tiistai 3. marraskuuta 2015

Again and again

I wonder whether one of these times it'll finally sink in. I keep having the same realization over and over, just to notice that the previous one took me nowhere. The idea is so right every time, how do I keep still messing it up?

I need to change the concept of selfishness in my head. Now, I almost feel like it's pretty much the worst thing I could do, when in reality I should have a lot more of it to be normal. I matter, what I think and feel should matter in the decisions and promises I make, the actions I take to move forward in life. I should feel my own emotions before anyone else's and I should take my own chances instead of holding myself back to give the space to someone else.

I keep waking up to the thought of me, someone who doesn't really speak up. I have always relied on a figurative partner in crime, a confident, a second opinion, that I've let become the first voice that matters. I have no idea how to let go of such a concept, how do I loose the guilt that keeps asking for other people's opinion and punches mine to the ground before even I know what she was going to say?

The surface says I have it all organized, hey, I'm a camp leader and a teacher student and all that. And for many parts I do, have it together and organized in perfect order. But sometimes, which nowadays isn't that rarely, I accidentally sigh and all the flower petals I just arranged nicely fly away. 



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