Humility

A challenge after another wears down even the strongest people. Each time I thought it's safe to catch a breath, another incident occurred, another mental earthquake that shook my world a little bit. And I had no choice but to hold on tight to the fragile pieces so they would last as one until it would be over, as I could not fall apart for the sake of those who needed me to be the leader, the strong one, to have the threads sorted out, tightly grasped in my hands.

The glass was so close to being full so many times that even the slightest jolt made it splash all over. My emotions went from zero to hundred in a blink of an eye and the pressure made me scream without a sound.

And when I thought that it's all over now, that this is the easy part, the world hit me with something so unexpected that I questioned everything; my memory, my experience, my intuition, my vision, my belief in people and maybe even in justice. Can one person's nightmare be another one's bliss? I am praying that it is true.

I bend, as I feel the weight that I've been carrying for a long while. I am starting to let it fall down but I am scared. I am numb for feeling so much in such a brief period of time. All I can say is that this week has been a learning experience like no other, and I genuinely hope it will make me stronger and wiser. 

In many ways I succeeded and of those moments I am proud. I found the voice of my morality, and it appeared in a moment I never would have imagined. Despite of everything, I held myself together so the entire community would stay intact. I did my best, but I know it wasn't always enough. There were moments with people who would have needed more support, more encouragement and more time, which I was not able to provide. 

In the speech I gave today I urged the youngsters to be humble towards the nature and towards life. The words did not come from me, but I feel like that is the most hauntingly beautiful lesson that I could take with me from this experience as the one to guide me forward.

Anticipation

Here we go, the last camp of the summer is starting tomorrow. I'm a little terrified, but excited. Terrified for no reason, though, as I know that the people working there are great and I've got it all planned. I had a nightmare about it last night where a bus drove over the camp kids, though, which was not really the nicest way to wake up. 

I'm so relieved that my exam went well on Monday, that's half of the summer's studies finished! And I so had had it with semantics, a few more pages and my head would have exploded. After the camp I'll just need to write a 10-page essay about expertise at a work organization and I'm free. Two weeks in Spain is the most perfect reward I could have picked for myself, besides, I hear that it's really hot in Madrid now. That will be a welcome change to the +15 degrees we've got here.

After the super busy beginning of the summer, I've actually managed to relax a bit as well, which has been great. I've been hanging out with friends; geocaching, picnics, movie nights and walks around the city during those two hot days we had. I've also been able to go to the gym, which I totally love. Really didn't think in January when I started going there that it would become such an important part of my everyday life, a part that I hugely miss when I am unable to go.

I'm really excited about the trip to Madrid and nearby cities, as it'll be different from any trip so far. I have no idea where we'll stay or really so much about what we'll do, but for once it sounds perfect. Time to relax, do whatever we feel like doing in the moment. Hopefully we'll have the chance to try Couchsurfing, it would be great to get to know some new people who could provide us with a couch to sleep on and maybe even a tour around their favorite places. After my best friend returns to Finland, I'm gonna keep going on my own, and I'm pretty sure which cities I'll visit. All in all, I'm thrilled about this chance to test my Spanish as I'm getting gorgeously tanned under the southern sun.

Okay, who am I kidding, I'll be red as a fire truck. But it'll turn brown at some point, hopefully by the time I'm back here.

Strange things

I've been re-watching the O.C. and although I love that show, there are so many things that I find completely odd and unnatural. I don't think it's a phenomenon strictly related to this series but evident in most TV-series, all the most normal everyday activities are either ignored or twisted. Why on earth are we expected to act normal about the weird stuff they do?

Let's take breakfast, for example. Usually they just eat a handful or two of dry cereal straight from the box and that's it. Everybody seems to take a cup of coffee (black, nobody apparently uses milk or sugar) and takes a sip and then leaves the cup. But that's not even the worst part, oh no, the worst part is when they've actually made the effort of setting up a really nice breakfast. Baked pancakes or muffins or whatever. What happens? Everyone gets to the kitchen, glances at the food, claims to be in a hurry or quickly develop a huge, dramatic twist of the events and the pancakes are left on the table. Why, people, why? Breakfast is the best part of the day.

I don't know how the visiting culture is in the U.S, but somehow to me it seems weird that everyone keeps stopping by at each other's places. Isn't it considered rude to show up unannounced? Besides, usually they don't even have anything important to say. Also, it seems to be normal to have no need for planning anything; you might as well drive to work and then back home and then remember you left something at the office and drive back and then come back home and then decide suddenly to make a road trip to the next city and then you come back pretty late at night and all of a sudden you have to pop in to see a friend to apologize for something you did. Seems logical.

Then, birthdays. Years go by, and the birthdays of the main characters aren't even mentioned. Instead, hugely ridiculous commercial festivals like the Valentine's Day gets an entire episode per fictional year. How fair is that?

Moreover, the weirdest thing just happened. A character finds another one dead, and how does he react? A inexplicable look on his face he tries his pulse, sighs deeply and sits down on the bench on which the old guy died sitting. No calls to 911, no rush, no panic. Just a sigh and a long stare at the ocean until the scene changes. What's up with these people?

I get it that TV-series aren't supposed to cover each minute of the characters' lives but still. At least finish your breakfast.

Liberty

The feeling of going to the grocery store, weighing apples and whatever, is something you really take for granted. After almost a month of camps and staying at my parents' place  where everything is ready but not in your control, it feels so good to do my own thing for a while.

Okay, for a week. But still.

Also, studying is a piece of cake after camps. I just read a 200-page book in a bit more than two days and made notes of it. Semantics might be more boring than it seemed, I'm just so thrilled to be doing something else for a change. 

Now I'll continue my evening doing something else that could often be taken for granted; going for a coffee with a friend. Looking forward to it!

Midsummer night's dream

Sipping a glass of red wine, the piano and the violin of Canon in D playing in my ears, looking outside to the brightest summer night, it's a good time for some reflection. Not sure where to begin, though. I thought I'd have time to think, time to take a step back and stop for a minute, but I've been completely occupied by organizing activities, brushing 6-year-olds' teeth and patching up little injuries. Half of my summer camps are over and I am a little frightened by how fast it happened. However, in the midst of socially chaotic and exhausting two weeks, I've still perhaps learned something.

There are certain things I feel that I completely own, I am my most comfortable self with. Then there are things, places, where I feel like I cannot fully exist as I am, not without choosing to leave something out. And the things I felt that were mine aren't anymore, and they don't belong. They don't belong to who I am when I adjust to be happy. It's a collision of contradictions, a harsh revelation of what matters the most, even though I might be too hesitant to admit it.

I think I'm strong, I'm content, I'm determined and then I just freeze. It's like a bucket full of ice water over my head, followed by a few hard slaps in the face. And I question everything, I doubt everything I have ever thought or promised to myself, and I feel powerless. Vulnerable. 

But then I gather the pieces I dropped and try to keep going. And I tell myself that it's okay to be lost and that I'll find the purpose of all this confusion someday soon. But I fear that I am putting my hope to the wrong things, that I might ruin them by expecting them to fix something I can't quite comprehend.

Once again, I feel different looking at the world. I started to realize that you can't just say that you follow a philosophy and expect to internalize its principals merely by making the decision. I guess I tried to skip to the better part, but I can't. Maybe a part of me scraped together so many activities for the summer dreading the time alone, who knows. Nevertheless, I am positive in spite of all the melancholy, as I know there are great things waiting for me as I stumble through the crammed summer of responsibilities. For once, though, I am trying to find the path of unknown, unplanned. The path I haven't followed before.

Alone but not lonely

As I've recently stated, I'm on a self-discovery mission this summer and although it might sound silly and pretentious, I am actually serious about it. I just had a great conversation with a friend about girls' self respect when it comes to men, and it made me think about something closely related to both of these topics, as well as my life for the past two years or so. Independence, what is it really? I claim to be independent, but how does it show? Or am I fooling myself?

The inspiration for this post goes beyond the obvious freedom and practical benefits of independence as in living on your own and finding your own path when it comes to education and career. This is about healthy selfishness, knowing your worth and not letting anyone else dictate your happiness. Although I might be doing really well in the easy kind of independence, I sometimes struggle with it in the deeper sense.

To me being independent and needing to rely on other people's help every once in a while don't rule each other out. It is strength to be able to admit one's own flaws and to ask for help when needed. Asking for an opinion isn't giving up on your own choice either, as long as you're not looking for a direct solution to your dilemma. The thing with asking for an opinion, you know, is that it is just an opinion that you'll get. Nevertheless, I am not ashamed to admit that I need other people a lot. I think it might have to do with my tendency to try to do what's best for everyone, I want to find out how my choices and decisions would affect people. Moreover, I often feel like I need that extra push to actually operate when I'm already pondering about something in my head, a little nudge saying it's okay to do your thing. And I don't think it makes me any less independent.

At the moment I feel like I only have strength to be independent on my own. What I believe is the key to existing in a relationship as equals is that both the people in it are independent on their own first and then share their lives together, but not letting go of themselves as individuals. Every time I've ever had a relationship or even an attempt to that direction, I've immersed myself in it so much that it's become a bubble in my head, a world that only exists with that person but also makes everything else disappear. And the problem with everything else fading into the background is that I've later realized that I also faded. And it is just not okay to define yourself through someone else or their actions.

Before I'll want someone purely for the person they are, I won't succeed. If even a part of me is willing to settle for a bit of affection or infatuates with attention blind from reality, I'm in the wrong. If I'd be willing to sell my independence for a moment of heat, to follow like a sheep, to abandon myself for someone else, I wouldn't be much of a woman, would I?

"Later" reached me

When things pile up, all you want to do is avoid them as long as you can. I usually make a list or mark the things in my phone's calendar and then postpone them several times. Now, after days of dodging the responsibilities, I took a deep breath and did everything I was supposed to. It's fine if the tasks are urgent, then you really do them immediately, but applying for student allowance for the summertime, for example, is something I wasn't eager to do.

Okay, I cheated a bit, I postponed one more task, but only because it's almost too late to make that phone call today. Almost. So, tomorrow it is.

I really do not know why I do this, as I know how annoying it is to have the list burning in your pocket, screaming for the tasks to be done and crossed off the list. However, the feeling of empty confusion after finishing it all is great. Now I think I'll spend the rest of the evening relaxing by exhausting myself at the gym first and maybe watching a movie afterwards. Ah, vacation!