When I was younger, I used to picture my life ahead, seeing these pretty images dominated by clarity and simplicity. Like a glittery sticker, a fairytale where nothing was too complicated.
I've built a solid foundation for my character, the Maisa everyone knows. Hard-working, reliable, diligent, helpful, responsible, punctual, in control. I highly value those things and I've concentrated on perfecting them so much that I have, perhaps unconsciously, begun to lose the choice. I always say yes, I always agree, I always step up so others don't need to. I like it, but I have lost the moment of deciding, as the answer comes so easily, of course I will.
I don't think I can do it anymore, not like this. I think I'm reaching a breakthrough in figuring out some very basic issues of my personality and my life, finally starting to piece together dreams that aren't for once based on expectation or habituation.
Now the car packed with my life is just ahead of me, and I am holding on to the back bumper. I'm holding on tight, and I know I won't fall just yet. After the next hill I might be able to reach out my other arm and get a better grip.
Then again, I said that after the last hill. And the one before that.
I'm
always working among people, getting to know them and helping
others to get to know each other. But now, I think it's time for me
to get to know myself. To re-evaluate, to explore what I want, what I need and what I hope for.
For the past year and a half I've been trying to find myself by finding someone else. Now I see that the person I should have been and should be looking for is actually me, and somehow I am a little relieved.
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