Almost lazy

I could watch a movie. After 5 minutes I turned it off. I could go for a walk. Or not. I should look for a job. Nobody works on weekends, so neither will I. I'm hungry. I'll eat later. I want to do something fun. I ended up lying on the sofa. Somehow today's theme has been "I could, but I won't bother". Okay, fine. That is a pretty common theme nowadays.
 

Eye for an eye... or an apology?

Lately I have been watching the tv-series called Revenge. I just want to say that it is incredible. There are so many things that make you addicted to watching it. The plot has a new twist around every corner and the characters are really intriguing. A lot of free time and two complete seasons you can't stop watching sounds good, though I actually spent a little too much time watching them, since it didn't take long at all. Well, what's done is done and now I caught the American speed so I don't have the luxury of deciding to watch it whenever I want. Instead, I have to wait for a week for a new episode. Boring. Anyway, one reason that makes the series so good is that the main point in it is different from other series. The main character Emily has dedicated her entire life to revenging her father's death which for me is almost incomprehensible but at the same time makes perfectly sense. 

I have never been wronged in a way that would have left me a need to really get back at someone. Yeah, I've been hurt and angry at people. The truth is, though, that I am not a person who gets angry often. Annoyed, yes, and often. But I can't even imagine being so angry at someone that I'd want to destory them or make them suffer the way I did. I am simply too compassionate a person to want any harm to others. There have been times when it has crossed my mind, but the thought of hurting someone, even though they've hurt me, is just something I can't take. There's only one exception to that, and it is sparring in kickboxing trainings. Trust me, when someone throws a punch straight in your face, you go for blood. But in case I hit my target, I apologise, which proves my point. 

I don't see the point of making yourself feel better by causing that pain to someone else. Hitting another person doesn't heal my bruise, insulting somebody else doesn't take away the insult I had to take. I can't take pleasure in imagining a hurtful payback, instead, I feel their pain as well. There have been times when I have wanted not to feel like it and let the other one suffer. Due to my intolerance of guilt I forgive easily, but only if I know or hear that the other one is really feeling remorse over what they did or said. Forgetting is easier that forgiving.

 

 

White as snow, black as ebony

Kuopio, Finland this afternoon. Even though I was there and took this picture and I see this everytime I have a look out of the window, I still can't quite believe that it really looks like that out there. Especially when there's something so wrong in the feeling you get when you go out. From inside the house my first thoughts are like yay, Christmas is coming! But once I am outside, the atmosphere is totally changed and it almost feels like Easter is around the corner. That's when you realise what time of the year it actually is and how it doesn't feel like it at all.

However white or black the nature is, I had a disturbing realization. It is in fact over the middle of October and I have no idea where all the time went. I feel like the time is moving so fast but I am not moving with it. I do have moments when I catch up and ride the first wave of the present. But there are times when I get lost in doing nothing, robotically repeating the only ways I can think of to function at all in this episode of my life. The episode where I am waiting with unanswered questions, plans that aren't put into action yet, activities that I want but can't have. I am frustrated.

I know I could and I should and I can but all that takes effort and I sometimes struggle with seeing the point in making it. I know that being active is the only way to stay active, but I keep losing the balance. Nevertheless, getting stuck to one thing is always being stuck until you make a decision to change it. But the thing with decisions is that they're nothing until you make a decision to start executing it.
 

Smart & speedy & stupid?

Yeah, I get the point of drive-in fast food restaurants. It makes sense, you are in a hurry or don't want to waste time while you're traveling, so it is simple and easy to queue without leaving your car to be free to continue the journey immediately. Good food, better mood. Done that, proved it is efficient. Well, on Wednesday I saw something I had never seen before and it made me wonder how far are we willing to go to ease our daily activities. It was a drive-in pharmacy. Really? You are honestly too busy to get out of the car? Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually it doesn't even take that long to deal with your errands inside. Yeah I get the benefit of speed but still, I'd call that serious laziness. Maybe they should give free pills for that there as well. 
I heard them talking on the radio how it is possible to make a grocery list online and the store will send you the order. In some cases that is probably smart if you calculate the costs of home delivery versus the costs of gas and the time spent on the shopping trip. My concern is, however, if this will become a more common phenomenon in our society. Could it work and where? 

Well, now that I think about it, children's daycare system is already working with the same idea. You drive to the kindergarten, drop your kids and drive away. Yeah there are some messy parts included, like crying and bags and change of information and the kids' temper issues. But basically it isn't far from it. As for the new ideas, a drive-in clothing store would be a huge relief when you need some certain piece of clothing really badly and don't have the time or the energy to search for it in a million different stores. However, that idea is born dead since assuming that it would be a common system, the fashion industry would be useless. Besides, identity issues might increase drastically when everyone looked like they came straight from the assembly line.

What is too much then? Since it is possible to get your medicine by opening the car window, how about we imagine that the first stop on that road was a drive-in doctor's office. Well, based on the stories you sometimes hear when people complain about the health care system, that might even work. Seriously, it would be enough to have the microphone where you could explain your symptoms and then they'd guide you to one of the three places: one where you get cortisone, another with antibiotics and the last one with a recorded voice saying "we'll keep an eye on the situation".

A little exaggeration is always good to prove a point. This time the point is both the insanity of the subject I am writing about and the remark to doctors. To be fair, I admit that I don't need to use the services of our health care system very much so I am only talking about stories I've heard. No offense to those doctors who actually examine what's wrong and do something about it.

Appropriate to the theme, I guess.

 



 

Time heals all wounds, doesn't it?

Today I found something the existence of which I had totally forgotten. I am talking about my diary from a few years ago. I hesitated a while before opening it since, well, quite often you feel ashamed of the things you've done, said or written when you were a lot younger. I didn't expect to read the things I read there, I was so amazed by the content of it. It felt like the girl who wrote that was someone completely different than the girl I am today. I guess that's a good sign that some growth has happened, but I think I probably should get rid of that diary. I am no longer her and I don't want to be.

Looking back at the period of my life that I wrote the diary, I am really glad I did it. I definitely needed it back then. I was younger, more naive, didn't know much about life. I don't claim to be much wiser now, but at least I can see some things more clearly and put things into perspective. The girl who was about to start high school had just started to take her first steps into the real world, out of her comfort zone. Starting to become an adult, little by little, experience by experience. She was a dreamer, which hasn't completely changed, but now I build my dreams without the blindfold of naivety. She hoped to find something, to be something. 

Unlike how it might have seemed, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me. I had a lot of worries and thoughts, but I kept them all to myself. I have to admit, it hurt to read my own vulnerable words that were meant only for me. Is it possible to feel sorry for someone else who at the same time is myself?

One thing that surprised me was how little I remembered of it all. I mean, when I read my messy words I felt like I was right there in that moment once again, I could feel and remember them perfectly. But hadn't I found the diary, I wouldn't have thought those thoughts and remembered those events. Maybe it's healthy that your mind doesn't want you to keep thinking about hurtful memories but it still makes me wonder if I have simply dealt with the issues and moved on or just tried to forget. What made a bigger impact on me, though, was that instead of the bad memories I found my pondering over life's huge unanswered questions so deeply touching. Most of the bad things I believe I finally dealt with, but the simple, yet so truthful lines I wrote about how I see the world are still really close to my heart.

Around the time high school started, I had written a list with 20 goals that I want to achieve during the three years of high school. I was really surprised to notice that 18 of them really happened. I don't mind that I missed the two on the list that didn't happen 'cause I truly believe they have been replaced with much more valuable goals achieved. I am proud of managing to live up to my hopes about high school since not all of the goals were simple. 

My diary showed me my most sensitive side but it was also a reminder to be honest to myself. I was back then. As much as I'd like to, I can't say that I still always am. Who knows, maybe after many years I'll read this blog wondering how different my view of the world was and be happy that I have had something to rely on while growing up.

I want you to listen to this song purely because I think it is beautiful.

 

One step at a time

Today I walked ten kilometers. Yeah, just for fun. A few hours after that I drove to the same destination by car to pick up my sister form the bus stop and felt kind of stupid, since I had spent about 1,5 hours walking the route back and forth and then I drove it in 10 minutes. But time flies when you're having fun, they say, and that's what happened today, too. I went for that walk with my friend who lives near my home and we had her dog with us. We talked a lot so the journey didn't feel long at all. The dog might have disagreed, but lucky for us he couldn't do anything about it.

The thing with living in the countryside is that you can really walk 5 km along the road and you still don't see streetlights or much traffic (though we were amazed and a little annoyed when like 10 cars passed us, that is a lot of traffic around here). Instead, there are forests, lakes, fields and okay yeah, some houses. But you get a little peace and quiet (though I guess there wasn't even a moment of silence this time since I hadn't seen my friend in a long time). Hmm I just made a statement and undermined it right away. Twice... I could form a debate team of one! Anyway, it wouldn't be nearly as nice to walk in the city and see a house after another and you'd have to stop to wait for the traffic lights to turn green in every corner.

It is almost two months since the burning injury and I am really glad that I have finally been able to start doing sports little by little. Also, I think I'll go to sauna soon! It's a big deal for a Finnish person not to go to sauna in two months, especially since I usually go to sauna like three times a week. We'll see if I get a panic attack with flashbacks of boiling water on me or not. I hope not. However, I've always liked sauna so I am glad I can get it back in my life.

 

Beauty and a beat

They played this song on the radio a while ago already and I did like it then, but it wasn't until very recently that I really started to like it. I 'm not sure what is it that makes it so good, well of course it is quite cathcy and he sings incredibly well. I guess there is some attractive arrogance that just makes you want to hear it again and again. Basically what he sings isn't so special, he just wants to get laid but he manages to propose it in a really sweet, yet a little rude way. I also like the parts in the video when it seems like his movement is going back and forth the same thing but everything around him continues moving in normal time. Cool.

Kim Cesarion - Undressed

Sorry I couldn't put the video here like usually, don't know why but I just couldn't find it :o not my fault...