Talking loud, not saying much

Recently I have experienced the difficulty of producing words to spit out to match what is going on in your head. I know I talk a lot, but a lot of it is just superficial chitchat, the producing of which doesn't really require much brain activity. It is easy to talk about nonsense or everyday stuff but when you need to face the simple truth aka what you really think and feel, it gets tough. 

The easiest thing is to answer a direct question. That way you can catch a single piece of information from the never-ending flow of thoughts and it is easier to turn it to a sensible explanation. But when you're asked to open your mouth and let it out, the complexity of forming a smooth and understandable piece of a story can turn out to be surprisingly agonising. You can't untie a knot unless you know where the end is, nor can you solve a puzzle if there are pieces missing. 

You'd think you know what you think. There is nothing more confusing than mixed feelings and thoughts that you are supposed to put in words. There are too many different coloured threads and too many ends so that you don't know where to pull. All I am trying to say that I can't always figure out the mess inside my head and be sure of what I want. In that case, expressing yourself is extremely challenging. There is always so subtle a line between the feeling inside and the meaning of something verbal and therefore crossing that line gives a wrong impression. Trying to avoid that and to speak directly from the heart as honestly as possible sometimes leads to stuttering, half-finished sentences that seem just wrong in the situation and thinking breaks. Tolerating it takes a lot of patience from the conversation partner, I know.

I am trying my best every single time to face my reality both inside and outside. For many people, including me, it is not only yourself that determines how big a mess and a contradiction your thoughts can form with your feelings. The circumstances, other people, facts, life situation and hopes pull you to all kinds of directions and somehow you are just supposed to choose a path to go. Whether it is the right one or not, you can't know until you know. One thing I am sure of, though; I do not want to make hasty desicions. I want to take my time to clear my way through the jungle of thoughts and when it is clear enough to walk, make desicions based on what I've learned along the way.

Here's a good Finnish song, the title of which is true in everyone's life every now and then. But a mess is a good thing because after cleaning it up you can see much more clearly.