As I've recently stated, I'm on a self-discovery mission this summer and although it might sound silly and pretentious, I am actually serious about it. I just had a great conversation with a friend about girls' self respect when it comes to men, and it made me think about something closely related to both of these topics, as well as my life for the past two years or so. Independence, what is it really? I claim to be independent, but how does it show? Or am I fooling myself?
The inspiration for this post goes beyond the obvious freedom and practical benefits of independence as in living on your own and finding your own path when it comes to education and career. This is about healthy selfishness, knowing your worth and not letting anyone else dictate your happiness. Although I might be doing really well in the easy kind of independence, I sometimes struggle with it in the deeper sense.
To me being independent and needing to rely on other people's help every once in a while don't rule each other out. It is strength to be able to admit one's own flaws and to ask for help when needed. Asking for an opinion isn't giving up on your own choice either, as long as you're not looking for a direct solution to your dilemma. The thing with asking for an opinion, you know, is that it is just an opinion that you'll get. Nevertheless, I am not ashamed to admit that I need other people a lot. I think it might have to do with my tendency to try to do what's best for everyone, I want to find out how my choices and decisions would affect people. Moreover, I often feel like I need that extra push to actually operate when I'm already pondering about something in my head, a little nudge saying it's okay to do your thing. And I don't think it makes me any less independent.
At the moment I feel like I only have strength to be independent on my own. What I believe is the key to existing in a relationship as equals is that both the people in it are independent on their own first and then share their lives together, but not letting go of themselves as individuals. Every time I've ever had a relationship or even an attempt to that direction, I've immersed myself in it so much that it's become a bubble in my head, a world that only exists with that person but also makes everything else disappear. And the problem with everything else fading into the background is that I've later realized that I also faded. And it is just not okay to define yourself through someone else or their actions.
Before I'll want someone purely for the person they are, I won't succeed. If even a part of me is willing to settle for a bit of affection or infatuates with attention blind from reality, I'm in the wrong. If I'd be willing to sell my independence for a moment of heat, to follow like a sheep, to abandon myself for someone else, I wouldn't be much of a woman, would I?
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