often feel like I need that extra push to actually operate when I'm already pondering about something in my head, a little nudge saying it's okay to do your thing. And I don't think it makes me any less independent.
At the moment I feel like I only have strength to be independent on my own. What I believe is the key to existing in a relationship as equals is that both the people in it are independent on their own first and then share their lives together, but not letting go of themselves as individuals. Every time I've ever had a relationship or even an attempt to that direction, I've immersed myself in it so much that it's become a bubble in my head, a world that only exists with that person but also makes everything else disappear. And the problem with everything else fading into the background is that I've later realized that I also faded. And it is just not okay to define yourself through someone else or their actions.
Before I'll want someone purely for the person they are, I won't succeed. If even a part of me is willing to settle for a bit of affection or infatuates with attention blind from reality, I'm in the wrong. If I'd be willing to sell my independence for a moment of heat, to follow like a sheep, to abandon myself for someone else, I wouldn't be much of a woman, would I?
The inspiration for this post goes beyond the obvious freedom and practical benefits of independence as in living on your own and finding your own path when it comes to education and career. This is about healthy selfishness, knowing your worth and not letting anyone else dictate your happiness. Although I might be doing really well in the easy kind of independence, I sometimes struggle with it in the deeper sense.
To me being independent and needing to rely on other people's help every once in a while don't rule each other out. It is strength to be able to admit one's own flaws and to ask for help when needed. Asking for an opinion isn't giving up on your own choice either, as long as you're not looking for a direct solution to your dilemma. The thing with asking for an opinion, you know, is that it is just an opinion that you'll get. Nevertheless, I am not ashamed to admit that I need other people a lot. I think it might have to do with my tendency to try to do what's best for everyone, I want to find out how my choices and decisions would affect people. Moreover, I often feel like I need that extra push to actually operate when I'm already pondering about something in my head, a little nudge saying it's okay to do your thing. And I don't think it makes me any less independent.
At the moment I feel like I only have strength to be independent on my own. What I believe is the key to existing in a relationship as equals is that both the people in it are independent on their own first and then share their lives together, but not letting go of themselves as individuals. Every time I've ever had a relationship or even an attempt to that direction, I've immersed myself in it so much that it's become a bubble in my head, a world that only exists with that person but also makes everything else disappear. And the problem with everything else fading into the background is that I've later realized that I also faded. And it is just not okay to define yourself through someone else or their actions.
Before I'll want someone purely for the person they are, I won't succeed. If even a part of me is willing to settle for a bit of affection or infatuates with attention blind from reality, I'm in the wrong. If I'd be willing to sell my independence for a moment of heat, to follow like a sheep, to abandon myself for someone else, I wouldn't be much of a woman, would I?
maanantai 1. kesäkuuta 2015
"Later" reached me
When things pile up, all you want to do is avoid them as long as you can. I usually make a list or mark the things in my phone's calendar and then postpone them several times. Now, after days of dodging the responsibilities, I took a deep breath and did everything I was supposed to. It's fine if the tasks are urgent, then you really do them immediately, but applying for student allowance for the summertime, for example, is something I wasn't eager to do.
Okay, I cheated a bit, I postponed one more task, but only because it's almost too late to make that phone call today. Almost. So, tomorrow it is.
I really do not know why I do this, as I know how annoying it is to have the list burning in your pocket, screaming for the tasks to be done and crossed off the list. However, the feeling of empty confusion after finishing it all is great. Now I think I'll spend the rest of the evening relaxing by exhausting myself at the gym first and maybe watching a movie afterwards. Ah, vacation!
Okay, I cheated a bit, I postponed one more task, but only because it's almost too late to make that phone call today. Almost. So, tomorrow it is.
I really do not know why I do this, as I know how annoying it is to have the list burning in your pocket, screaming for the tasks to be done and crossed off the list. However, the feeling of empty confusion after finishing it all is great. Now I think I'll spend the rest of the evening relaxing by exhausting myself at the gym first and maybe watching a movie afterwards. Ah, vacation!
keskiviikko 27. toukokuuta 2015
Quest for peace of mind
When I was younger, I used to picture my life ahead, seeing these pretty images dominated by clarity and simplicity. Like a glittery sticker, a fairytale where nothing was too complicated.
I've built a solid foundation for my character, the Maisa everyone knows. Hard-working, reliable, diligent, helpful, responsible, punctual, in control. I highly value those things and I've concentrated on perfecting them so much that I have, perhaps unconsciously, begun to lose the choice. I always say yes, I always agree, I always step up so others don't need to. I like it, but I have lost the moment of deciding, as the answer comes so easily, of course I will.
I don't think I can do it anymore, not like this. I think I'm reaching a breakthrough in figuring out some very basic issues of my personality and my life, finally starting to piece together dreams that aren't for once based on expectation or habituation.
Now the car packed with my life is just ahead of me, and I am holding on to the back bumper. I'm holding on tight, and I know I won't fall just yet. After the next hill I might be able to reach out my other arm and get a better grip.
Then again, I said that after the last hill. And the one before that.
I'm always working among people, getting to know them and helping others to get to know each other. But now, I think it's time for me to get to know myself. To re-evaluate, to explore what I want, what I need and what I hope for.
For the past year and a half I've been trying to find myself by finding someone else. Now I see that the person I should have been and should be looking for is actually me, and somehow I am a little relieved.
I've built a solid foundation for my character, the Maisa everyone knows. Hard-working, reliable, diligent, helpful, responsible, punctual, in control. I highly value those things and I've concentrated on perfecting them so much that I have, perhaps unconsciously, begun to lose the choice. I always say yes, I always agree, I always step up so others don't need to. I like it, but I have lost the moment of deciding, as the answer comes so easily, of course I will.
I don't think I can do it anymore, not like this. I think I'm reaching a breakthrough in figuring out some very basic issues of my personality and my life, finally starting to piece together dreams that aren't for once based on expectation or habituation.
Now the car packed with my life is just ahead of me, and I am holding on to the back bumper. I'm holding on tight, and I know I won't fall just yet. After the next hill I might be able to reach out my other arm and get a better grip.
Then again, I said that after the last hill. And the one before that.
I'm always working among people, getting to know them and helping others to get to know each other. But now, I think it's time for me to get to know myself. To re-evaluate, to explore what I want, what I need and what I hope for.
For the past year and a half I've been trying to find myself by finding someone else. Now I see that the person I should have been and should be looking for is actually me, and somehow I am a little relieved.
maanantai 25. toukokuuta 2015
La conclusión y el comienzo
Tendría
que escuchar la voz interna más a menudo. Ahora que empiezo a pensar, me doy cuenta de que cada vez he sabido exactamente lo que quiero, pero he
tenido demasiado miedo de admitirlo. A veces ha estado tan vacío mi
corazón, a veces tan lleno, que no me he atrevido decir lo que
necesito decir, hacer lo más correcto para mí. He pasado horas y
horas luchando conmigo misma sobre la indecisión que me paraliza.
La
guerra entre lo que es bueno para mí y lo que es bueno para los
demás siempre me distrae de la verdad. ¿Pero si no me
desestabilizara la contradicción, sería sólo una criatura fría e
indiferente? No sé si podría ser yo misma si no me molestara el
egoísmo.
La
distancia ayuda, es más fácil pensar con claridad. Un momento en
que estás contento con sólo tú mismo, nadie más, para recordar
que estás viviendo esta vida para ti.
Hay
ciertas cosas que sé con certeza. Conozco la sensación que te
grita, fuerte y alto, que estás segura que esto es correcto, sabes
sin ninguna duda que eso es lo que quieres y necesitas. Lo tengo por
mis planes, mis sueños, por quien soy. Y quiero más, mucho más.
sunnuntai 24. toukokuuta 2015
Tranquility
Somehow I'm still trying to get to that point of realization that I'm really on vacation. It's always been a huge deal, everyone's made a big fuss about the beginning of the summer vacation but this year it just sort of happened without noticing. And it's a long vacation, I won't have to get back to the normal routines until the beginning of September. However, I won't have much time to slack this summer, as I'll be running from camp to camp and trying to do some studying in between as well. It's all sort of absurd, it's like I have all the time in the world to relax and do nice stuff but still I'll be busy as ever.
I also feel a bit empty. I feel like I have reached the end of an era by finishing the freshmen year, so much has happened. Things started, things ended. People came, people left. I found my place, but I'm constantly learning and I am both excited and a little afraid to see what the future holds. I've got a clean slate now, once again.
Walking along the almost too familiar road at home in the countryside yesterday I felt different. I felt that, for the first time, I'm just passing by. I'm not tied here anymore the way I've been so far, I'm not going to be stuck here all summer. I have things to do, places to go, I have the world to explore. The realization made me appreciate it all a lot more; my childhood, my upbringing in the countryside in a steady environment and among a loving family. Moreover, I felt calm. Yes, I have tons of exciting, new things to try but I am not in a hurry. I have a busy summer ahead, but for now I can just lift my face up to the sunshine, close my eyes, listen to the distant cuckoo of the birds and smile. I am home.
I also feel a bit empty. I feel like I have reached the end of an era by finishing the freshmen year, so much has happened. Things started, things ended. People came, people left. I found my place, but I'm constantly learning and I am both excited and a little afraid to see what the future holds. I've got a clean slate now, once again.
Walking along the almost too familiar road at home in the countryside yesterday I felt different. I felt that, for the first time, I'm just passing by. I'm not tied here anymore the way I've been so far, I'm not going to be stuck here all summer. I have things to do, places to go, I have the world to explore. The realization made me appreciate it all a lot more; my childhood, my upbringing in the countryside in a steady environment and among a loving family. Moreover, I felt calm. Yes, I have tons of exciting, new things to try but I am not in a hurry. I have a busy summer ahead, but for now I can just lift my face up to the sunshine, close my eyes, listen to the distant cuckoo of the birds and smile. I am home.
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