Pieces

Confusion, exhaustion. Why do I keep gathering these activities that are pleasing to do but very quickly consume me? 

Once again, it feels like the mental pause I get from going home is turning against me, I feel like I should be back in my own place taking care of all the responsibilities I've taken on. Maybe I should just adjust my brain to see the reasons why I took them on in the first place to fight the urge to give in to the part of me that says being reckless is worth it.

It is, though, I feel so alive when I do what I truly, deeply want. Just for me. Instinctively, passionately, peacefully, furiously.

But then again, I cannot look at myself in the mirror if I don't have all the threads together. I cannot quit now, I built this too well to make it come crashing down. And no matter how hard I try, I will always find a way to get them back.

I know there's nothing I can do now, all the responsibilities and matters that require organizing will take place when they are supposed to. But how do I let go of the feeling of being in charge so that I can rest? Rest from being the responsible one, the one who always knows what to do, the one who has it all together.

I want to close my eyes and let the river take me wherever, I don't want to even care about the destination. I just want to be, trust the universe and feel.