It's turning against me

I'm really starting to wonder whether I really like responsibility or if I've just got myself into such positions just because I could and I was expected to. The thing that bugs me so much is that sometimes, when you share the responsibility, other people fuck up or totally unrelated factors create obstacles and I feel all the weight of that. 

I know it's not my fault that things don't go as planned  but hell, if we're organizing something and there appears to be a throwback around every corner and it seems like nobody gives a rat's ass, I am not really left with loads of motivation to encourage people to have fun with us. 

They are little things, and not even that serious, but when they pile up and it just keeps on going and I feel like I'm alone in the mess that is just hanging there really messy, I feel like all I want is to raise my hands and deny having anything to do with it.

I'm so irritated that I'm struggling with keeping the text more or less reader-friendly. I'd really just like to curse. A lot.

And the thing is, that I've been here before. I've felt this same irritation before, knowing that I've brought it on myself by gathering all these responsibilities and I hate it. I'm like a junkie addicted to something that they don't even like.

Yeah, I don't even like it. Why the hell do I keep signing up for it?

Hey it's still light outside

Somehow I feel like my posts recently have been pretty dark and mysteriously sad. I don't really know what's up with that, I guess the emphasis comes from the fact that in those moments I've felt the most inspired to write, to get it all out of my system to make myself feel better. Anyway, I haven't been all depressed lately, I've had really great time as well. Last weekend, for example, was perfect! I visited my sister in Helsinki, went to see an amazing concert by the most popular Finnish pop-rock band, spent some quality time with my wonderful friends and then came home to my family. It's sort of a fall vacation for me, since I don't have any exams that would normally take place this week.

However, I gotta admit, this fall has been a lot about soul-searching and puzzled feelings. I am more confused and emotional than before, but I think I'm already starting to get some sense to it all. Acknowledging certain issues and starting to think outside the box, for instance. I think I still battle with the same questions I've been dealing with for years, and as I move forward in baby steps, I find myself tripping over the same stone I already thought I had jumped over. Like one of my favorite quotes says, "it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply".

But for now, I only hope the near future holds some happy feelings to be felt deeply. So it should, as I finished one course so, hopefully, I'll have more time to go to the gym or long walks around the lake, color my coloring book, write, read, see my friends and my sisters and everything else that will make me happy.

From the shady side of the heart

Bark, and I will flinch. Show your disappointment, and I will bow under the weight of the failed expectations. But when you are hurt, I will be too, I'll take the anxiety and fear and the thing you feel when you have a lump in your throat and I'll feel it and I'll try to make it better but I'm afraid I can't. I'll cry 'cause all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy so I could be happy, but how can I be happy when you're not? I'll scream for all the times I was strong when all I needed was a little bit of comfort, I'll shout for all the hugs I pretended I did not care for when I just needed someone to know.

It's funny how you see clearer looking down from a hill. Funny how you look at the tree leaves that glow golden against the sun and you feel as cold as the air.

I realized that every morning I stare at a mirror, but I can't remember the last time I really looked.

Wait, what?

I just bought plane tickets!! The most expensive thing I've bought in my life but it'll be totally worth it. I'll have to make my way through London and Dallas before I get to my destination but I'm sure I can handle that, especially after all the weirdness that went down while booking the tickets. Damned website maintenance projects. However, I got to practice my English skills on the phone and finally, everything was sorted out, though I'll probably have a huge phone bill. Anyway, all is well and I've got the key to flying away, literally, and I couldn't be more excited! Peru, here I come!

In a bit over four months, but I'm coming!

Travel jitters five months early

Ever since I got the final acceptance for my exchange from the university I'm going to, I've started to try to understand that it is really going to happen in a few months. Somehow it seems impossible to grasp; I'm the person who dreams, not the one who lives the picture-perfect adventures, right? I guess it's not true anymore, or at least it won't be. 

I just looked at flights (which are cheaper than I expected) and read another girl's blog who is doing her exchange in Peru now and I needed to stop to catch a breath. It is totally overwhelming, and while I have never been this excited about anything, at times I feel somehow paralyzed. I am the kind of person who finds comfort in routines, and also someone who might explode from feeling too much and I am concerned about how I'll survive there. Language-wise, studying-wise and living-wise yes, with a little adjustment, but emotionally or psychologically, that's another thing. It might be really hard, but it also could feel like exactly what I'm supposed to do. Anyway, I feel like it is almost ridiculous how amazing an opportunity I've been given.

In my world, a trip to the city was something super exciting when I was a child. In my world, seeing a sunset takes my breath away. In my world, traveling to all kinds of exotic places happens only in imagination. So, I'm trying to say that I do not take this lightly.

Dreams have always been these fairy tales that end when you open your eyes or turn to the last page, but this time it's different. I know it will be the experience of a lifetime, and it is scary as hell.

Circles

And I hear it and I am sad, because it is so beautifully appealing to the words I did not even think yet. How can you miss something you haven't lost yet, how can you fix what haven't been broken yet?

A word after another and I imagine it, the feelings are lost in the blank film. But then I find them in the unsuspecting second of jumping, laughing, singing out of happiness, the tears start trembling behind my eyelids and I squeeze them shut.

I believe that music and emotions dance on the same frequencies, and when they meet, true beauty is found.

What's up?

I always say that "next week it'll get easier, I'll have more time to just hang out", and I'm always wrong. Well, this week I have three whole days when I don't have anything planned yet (although one is reserved for...the day after), so that pretty much counts as keeping the promise. I've been super busy with stuff, most of which is really nice, though. I had a party to celebrate my recent ageing, and my friends baked me a llama cake. How amazing is that? I think nobody's ever done anything that cool for me. 

Having lots of activities is nice and it keeps life interesting and changing, but somehow after a while even varying activities can start feeling numb. I hope I won't lose the thrill of participating in all the planning, schedules and responsibilities. I've been feeling somehow restless lately, and I can't quite figure out why. Do I miss something in my life, do I need something more? Am I making myself happy or just getting through life? Besides, I've had really bizarre dreams, which are too weird to even tell. However, it makes me uneasy to recognize in them needs or wishes that are not so nice to recognize, and although they present themselves in weird or non-literal ways, they are still there. Damn my dreams, I'd rather not think about that kind of stuff. Ignorance is a bliss, they say. Don't they?

One of the amazing birthday presents I got was this super popular mindfulness-coloring book for adults. When I first heard about them I thought it's crap, but when I tried it once I loved it. And now I can color as much as I want, which is actually really therapeutic. You just simply don't think about anything else while you're trying to fill each teeny tiny tree leaf with color, which is perfect for me. Speaking of perfect, the coloring book is killing my perfectionism. I don't know what's up with it, but my patience and hand-eye-coordination is just not sufficient to be excellent at it, I am having major trouble staying within the lines. It's a coloring book for adults, and my work looks like it was done by a 5-year-old, but I don't care. It's my therapy. Or, a really bad influence on my neurotic part, I haven't decided yet. Somehow I always feel a need to do it logically by some weird definition, to finish a certain stage in each image before I can take a break or quit for the day. I'm so weird, I know.

I feel like change is coming in one way or another. It makes me excited but also causes me flashbacks of the past, of the moments when I felt comfortable, happy, safe. And I know going back is not the answer, it would be a mistake to hold on too tight. Letting go on some abstract level, letting go of something I can't even grasp in a concrete sense is what I need to do. Maybe I'm just being sentimental, or scared of the unknown. All I know is that it's really hard to analyze something you can't even verbalize, but I'm staying optimistic and I'll try to get some sense into these thoughts.