Self-analysing

I think I just figured it out, my problem with Spanish, I mean. I have two identities as a Spanish speaker: the one for when I am among other learners and the one for when I am among natives. I feel completely different when in these situations, and I think here's the reason why.

As a side effect of growing up as a really good girl, I've always been very diligent and worked extremely hard to succeed in everything. That's partly why, in especially languages, I've always been among the best students, which has given me tons of confidence. I acknowledge my superiority to some other learners and it gives me a boost to rely on my skills, knowing that I won't be judged by my mistakes as everyone else struggles with the same ones. This applies to all languages and basically everything I'm good at, and now I see that it is a very shallow foundation for self-confidence. And even now, in the university, I have no trouble at all to use either English or Spanish in a class with Finnish people because I know I am good enough, good compared to so many.  

But now, I've recently encountered situations where there are native speakers of Spanish present, as well as Finnish people who speak it completely fluently, at least judged by my sense of fluency. In these situations I have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually one of the worst ones, a realization I have never, ever before had to deal with when it comes to languages. And it messes with my head so much. I know it is ridiculous, as my skills don't get any worse, they are still pretty good, in fact. However, I can't help but compare myself to others, and it knocks my self-confidence down really hard. I become shy, I prefer staying silent and listening, settling to be a wallflower when in reality I am everything but. 

Why do I have to do this? It would be so much more educative, fun, relaxing and so many other things if I could just trust my skills, not just the position of my skills in the group. I guess I have unconsciously developed a fixation on being the best and I hate that about myself right now.

There are exceptions, though. However, the exceptions are all situations where I am clearly taking the role of a learner, not an equal language user. I need to emphasize the fact of my skills being flawed to accept it myself, and that's the only time I can more or less comfortably use the language as the "worst" party of the conversation or the group. I make it clear that I am not as good as the rest, to have my mistakes understood, to have my language level taken into account when making conclusions about me as a person. It is like I am apologizing for existing as I am, just because I am inferior in some areas. Why, why? I can completely see how pathetic this all sounds. Not only sounds but also how ridiculous it is.

How do I fix myself? I don't know if I could start a process of consciously redefining the concept of fluency or set my bar lower when it comes to defining what are good skills. I'd really like to find ways to build a more stable foundation of confidence with Spanish, one that is not dependent on others. I'm the only one who should matter in this issue.  

Damn, this whole thing frustrates me so much.