Hold on

Sometimes I wish I could take a peek into the future and see how things turned out. If the decision I made a year ago proved to be the right one, if the same people are still in my life and whether there is someone totally new. It would be reassuring, somehow, to know that I'll reach something. Not so pleasant if it turned out I hadn't, but still. 

Then I think that it would take the excitement out of it, of the moment of here and now, and I'd lose the element of not knowing what's going to happen. After all, not having a clue is what makes it so magical, but what if the magic just fades away and it's dull all along? Would I look back on right now and do something differently, would I see my life as a series of accomplishments and moments lived to the fullest or a stream of situations and actions, the significance of which more vague than it ever was?

I keep wishing I was already there, I can see it in front of my eyes. The whole picture of all the things that have led to it and how I'd feel. Not perfectly happy, 'cause that's a utopia. I would have found out that happiness is a decision, like love is a construction. And still, in spite of it I'd love, I'd laugh and I'd smile because I chose to and it wouldn't be all the time, but it would be enough. 

Then I come back to right now, and realize that even though I keep myself busy, I feel like drowning under expectations set mostly by myself and responsibilities taken on mostly by myself, I shake my head and let out a little laugh. Silly girl, you are already there, and even though the dream is still there too, like the most perfect glittery sticker of all of those that I used to collect, I can lift my eyes up to the reality. And say that I already know that happiness is not a permanent state, not a goal or a reward; it's in feeling and living and laughing and in the eyes of the other people. And I fall in love with being alive, since even though it's dark, cold and raining, I am here. I am here, I am me, and it's magical now. And it will keep being magical, not all the time, not every day, but it will, if I believe so.

Who knows when the moment of "being there" comes, who knows if it'll ever come. I can only think of every day as my "there" and look back on the things that brought me there. And so have a few more reasons each day, a tiny bit of more experience, a little more understanding and a lot more to find out.