Too much but not enough

It's been a while again, but I haven't really been sitting around with nothing to do in a while either. The May Day celebrations are now over (finally) and those ten days will remain in my memories for a long time, I had such a great time getting to know new, awesome people and doing all kinds of crazy things all around Helsinki. I've taken silly pictures, visited plenty of bars, got (asked for) five fake proposals, wrestled in a park and laughed a lot. Thank you all for making this an amazing experience!

After all the craziness, sleep deprivation and the sudden realization and panic that my entrance exams are in a few weeks, it was good to come back home to the countryside to recharge my batteries again. I needed to clear my head and take a look back to see if what I've been lately wondering is really an issue. After I moved to the capital I wrote about finding my place and myself and finally starting to change into the person I wanna be. Well, how do you know when you are going too far? What if you realise that you went past that good place and you want to take a few steps back? How do I know if all I'm going through is a natural part of the process of growing up and maturing or if it's reflecting something that's wrong? I used to feel like I have it all together, now I don't know anymore. Why am I so complex that even I can't figure me out myself...

This very moment, writing this text in my parents' house, in the basement, in the same exact chair I used to sit in every night, the same kind of mysterious thoughts trying to jump from my brain to this blank white space to form a story, brings me back to the time when this was my everyday life. I didn't think it would feel so strange, nor that I'd remember this situation so clearly and vividly from the past. Although everything seems to be the same (I am even wearing the same jacket I always wore back then!) I know that something's different. I am.

Whether it is a good or bad thing, I am not sure. Maybe it's good that it's been bad, or bad though it has been also good. It is possible that the change is good, but how it happened is bad or that maybe the direction of the change was bad from the beginning. However, no matter how I put it and try to judge if I am a better or a worse person than before, one thing is for sure: I am many experiences richer than before. That sentence wasn't what I initially wrote, though, at first I was going to claim that I am stronger than before. I thought of it and decided that it's not yet time to say so. I will say it one day, though, I promise that.