Under the same stars

I climbed to the terrace on the third floor, and felt the cool breeze, which was the most welcomed greeting. I looked around the darkening evening and saw houses of strangers, lights of traffic and the shadow of the sun. I looked up and I saw the stars, and I was calm. I think this is it, this will be all I needed and all I could never even ask for. 

Since I arrived here in Lima on Wednesday morning, it's been like an emotional roller coaster. I've seen a lot already, I've struggled in the heat but I am still grateful to be in the summer and I've met people who will most likely become a lot closer to me during these few months. I've felt excited, scared, grateful, insecure, happy, sad in so many shades, and I've only been here for five days. It's been quite the culture shock, I have to admit. At times I feel like I'm living the perfect life, at times I feel so distant to myself, like I don't recognize this person trying to adapt to this life here.

One week down, twenty more to go and I am confident that those following ones will show me things I've never seen, places I couldn't have even imagined to visit, people who will become important and experiences that teach me things about life and myself. 

I breathed the cool air, and decided I will survive this. I am here, this is real and happening now, and as much as I still sometimes can't believe it, I am. And I reminded myself that even though I am far from home, I am under the same stars.




www.maisanmatkablogi.blogspot.fi 

So that's my day

Today I did not get up from the bed. Correction, I tried, and went back. In fact, I did technically leave it a few times, once even to go to the grocery store 20 meters away from my building, but it does not count. I was feeling a bit sick, so I thought best to make sure I don't waste my energy. So, lying in bed all day, I had a lot of time to think. Did I learn something? Did this "break" have a hidden meaning?

Nope. Watching ten episodes of Pretty Little Liars does not count as deep thinking, nor figuring out any grand life lessons. Basically, it was a waste of a perfectly good day to dwell in an imaginary world.

So anyway, I'll try again tomorrow. I had so many plans for today, which would have cut my to-do list to half, at least. But when you can't you can't, besides, I'll be off across the world in two weeks so I'd better have the sickness now. Which I actually didn't even have, just a feeling. I've got lots of stuff coming up soon so I hope it is over now, I mean if it was a reaction from the vaccinations, shouldn't it be over soon?

But wow, yeah, I'm actually going to be in Peru in 13 days. How scary is that?

The countdown is about to start...

It's been a while. I've been busy with all sorts of things, doing nothing among others. No, seriously, there's a book exam I've been studying for which I can't really make sense of, hope that a revision night with a friend will shed some light on the issues. I'm also organizing a conversation workshop at my old junior high school, which has occupied my mind a bit recently. But luckily, on Wednesday it'll be over and on Friday the exam, and then I can start concentrating on getting my life here in order for the big move, and starting to say goodbye.

Which is sort of silly, 'cause I am coming back in five short months. Still, it has started to really hit me that it's not just a light two-week vacation, after which I go back to the old routines. I am actually moving again, my new address just happens to be situated far, far away. And after that, I hope I'll be mostly the same but also a bit different. It's been pretty emotional for me these past few weeks, but I know that it'll be totally worth it in the end.

I am the kind of person who can't do something like this very lightly. I care so much about everyone around me as well as my personal habits and ways of doing things, that this will be a big adjustment. I start pondering it all in my head and it gets totally out of hand, like "I am definitely going to get lost at the airport" and "I wonder if they even have any of the same groceries at the store there", but then I try to think about the fact that so many others have done the same thing before, and they've all done just fine. But of course, the new things can be scary, and they are, especially for someone slightly obsessed with controlling things like me.

Say something or nothing at all

The meaning of this blog to me comes in phases. Sometimes it's my public diary, so I can have the feeling that maybe someone is hearing what I am thinking, sometimes it's a status update. Sometimes I could write page after another on a theme that starts expanding in my head, other times I start with an opinion and after pondering it I come to the opposite conclusion and delete the whole thing, 'cause what was the point of it then?

My inspiration used to come from things I had never said before, but then my life started to fall into patterns, which didn't make meaningful messages anymore. Then the inspiration turned to emotions, which at least the past year or two seem to have derived from either excessive. Sometimes too dark, sometimes too exhilarated. Sometimes just simply too existential to bare to the world.

Now then, what do I write about? I've never minded opening up and pouring my heart out in a written form, granted that it's been in cryptic ways and mysterious tones. But now I feel like I have to hold it back, not let go of it for I might set something free that won't be given back to me repaired. If and when the inspiration emerges in melancholy, I stop and stare at the blank screen; this is not the only side of me, but I cannot create something beautifully meaningful about the regular, the ordinary and the stable. I feel the need to explain myself for the blue thoughts, but I can't and I won't, and I can't write it anymore. What if I did and it didn't solve anything?

Maybe I'm changing. I've relied in people so much that I've been losing the sense of responsibility to myself, and perhaps now I'm taking it back. Maybe a thought is sometimes best valued by hiding it in my own castle.

I admit, even I am guilty of trying to make the change of the year into something special, a magical push of the button rewind or fast forward with no questions asked; I take it back. If we just said what we needed to say, did what we needed to do and felt what we needed to feel at the right time, we wouldn't need the promise of a new beginning or a fresh start. We'd make our own magic by being honest and seeing how the power of it can make the change that we wish over and over again, not really ready to make any changes after all.

New beginning, once again

"...but these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one to tell them to..."

Basically, it's just a normal day. Nothing special, I don't even feel different. But it's the last one of the year, tomorrow it'll be another year and another beginning.

I'm not doing anything special this new year's, just hanging out at home. We'll go to sauna, eat, watch ice hockey and shoot some fireworks. Simple, and I like it. I don't have to really do anything, which suits me well. My brain is totally on a vacation mode, especially since on Sunday I gotta start cramming for a book exam on sociolinguistics, yay!

For the past few years this time of the year has been filled with excitement, and this year is no exception. Once again I'm thinking that the next year will be the best of my life, and it is, and then I top that with the following one. I just hope this pattern can keep going on like this, that there's no limit when it can't get any better. But with what's coming in two months, I have a feeling that the one to come might just be number one for quite a while.

2015 has been full of experiences, good and bad. Emotions, trips, friends, memories; I'll remember them for a long, long time. I am grateful for this year, as it hasn't been among the easiest; however, it's been a good thing. I've learned a lot, among other things that I still have a lot to learn. But above all, I do have people to tell my stories to, and that's really all I need to start a new year.

One more day...

...and I can go home!

This has been somehow a crazy fall, time seems to have disappeared in a blink. But now that I think about it, I've managed to do quite a lot; Spanish studies, board game day at my old primary school, two great concerts, Mom's surprise birthday cottage weekend, my own birthday party, organization work, meetings, events, a cruise, exams... So much everything in a few months, and so much everything in the past two days, that my brain is literally stuck. No wonder I'm having trouble producing this text, even though I've been wanting to write something for a while now.

Anyway, all the work of this semester will be rewarded tomorrow when I have the final task of this year. We'll go to a nearby school to organize a language workshop of Spanish, for which we today made some posters with animals, numbers etc and it was so nice to talk in Spanish for a few hours again, I kind of missed it even though the last time was about a week or two ago.  Funny how you can miss a language, although I assume I'll get used to that feeling in a bit over two months (!!!).

I cannot wait to start my vacation and do absolutely nothing but relax, have fun with my family and recharge my batteries. I am also looking forward to the spring, as I've got many things coming up before I go. As I left the subject organization board I took no time in getting myself the subcommittee chairperson post and very likely I'll join a committee of youth work at my parish, which is just like me. "I will not join anything for a long time now!" Yeah right. Anyway, it's gonna be super fun as there are nice events awaiting as well as the choir I promised to join. I have to say, it was almost accidentally and sort of as a bribe, but now I gotta live up to the promise. We'll see how that goes...

I cried a little inside when I set my alarm for tomorrow as it will cruelly start ringing at 6:15, which is the earliest I've probably woken up all year. But, after a few hours of speaking Spanish to kids I'll get to take a bus ride home. Countryside here I come!

The sweetest dreams

I'm totally a sucker for fairy tales. I cannot explain it, I don't know why I have such a strong reaction to them, but I do. It can be a book, a film, a song, a story someone told me or pretty much anything, I'm sold. The pattern is always the same, and I know exactly how it's gonna turn out in the end, but I cannot help but fall in love with the stories. 

The films I might watch again and again and the effect is never any duller. Every hardship is just as sad, every moment of anxiety is my moment of anxiety, and every ending is just as happy time after time. The weirdest thing is that these fairy tales make me feel happy, which I know is an illusion. However, I can't help myself, I buy it completely.

And even though I understand that it's not real, that the stories sound and seem perfect when in reality they would be painted with much darker colors as well, I believe it. I choose to believe that it is true and it's possible, 'cause how could something so beautiful not exist? How could such a sweet dream be just a lie?

Romantic dramas, romantic comedies, Disney films; they work each time. Maybe it's because I tend to feel other people's emotions so strongly that I live these tales so deeply, or maybe it's because of these tales that I feel the way I do all the time. But still, I'm mesmerized by the intensity of the words, the faces, the parts that are left unsaid. I'm inspired by emotions so strong that they change people, even if they were just acted.

I am a romantic, and in search of my moments I follow the ones of the others, hoping that someday it will be me under the moonlight, smiling like I've never smiled before.