What's up?

I always say that "next week it'll get easier, I'll have more time to just hang out", and I'm always wrong. Well, this week I have three whole days when I don't have anything planned yet (although one is reserved for...the day after), so that pretty much counts as keeping the promise. I've been super busy with stuff, most of which is really nice, though. I had a party to celebrate my recent ageing, and my friends baked me a llama cake. How amazing is that? I think nobody's ever done anything that cool for me. 

Having lots of activities is nice and it keeps life interesting and changing, but somehow after a while even varying activities can start feeling numb. I hope I won't lose the thrill of participating in all the planning, schedules and responsibilities. I've been feeling somehow restless lately, and I can't quite figure out why. Do I miss something in my life, do I need something more? Am I making myself happy or just getting through life? Besides, I've had really bizarre dreams, which are too weird to even tell. However, it makes me uneasy to recognize in them needs or wishes that are not so nice to recognize, and although they present themselves in weird or non-literal ways, they are still there. Damn my dreams, I'd rather not think about that kind of stuff. Ignorance is a bliss, they say. Don't they?

One of the amazing birthday presents I got was this super popular mindfulness-coloring book for adults. When I first heard about them I thought it's crap, but when I tried it once I loved it. And now I can color as much as I want, which is actually really therapeutic. You just simply don't think about anything else while you're trying to fill each teeny tiny tree leaf with color, which is perfect for me. Speaking of perfect, the coloring book is killing my perfectionism. I don't know what's up with it, but my patience and hand-eye-coordination is just not sufficient to be excellent at it, I am having major trouble staying within the lines. It's a coloring book for adults, and my work looks like it was done by a 5-year-old, but I don't care. It's my therapy. Or, a really bad influence on my neurotic part, I haven't decided yet. Somehow I always feel a need to do it logically by some weird definition, to finish a certain stage in each image before I can take a break or quit for the day. I'm so weird, I know.

I feel like change is coming in one way or another. It makes me excited but also causes me flashbacks of the past, of the moments when I felt comfortable, happy, safe. And I know going back is not the answer, it would be a mistake to hold on too tight. Letting go on some abstract level, letting go of something I can't even grasp in a concrete sense is what I need to do. Maybe I'm just being sentimental, or scared of the unknown. All I know is that it's really hard to analyze something you can't even verbalize, but I'm staying optimistic and I'll try to get some sense into these thoughts.