It's been a while

Wow, I haven't written in a long time... I haven't felt the need or the ability to write so far. A lot has happened, good and bad, laughters and tears. A lot of tears lately, in fact.

To sum up these past few months I could say I graduated and have been trying to figure out my life ever since. It was a huge step towards adulthood and unknown to leave the school routine of the past three years and to look ahead into - something. Entrance exams came and went, with zero success as it turned out. As for the good things, I had the most incredible trip of my whole life; I was so relaxed and happy and didn't worry too much. Coming back home wasn't so fun, since it was like a cold hit in the face. Having to come back when you really did not want to leave combined with your future plans and dreams coming crashing down and a 10-degree drop in temperatures was a brutal way of saying "welcome home".

All I can say about what's going on in my head is emptiness surrounded by millions of worries, causes of stress and hopeless wishes. I had it all so planned out and I was really looking forward to my future as a university student with all that comes with it, but I guess there are different plans for me. On one hand I understand the benefits of a gap year and I am excited about it as well but having so much sadness and disappointments at once makes you feel just defeated. I don't feel like I am in control of my own life, and it makes me so scared. A part of me wants to just give up, lie down and let the tears fall down until I can't cry anymore. Another part is just trying to hold it together and trying to see the positive and to encourage me to stay strong. But sometimes it is okay not to be strong, isn't it? Whenever I feel like that, the other part tells me to suck it up, dry the tears and do your job, you don't have time to be sad now, you have others to worry about and work to do, to be responsible and an example and successfull. And that is damned hard.

I really hope I will be able to deal with what I feel right now instead of burying it deep like I usually always do, to figure out what to do next and to find solutions. 
Not being able to do the one thing you really want is suffocating..

This title tells exactly how I feel.